A Bit of a Rant

 The last few days I've been having trouble falling asleep because my head won't stop going a mile a minute. 

There's been talk about Universal Basic Income coming to Canada. There have been small scale trials previously. The latest one being a few years ago in a couple areas in Ontario. Lindsay, Ontario and Thunder Bay, Ontario being two of the places doing a trial run. 

Well, cue the loud dissenters.. 

"Oh this is the last step to communism! If this goes in, I'm leaving Canada! I don't want to pay for lazy bums to sit at home and collect MY hard earned money"

"It'll only cause people to sit at home.. People will quit their jobs and collect and do nothing."

And the always popular

"If you're poor, here's an idea: Get. A. Job."

etc etc etc

I'm on the fence about it, honestly. I'd need to see how they would implement it. How they would work and clawbacks for income levels, and other logistical things. One of the big things would be that in order for it to work properly, it would need to replace Welfare, Disability, and Employment Insurance. I'm sure there's others in there as well. 

If they do it as a trial run, they would need to have a mechanism in place to restore the services prior to the implementation of UBI. 

But really there are two things that burn my ass about this.. 

1. People with disabilities who would love to be able to work that are unable to due to physical issues or chronic illness are being lumped into these "Lazy bums"

2. The people who are loudly voicing their opposition don't realize that in the trial runs they had, people ended up working more. (What a concept... A person on Welfare or Disability can afford *good* food for once is in a better place health wise to actually work) and in some areas, crime went down. 

Oh.. I should also mention that services for the poor, including healthcare visits, etc, total between 70-80 Billion dollars.. A year... 

Now, I take the possible implementation with a grain of salt and a healthy dose of cynicism.. I'll believe it when I see it, and hope it doesn't come out quarter baked like the Canada Disability Benefit that the government's promised for years now and still have no fucking clue what to do.. 

Now.. Those who know me know I used to be a school bus driver before I lost the full usage of my right foot due to septic shock. Those who know me know I'm lucky to be alive. They also know that I would LOVE to go back to driving a school bus because I loved the work.. Hell, even when I hated the work environment, I did the best I could, and in some cases, became the best damned employee they had.. 

There are limitations to my mobility as a result of the trauma from septic shock. Stairs are a bitch for me.. I can't run, walk fast, kneel, or sit on the floor.. Call centres spike my anxiety. SO tell me, dear reader, what kind of job can I get with those restrictions in place, also remembering that I have a chronic illness that can knock me out anywhere from a week to a couple months... Now.. Would you hire me?? 

I don't think so.. 

However, according to these clowns, I'm a lazy ass who doesn't  want to work and, from what I can tell, would rather see me and others like me die than see us be able to live with some dignity. 

I can see some people calling me a Liberal or, as they so love to say, Libtard... For my view on this.. Fact is.. None of the major parties in Canada really align with my views. I don't even really know how to define my views.. I just know that the Conservative Saviour Pierre Poilievre isn't the saviour they think he is.. The whole lot of them need to be thrown away and replaced. 

But that's a rant for another time. 

I even joked around Christmas on Twitter that I had done up a wishlist on Amazon, but I didn't publish it because there's things on there that can be considered frivolous... And we all know people with disabilities aren't allowed to have hobbies or fun... lol

It's That Time of Year Again..

 It's December, meaning we're getting close to both Christmas and the end of another year. 

This year has been a rough one for me, as it has been for many. I spent time in and out of the hospital. A rather ugly knee wound. Being increasingly out of touch with friends and family. All adding up to a month where I'm honestly feeling very down. 

Of course the biggest and constant issue is money. I do get my "January" ODSP cheque on the 20th of December. That however, has to last until the end of January. Aside from that, I need groceries. I'd like to get myself something small for Christmas as a "You survived the year!" gift, but I can't afford it. That gift, by the way, would be the Mario RPG remake. 

The last two weeks I've gotten to this time of evening, around suppertime, and just felt like going to bed. Tonight I feel like breaking down crying then maybe going to bed.. I can't though because I need a shower. Today is a shower day for me. 

One thing I came to grips with yesterday with my CMHA worker was that things aren't what they used to be. Even when I felt like I was out of place at my ex in-laws' house, it was still family. It was still spending time with others. 

I haven't put up a tree or any decorations because it makes me think of time past. I also know that whatever I put up won't match the image I have in my head. That image being a darkened living room illuminated by the glow of the tree lights, giving it a warmth you don't get any other time of year..

I don't know what to do. I can't go on sleeping 12-16  hours a day. 

Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season. I appreciate each and every one of you that has come and read my ramblings and rantings both here and on my Card Blog. 

A Health Update

 Hello Friends. 

It's been a while since I've done this. I've been having some mental health and physical health issues lately. 

The mental health issues really tie into the physical, so I'll go over that first.. 

I went to the Cardiology clinic on Tuesday to get a yearly checkup done. I have A-Fib, so they like to monitor it. Well, part of it was to see what I weighed so they could use the right table for me. I'm heavier now than what I was before I was hospitalized. When I was admitted, I was 530lbs. Now I'm 570.. I didn't think I was that heavy. 

I've also been dealing with edema, or fluid buildup/swelling in a couple areas. One is my right side on the stomach. The other is my groin. The groin one affects my daily life. Unfortunately, it's considered a cosmetic procedure by our health care system, meaning it would be an elective, and therefore PAID procedure. I would need to pay in order for it to be done. Despite the fact it affects my ability to walk normally, to sit normally, to go to the bathroom normally, and is a breeding ground for infections. 

Obviously, that affects the mental health. I've been feeling discouraged and generally depressed for a while now. The depression and frustration I've been dealing with as a result has me alternating between not wanting to be here anymore and not wanting to be around people and to go through a period of not eating. In fact as I write this, I haven't eaten anything since yesterday when I had some bread with peanut butter and jam. 

I am hungry. I do feel a little light-headed. As a result, I'm worried about trying to make myself something to eat.  I don't want to get dizzy and fall. 

Anyway.. I'm still here. 

The Relentless March of Time

 I think I know why I've been having so many issues sleeping at night lately. My brain, when it's not giving me dreams that tell me I'm less than dirt, is reminding me of things that are gone. 

I know it has something to do with my age. I'm 45. Right in that "Middle Age" area.. No mid-life crisis where I needed to run off and get a convertible or a woman half my age. The former I couldn't afford and the latter... Well. What on Earth would anyone of any age want to do with me?? But I digress..

I've been woken up a few times by my thoughts and then kept awake by these thoughts. Memories. Things that used to be that no longer exist. People and places that are gone.. 

The thoughts this morning started innocently enough. One of the Radio stations in town posted on Facebook asking about restaurants that no longer exist that people miss.. 

One person mentioned Twilight Diner here in Peterborough. I went there in university with a friend of mine. This was almost 25 years ago now. 

That immediately got me thinking about a restaurant my mom loved in Thunder Bay called the Blue Parrot. On the exterior near the front door was a parrot relief in the wall made out of, I believe, amethyst. Well, over time it went from bluish to grey.. So I'd call it the Grey Parrot. My mom hated me calling it that. I was just making the observation of the parrot on the wall. 

My mom loved the Caesar salad there. I don't recall what I'd get there. I never really felt comfortable there for some reason. 

Thinking about the Blue Parrot got me thinking about the place my parents and I would stop at in Nipigon, halfway between Terrace Bay and Thunder Bay. It was called the Voyageur restaurant. I did some digging this morning and it was a chain owned by Imperial Oil. I guess each major company had their own. Esso was the Voy, Shell had a chain called 1867, and Texaco had Chicken Villas.. I never heard of the other two. 

Anyway. There were two Voyageur restaurants between Terrace Bay and Thunder Bay when I grew up in the 80s. Schreiber and Nipigon. The one in Schreiber was one my parents and I went to a lot. I'd get magazines in the convenience store attached to the place. Sometimes play the couple arcade games they had. 

The one in Nipigon we would stop at to stretch and let my mom smoke and the parents would have coffee. Sometimes eat depending on the time of day. I remember the kids meals at the Voyageur. They would come in a cardboard canoe called a longboat. 

Well.. The Blue Parrot closed in 2011.. The Voyageur in Nipigon is demolished and now a Tim Horton's is on site. The Voyageur in Schreiber closed and, I believe, is being reopened by a private entity. 

I think if time travel was possible, the only reason I'd want to go back is to experience things that are no longer available or there. Go back to the Voy in the 80s. Go have a Caesar Salad at the Blue Parrot.. Go see the Whiskey Jacks again.. Hell, see the Jays in Exhibition Stadium. See a game of the International League Maple Leafs.. 

I don't know. Is this something that happens to other people, or just me??

The Vicious Cycle

 As you know if you've been following this for the last year or so, I'm on ODSP or Disability. Currently, my mobility is compromised and my ability to do certain things is lessened. 

For example, I cannot ascend or descend stairs well. I cannot kneel. I cannot walk fast or run. Because of my ankle not having the power or range of motion it used to, I no longer can drive a school bus. 

I would love to be able to work. I don't know what I can do for work though. I cannot work in a call centre again. I had anxiety and panic attack issues prior. I cannot afford to go back to school. I have a defaulted OSAP loan that's held by the Government and every year at tax time any refund I would get goes to that. Because I'm on ODSP, I cannot get help with going back to school. If I get OSAP on ODSP, ODSP claws back.. 

Each month is a struggle from about halfway through. Currently, I have $25 in my account that needs to last until the end of the month, aside from the fact that it'll be going to my bank fees on the 17th.. After that I will have no money for groceries until the 31st. I have enough for about a week or so then I'm screwed.

This is a monthly reality for many on ODSP.. For many, it's even worse. A case of rent or food.. I'm lucky in that I have a subsidized apartment (even if it is in a bit of a craphole building) that has accessibility. I am able to pay my phone and internet bills and have enough for groceries for a couple weeks. After that I have to either starve or rely on help from my Mental Health Caseworker. And that's not always guaranteed. 

I'm sure some are asking about food banks or other food programs. That would be great, aside from the fact that the food banks aren't accessible for mobility challenged people.. One is up a flight of stairs. Another you have to navigate three flights to use. I did the free meal thing a couple times previously, and honestly, I feel more comfortable just starving.. 

I've asked for help with groceries before and I hate asking because I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to feel like I'm taking advantage of kindness. I know the friend who helped me the most wouldn't do it if they weren't able or willing, but that feeling never goes away. 

My birthday is coming up on the 1st. I want to be able to get something small for myself for my birthday. I won't be able to afford it though. My dad plans on sending me money for my birthday. That will likely be right into groceries. 

This whole situation is making me feel horrible. It depresses me. It makes me feel like I'm nothing. Less than nothing. No help is coming from the Governments.. Hell, the federal Government is giving themselves higher raises than my annual income on ODSP.. MPs are being raised by $15K.. I received $11K all last year for living. You can't live on that..

I defy these people who think it's a good life on ODSP or OW to actually *listen and try* to live on our restrictions. 

I'll be 45 in a couple weeks. I almost died two years ago.. Living like this sometimes makes me wish I had..