Sleepless in Peterborough

Greetings!

As you can probably guess from the title, and the fact that I started this at 4:40am, I'm having a night where sleep is but a dream..

While I do have some opinion posts planned, I need to do a little bit of legwork on them before I write. So today, I want to continue my attempt of not being as negative on here with a post of things I'm grateful for. 

I'm grateful for my innate stubbornness.. It's a blessing and a curse to be honest. While it did get me through the near death illness and the recovery process to the point of getting out of the hospital, it also got me sick enough that hospitalization was needed. 

I know the talk about wanting to die for a while was probably an uncomfortable topic, but it was a stuggle I needed help with. Yes, I was and still am seeing mental health professionals, but sometimes you need friends too.. Someone who isn't paid to say things like "People would miss you" 

That talk was a way of asking for assistance through the trying times. 

There's also this poster that I have saved on my phone.. 

So really, those posts are me asking for a stick.. Dear readers, the messages of concern you've sent are those sticks. 

So all that sappy stuff tangent said... 
I'm grateful for you.. Yes, you.. Points to you directly You and points elsewhere you and everyone else. 

I'm grateful to be in a housing situation where I can get the help I need.

I'm grateful for my sense of humour. I repeatedly said while recovering in the hospital that if I lost my sense of humour, that was the time to truly worry.. That would be the point where I gave up.. 

I'm grateful for those who have helped with needs while I'm struggling in poverty. 

That's about all I can think of off the top of my head. 

Wherever you are, whatever may be going on, remember...

You matter

If I may be so crass.... You're the reason someone masturbates today...

And if you need a stick.... Just ask..

 

Favourite Songs

 Greetings!

I'm feeling oddly good today.. Though part of it is also feeling antsy. But anyway.

I've been in a deep hole for a while and I know it's been rather negative around here lately. I wanted to do something different today and bring up some of my favourite songs. 

Straw Hat and Old Dirty Hank by Barenaked Ladies

I don't know what it is about this song, but I've loved it since I first heard it on Born on a Pirate Ship. 

No Man's Land - Billy Joel

This is the opening song of the River of Dreams album. To me it speaks of the isolation in urbanization, if that makes any sense. The River of Dreams album is one of my favourites overall. 

Twilight in Hell - Lillian Axe

That opening riff.. 

Voyager II - Virginia Coalition

I found this group on MySpace (remember THAT place??) years ago.. I have a few favourites from them, though one doesn't seem to have any representation on YouTube.. 

I love the melodies and the energy their songs have. That and the stories.. 

Other songs I love of theirs are Spare Change, The River, Green and Grey...

Tell Me Why - Genesis

This is another one I've always just loved the message of. And really... The message in this seems to be timeless... 

Never is Enough - Barenaked Ladies

I remember the first time I heard this song. It was still when it was in a demo stage. I got into the song right away. 

Walking Through Walls - Escape Club

I don't know what it is.. I just loved this song from the first time I heard it. 

The Last Saskatchewan Pirate - Captain Tractor

Now.. There are two groups that originally did this song. The Arrogant Worms, and Captain Tractor. I like both versions, but this one is above the Worms.. This is just a fun song all around.

Shades of Grey - Billy Joel

Another song off the River of Dreams album. This song spoke to me when I was young. The album came out in my Grade 9 year. I think I've always known things aren't black and white.. Sometimes we just don't see, or have the mesans to articulate, the nuances... 

Intermittently - Barenaked Ladies

This was off Maybe You Should Drive. MYSD is one of my all time favourite albums. I don't skip songs on it when I listen to it. 

These Apples - Barenaked Ladies

Another song off Maybe You Should Drive. I love the guitar and for some reason, the little solo from 2:20-2:30 reminds me of the original Railroad Tycoon. 

There were a couple songs I had written down that I couldn't find on YouTube. I mentioned Spare Change by Virginia Coalition earlier. Another one is I Will Not Go Quietly by Don Henley. 

So dear reader, what are some of your favourites? 

Some Thoughts

 Greetings

I'm a little upset today. So pardon my rant.. 

Thursdays I get help with housekeeping in my apartment. I'm in an independent living place, but with assistance. I get help with showering three times a week, housekeeping once a week, and other things as needed. For example, I can't put my shoes on by myself, so I need help with them. It's one thing that keeps me from ever really traveling.. Well aside from the complete lack of money. 

Well, today was the first time in two weeks I had housekeeping. They were short staffed last week so it was canceled. I was able to do some things like get a bag of garbage out.. I also was able to somewhat keep up on dishes, but this week I was so on edge I'd stand and within a couple minutes I was shaking. So I had a pile this week. 

When they come do my housekeeping, they normally sweep/mop my floors, gather garbages, and clean my toilet. Today they did that plus my dishes. Wonderful! But at the same time, I had one of the PSWs complaining about how dirty the seat was. Actually having to move his arm and elbow is more than light housekeeping to him, apparently. Complained about empty boxes being on the floor. Again said "Light housekeeping, this is just laziness, man...." 

That set me off... Now.. When I get pissed off, I get really quiet.. I internalize it. My main reason for writing this tonight is to be able to get it out of my head enough to actually be able to sleep tonight. 

This PSW that complained today is the only one that complains. I like the guy otherwise, but I think I might need to ask if I can not have him come up here.. 

As is I've been dealing with loneliness, depression and a general lack of worth. After this interaction, I had a feeling of a noose around my neck for 5 hours. I still feel like I have hands around my neck.. 

I don't know what to do. 

An Odd Feeling

 Greetings

This weekend has been rather odd.. I've been on edgem restless, and generally off all weekend. Right now I feel like every nerve is on alert. I've tried spending time outside since it's been nice. I've watched videos to try to calm myself down. Nothing's working. I can't focus. I can't get back from this edge. 

It's rather annoying since I'd like to be able to relax some. I'd like to be able to not have everything feel like I'm ready to crawl out of my skin. 

All at once, I want to run around, scream, cry, pull my hair out, and things I haven't been able to even pin down in my head. My shoulder's been sore lately. My wrist has been sore. I feel like I have a noose around my neck. 

I've been dealing with wanting to be around people while simultaneously not wanting to be around people. There are things I want to do that involve other people, but those things involve consent and interest by the other person. 

It's a very tough place to be in. I imagine I'm not the only one dealing with these sensations and feelings. I just wonder, dear reader, how do you get past it? I've been like this for a few days now and it's driving me insane. 

A March Update

 I don't want to use the same greeting I use on my card blog, so....

I'll use the made up word I've used to greet my best friend Luke.. 

Merflargen!

It's the end of the month. It's been somewhat eventful, but at the same time, not too exciting.I'm switching internet providers. It kicks in April 9. I still have to call to cancel the current net. I figure I'll call Tuesday (since tomorrow is a holiday) and just see the process. If I can "Pre-cancel" I'll set it up for that date. I mean, I figured saving $30 a month is a good thing.. 

The internet company I'm with now is good.. They're just more expensive than I can afford.. And if I want to add Disney+, Prime Video, and Netflix, I can with the company I'm going with for $15/month. So overall it's still $59 compared to $76. 

I've been given another antidepressant to add to the one I'm already on. The new one is also supposed to help me sleep. Many nights I don't end up falling asleep until 4 or 5am...

Because my birthday is tomorrow, I had some people in a card group I'm in on Discord do some really neat things for me. One sent me a few grocery items.. One sent me some baseball cards. And one sent a pack of card pages and a Philips OneBlade since the one I had before I was hospitalized in 2021 vanished. 

I have been fighting some loneliness. Talking to people online (Discord's great, Twitter is a cesspool. Facebook is kept because family and former coworkers) is much different from seeing people face to face. Really, though there are some things I really miss.. Conversation.. Hugs.. It's been so long since I've been kissed I forget how to do it.. 

I am getting better at drowning the negative thoughts again. I don't automatically say to myself "I want to go to bed and never wake up" as much as I have the last couple months. At the same time, I just don't know how much I can take. I am stubborn.. I think it's teamed with my will to live since I was hospitalized in 2021.. Because really.. If I was going to go, that was the time. 

Anyway. I hope you wonderful people had a Good Easter. I hope April is well for you. And if you're a baseball fan, hopefully your team doesn't shit the bed too much this year. 

Till Next Time..

46

 This coming April 1, I will be turning 46 years old.

I have been battling deeper depression and suicidal thoughts since I turned 40. 

I know at this point things generally start to change anyway. 

There were times I wanted to no longer be on the planet as early as my teenage years. Those times were usually born out of emotion and frustration.I was upset with my parents for calling me useless.. My mom fired me from a job because I got annoyed with a french fry that wouldn't stop going into the drain.. (long story) 

As I entered my 20s, my depression and anxiety laid rather dormant. It only kicked up when I worked in a call centre. That is where I found out I can't deal with phones all day. I also found out that if I'm going to be in a position where I'm going to be abused by customers, I'd rather it be done to my face than over the phone. 

My mom passed in 2006.. I got married.. Divorced... That sums up my 30s.. 

I would say there was a fair bit of verbal abuse from my ex wife. It was really in that marriage where I started feeling like I wasn't good enough for anyone. 

I'd have people criticize me for my weight. For my hygiene.. For whatever they could. I think it was there where I really felt like I wasn't worthy of love. Where I wasn't good enough for anyone. How the only thing anyone ever saw was my body rather than the person inside. Where the resentment of people close to me really started. 

It's also where my habit of pre-rejection started. Where I started saying "I reject myself so you don't have to" 

I've only ever had one relationship. That was with my ex wife. I've been rejected, ridiculed, and joked about since high school. I'm working on my self-esteem and self-worth. Not being able to work like I used to has destroyed whatever self-worth I did have. 

When I hit 40, that's when the suicidal thoughts and visions really started hitting again. The first one that really scared me was  while I was driving my school bus route.. With kids.. I told my dispatcher and got myself off the road. Got into councilling.. Since I've been also having phantom sensations.. I'll feel a noose around my neck, or like someone's choking me. When I was hospitalized for the Septic Shock due to cellulitis, part of me wanted to die. The fact that I recovered and am still recovering shows I have some stubborn will to live. 

I've been on disability supports. They are woefully inadequate. Halfway through the month I'm out of money. I take care of my monthly bills but am left short for groceries. So each month I either have to beg for help or starve. Since I am at risk for diabetes, a starve/feed cycle really wouldn't be the best for me. I also don't get a chance to take part in hobbies. I'm a baseball card collector. I like to trade with other people, but I can't afford postage most months. 

So here we are today. 10 days before my birthday. I still feel like most days I'm better off dead and nobody would notice. I wouldn't be a burden on friends, family and society. I wouldn't have people making me feel like shit for needing help. 

But... That stubborn will to live pops up. Despite the hopelessness. Despite the depression. Despite everything... I'm still here. And unless something stikes me down.... I'll be here for another year.

A Fucked Up Dream....

 Greetings. 

I had a dream last night that won't leave my head, so I need to write it down and get it out there. 

I was walking to work. Funnily enough, where I was walking was the last street I lived on back home, and the place I worked was a weird configuration of the Mac's I worked at here in Peterborough. On my way to work, I get shot. No blood or anything, I have chunks taken out of me, like I was made of rubber.. Kind of like the old LJN WWF wrestlers from the 80s. 

I get to the store, go through trying to work my shift, but it's not working. Finally I mention what happened.. Suddenly I'm outside the store, the store is completely walled in and random things are happening. 

1. A delivery is being prepped for the store

2. Someone calls an ambulance for me.

3. I remember just looking at the chunks taken out of me and just staring.

4. A transport sized tour bus of rescued dogs FLIES by in one direction, then slowly goes by in the other.. 

5. The Ambulance arrives at some point, but right then a hail storm bad enough to cause a white out happens..

At this point, the store has been reopened.. The storm is still happening and I'm outside on the ground. Just as suddenly as the storm started, it stops. By this time, I'm looking at a third-person viewpoint of myself on the ground, struggling to move while everything around me is still and silent. 

I don't know how it ends. I don't know if it ends. I did find it odd that this dream came to me while I'm still dealing with where I fit in. IF I fit in. If I'm better off not being here. I don't like being a burden. I hate the fact I need to ask for help just to do simple things like be able to feed myself over the course of the month (I do cook for myself, but I don't always have the food to cook.. Most of my asking is hoping some kind stranger will give me $150 to get some groceries for the last half of the month.. Usually I hope for multiple kind strangers, but will gladly take any help I get) 

Maybe this dream was my subconscious mind fighting back against these feelings, despite the fact that's where these feelings usually start. Maybe it was a sign that maybe I do matter, that I may not be whole right now and the struggle at the end was not knowing what direction to take to become whole again.

Maybe I'm just reading way too much into this and it was just a fucked up dream from a fucked up mind.. Who knows? 

February

 It's now February. A month where it's usually the gloomiest and longest feeling month of the year, while being the shortest in actual days. 

So far, though, this month has been an improvement over the last two. I was in such a deep depression in December and January that it was a struggle to do anything. There were days I didn't eat because it was tooo much energy to cook. There were a number of days where I didn't want to wake up. Just go to sleep and never wake up again. 

It was during this time however, that I also realized I have unconsciously created a failsafe if I get to the point of wanting to take action on the thoughts sometime.. 

As you may or may not know, I live in an assisted living building that is based around independent living, but supports when needed. Some people need help with showering and housekeeping (me) others need help with everything, it all depends on the person and the level of support they need.. 

Well, one of the things they do is.. If the client needs to go to the hospital via ambulance, they will wait with the client until the paramedics arrive. 

In my head, I've created a plan for if I create a plan for self harm. When I feel those thoughts getting overwhelming, I would call the staff to get someone to sit with me until paramedics or a crisis line can be reached. This way I have someone here to help me through the time, and to ensure I don't follow through with the action. 

Being an analytical person, I guess it shouldn't be too surprising to have the plan to stop any plans.. 

I realize this blog and the topics can be a little dark or heavy. I do appreciate those who read it and those who leave messages. It does make me feel less like I'm screaming into the void. It does help me process the thoughts rather than having them bounce around in my head. Also, I'm hoping that by throwing this out into the ether, that it may one time reach someone who needs it. Even if it's to validate their feelings and let them know they're not alone in them.. 

I know.. Lofty goals and all that.. I've had the thought of being a speaker or something since I recovered from the septic shock but my own insecurities stop me from really putting myself out there to speak on those experiences because at the same time I have the little voice saying in my head "Would anyone care? What makes your story so important?"

Thoughts

 Lately my thoughts have been getting the better of me. I listened to the Oldies station in town and Lovers in a Dangerous Time by Barenaked Ladies came on. I'm not ready for that to be called an Oldie! Coupled with watching gamephay footage of an old PS1 game, WCW vs the World.. I would honestly get a PS1 just for that game again..  Then it got me thinking.. Thinking about the things I miss.. 

I miss the house we lived in until my mom passed away.. I hate the fact that the person who bought the house after us gutted the thing completely. I miss some of the TV shows that were on at the time. 

Air Farce, WCW.. Night Stand with Dick Dietrich. Duckman. I miss some of the chocolate that we had back then. Some of the drinks that were available.. 

I miss all this stuff and I know it's in the past and never coming back. I don't know if this is how a midlife crisis feels, but I can't shake it. Just a constant feeling of frustration. That, coupled with how the world is now I get increasingly frustrated.. I never felt like I belonged. I feel that moreso now. 

Those who have follwed on here for a while, or even had more than a small interaction with me knows about my issues with mobility, illness, and depression. I'm seriously fighting the "What's the point" thought lately. 

I don't give myself a chance with people. I feel they've rejected me before interacting with me. So I reject myself. I mean, I miss interacting with people. I miss things like hugs or kisses.. I have been working on it for a while but it's tough to shake. When you treat yourself like dirt for years, it's hard to stop that thinking. 

There are even times I wonder why I bother writing my blogs. I wonder if actual people read them or if it's random bots. 

There are days I'd love to turn my head off.. Just have nothing running through my head, just running on autopilot. 

Don't worry, dear reader.. I do not plan on harming myself. My thoughts are simply in the realm of disappearing.. But I'm too stubborn to do that..

Yesterday vs Today

 This is a topic that's been percolating in my head for a while. It's gotten to the point where I can't sleep at night, so I figure I should get it out...

As my friends know, I'm on disability. Disability rates are horrible, and have been for 30 years now. There is a lot of negativity towards people with disabilities online, especially when it comes to asking/trying to get help surviving the month. 

It's exhausting for everyone involved to constantly need to beg for money to just get by. None of the people asking for money on Twitter under the #MutualAid hashtag are rolling in the dough. We're trying to feed ourselves. Keep a roof over our head. Try to keep a phone connected so we can make/keep appointments that are needed for our health. 

We're not asking for money to go out drinking.. We're not using the money for drugs. (Unless it's a prescription not covered by the Drug Benefit program) Definitely not getting high end tvs and video game systems.. 

We get pushback. We get troll comments. We get "Prove your need before I give you money" then "Show me the receipts for what you spent it on" We get called lazy. We get told to get a job. (Trust me, dear reader, if I could go back to driving a school bus, I'd be there in a heartbeat) 

They call us Communist/Socialist/Freeloaders, amongst other things. 

These people fail to understand that things aren't like they were in our Grandparents' day, or even our parents' day when all you needed to do was pull yourself up by your bootstraps, show a can do attitude and you'll find a job lickety-split. 

Back in their day, you could find a job walking down the street.. You could buy a house and live comfortably on one income. 

Now? Well, now everything is online. Applications etc are all done by computers and scored before you get a call... IF you get a call.. You go in with a resume they look at you funny and tell you to apply online. I had this argument with my ex wife in the 2010s when I was unemployed. Because I wasn't going out and getting in peoples' faces, I wasn't trying hard enough... Or I just wasn't trying. 

The old thinking is still pervasive in our thinking, but the old ways are obsolete. If you don't follow the instructions on how to apply, they throw your resume out without looking. (Also, people who think we're lazy.. Think about this for a second... In the old days, people helped each other out in times of need.. It's funny how this thinking flew away what seems to be 40 years ago, but the old "Pull yourself up and you can do it!" is still around)

Right now, Canada is in a perfect storm of crisis due to inaction. Slow building on housing, particularly affordable housing (thanks, NIMBYS... How do you like the tent cities instead?) and increased immigration means more and more people are being priced out of the market, both ownership and rental. Lack of funding in healthcare means we have long wait times, people who need rooms/beds hanging out in hallways, and just a general inability to get the system to the point it needs to be in order to be effective.

Disability rates were frozen in the 1990s. They have not increased to be anywhere close to even breaking even with poverty. We're 50% below the poverty line. We're forgotten by the Governments, and really, they would rather have us use MAiD to get rid of us than to fund healthcare and the programs needed to give us some dignity. 

People online punch down at us all the time. I think it's easy for them to do it because in the end, nobody cares about us. It makes them feel better about their own tenuous hold on the life they want, hoping to ignore the fact that an injury or missed paycheck puts them in the same position we're in. 

I made the joke before. I can't remember if it was here or just on the X-Twit... I have an Amazon wishlist. I updated it to cover things I need and things I want. I refuse to share it though because there are some things people would consider frivolous. And we all know people with disabilities aren't allowed to have hobbies or fun! 

What are the solutions? That's the million dollar question.. I mean the obvious are put funds into healthcare and housing. Get housing built. Tell NIMBYs to Sit and Rotate.. Increase the rates for Disability.. (People HATE this idea for some reason. Something about their money paying for lazy people blah blah blah... They already pay for the lazy clowns in Ottawa, Toronto, and other Provincial Capitals.. Why aren't they bitching about them??) Based on the amount the taxpayer actually pays towards a PWD is 0.00003 cents.... Their opinion is valued as such...

The other thing that ruffles feathers is Universal Basic Income.. Lot of people are thinking it'll cause people to quit work and sit at home rather than work.. Then there's the bleats of Communism/Socialism/Marxism... There was a  pilot project done in a couple cities in Ontario before Doug the Slug got in.. More people were able to work, including some PWDs. Crime went down in some areas.. But no, because isms and 15 minute cities, great reset, WEF blah blah blah....

So again... What do we do? We can't go this route stupidly thinking it's going to course correct. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if things turn toward more automation, more use of AI, and less human employment.. Then what?

I don't know...