The Vicious Cycle

 As you know if you've been following this for the last year or so, I'm on ODSP or Disability. Currently, my mobility is compromised and my ability to do certain things is lessened. 

For example, I cannot ascend or descend stairs well. I cannot kneel. I cannot walk fast or run. Because of my ankle not having the power or range of motion it used to, I no longer can drive a school bus. 

I would love to be able to work. I don't know what I can do for work though. I cannot work in a call centre again. I had anxiety and panic attack issues prior. I cannot afford to go back to school. I have a defaulted OSAP loan that's held by the Government and every year at tax time any refund I would get goes to that. Because I'm on ODSP, I cannot get help with going back to school. If I get OSAP on ODSP, ODSP claws back.. 

Each month is a struggle from about halfway through. Currently, I have $25 in my account that needs to last until the end of the month, aside from the fact that it'll be going to my bank fees on the 17th.. After that I will have no money for groceries until the 31st. I have enough for about a week or so then I'm screwed.

This is a monthly reality for many on ODSP.. For many, it's even worse. A case of rent or food.. I'm lucky in that I have a subsidized apartment (even if it is in a bit of a craphole building) that has accessibility. I am able to pay my phone and internet bills and have enough for groceries for a couple weeks. After that I have to either starve or rely on help from my Mental Health Caseworker. And that's not always guaranteed. 

I'm sure some are asking about food banks or other food programs. That would be great, aside from the fact that the food banks aren't accessible for mobility challenged people.. One is up a flight of stairs. Another you have to navigate three flights to use. I did the free meal thing a couple times previously, and honestly, I feel more comfortable just starving.. 

I've asked for help with groceries before and I hate asking because I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to feel like I'm taking advantage of kindness. I know the friend who helped me the most wouldn't do it if they weren't able or willing, but that feeling never goes away. 

My birthday is coming up on the 1st. I want to be able to get something small for myself for my birthday. I won't be able to afford it though. My dad plans on sending me money for my birthday. That will likely be right into groceries. 

This whole situation is making me feel horrible. It depresses me. It makes me feel like I'm nothing. Less than nothing. No help is coming from the Governments.. Hell, the federal Government is giving themselves higher raises than my annual income on ODSP.. MPs are being raised by $15K.. I received $11K all last year for living. You can't live on that..

I defy these people who think it's a good life on ODSP or OW to actually *listen and try* to live on our restrictions. 

I'll be 45 in a couple weeks. I almost died two years ago.. Living like this sometimes makes me wish I had..