Friday, March 22, 2024

46

 This coming April 1, I will be turning 46 years old.

I have been battling deeper depression and suicidal thoughts since I turned 40. 

I know at this point things generally start to change anyway. 

There were times I wanted to no longer be on the planet as early as my teenage years. Those times were usually born out of emotion and frustration.I was upset with my parents for calling me useless.. My mom fired me from a job because I got annoyed with a french fry that wouldn't stop going into the drain.. (long story) 

As I entered my 20s, my depression and anxiety laid rather dormant. It only kicked up when I worked in a call centre. That is where I found out I can't deal with phones all day. I also found out that if I'm going to be in a position where I'm going to be abused by customers, I'd rather it be done to my face than over the phone. 

My mom passed in 2006.. I got married.. Divorced... That sums up my 30s.. 

I would say there was a fair bit of verbal abuse from my ex wife. It was really in that marriage where I started feeling like I wasn't good enough for anyone. 

I'd have people criticize me for my weight. For my hygiene.. For whatever they could. I think it was there where I really felt like I wasn't worthy of love. Where I wasn't good enough for anyone. How the only thing anyone ever saw was my body rather than the person inside. Where the resentment of people close to me really started. 

It's also where my habit of pre-rejection started. Where I started saying "I reject myself so you don't have to" 

I've only ever had one relationship. That was with my ex wife. I've been rejected, ridiculed, and joked about since high school. I'm working on my self-esteem and self-worth. Not being able to work like I used to has destroyed whatever self-worth I did have. 

When I hit 40, that's when the suicidal thoughts and visions really started hitting again. The first one that really scared me was  while I was driving my school bus route.. With kids.. I told my dispatcher and got myself off the road. Got into councilling.. Since I've been also having phantom sensations.. I'll feel a noose around my neck, or like someone's choking me. When I was hospitalized for the Septic Shock due to cellulitis, part of me wanted to die. The fact that I recovered and am still recovering shows I have some stubborn will to live. 

I've been on disability supports. They are woefully inadequate. Halfway through the month I'm out of money. I take care of my monthly bills but am left short for groceries. So each month I either have to beg for help or starve. Since I am at risk for diabetes, a starve/feed cycle really wouldn't be the best for me. I also don't get a chance to take part in hobbies. I'm a baseball card collector. I like to trade with other people, but I can't afford postage most months. 

So here we are today. 10 days before my birthday. I still feel like most days I'm better off dead and nobody would notice. I wouldn't be a burden on friends, family and society. I wouldn't have people making me feel like shit for needing help. 

But... That stubborn will to live pops up. Despite the hopelessness. Despite the depression. Despite everything... I'm still here. And unless something stikes me down.... I'll be here for another year.

Wednesday, March 13, 2024

A Fucked Up Dream....

 Greetings. 

I had a dream last night that won't leave my head, so I need to write it down and get it out there. 

I was walking to work. Funnily enough, where I was walking was the last street I lived on back home, and the place I worked was a weird configuration of the Mac's I worked at here in Peterborough. On my way to work, I get shot. No blood or anything, I have chunks taken out of me, like I was made of rubber.. Kind of like the old LJN WWF wrestlers from the 80s. 

I get to the store, go through trying to work my shift, but it's not working. Finally I mention what happened.. Suddenly I'm outside the store, the store is completely walled in and random things are happening. 

1. A delivery is being prepped for the store

2. Someone calls an ambulance for me.

3. I remember just looking at the chunks taken out of me and just staring.

4. A transport sized tour bus of rescued dogs FLIES by in one direction, then slowly goes by in the other.. 

5. The Ambulance arrives at some point, but right then a hail storm bad enough to cause a white out happens..

At this point, the store has been reopened.. The storm is still happening and I'm outside on the ground. Just as suddenly as the storm started, it stops. By this time, I'm looking at a third-person viewpoint of myself on the ground, struggling to move while everything around me is still and silent. 


I don't know how it ends. I don't know if it ends. I did find it odd that this dream came to me while I'm still dealing with where I fit in. IF I fit in. If I'm better off not being here. I don't like being a burden. I hate the fact I need to ask for help just to do simple things like be able to feed myself over the course of the month (I do cook for myself, but I don't always have the food to cook.. Most of my asking is hoping some kind stranger will give me $150 to get some groceries for the last half of the month.. Usually I hope for multiple kind strangers, but will gladly take any help I get) 

Maybe this dream was my subconscious mind fighting back against these feelings, despite the fact that's where these feelings usually start. Maybe it was a sign that maybe I do matter, that I may not be whole right now and the struggle at the end was not knowing what direction to take to become whole again.

Maybe I'm just reading way too much into this and it was just a fucked up dream from a fucked up mind.. Who knows? 


Wednesday, February 7, 2024

February

 It's now February. A month where it's usually the gloomiest and longest feeling month of the year, while being the shortest in actual days. 

So far, though, this month has been an improvement over the last two. I was in such a deep depression in December and January that it was a struggle to do anything. There were days I didn't eat because it was tooo much energy to cook. There were a number of days where I didn't want to wake up. Just go to sleep and never wake up again. 

It was during this time however, that I also realized I have unconsciously created a failsafe if I get to the point of wanting to take action on the thoughts sometime.. 

As you may or may not know, I live in an assisted living building that is based around independent living, but supports when needed. Some people need help with showering and housekeeping (me) others need help with everything, it all depends on the person and the level of support they need.. 

Well, one of the things they do is.. If the client needs to go to the hospital via ambulance, they will wait with the client until the paramedics arrive. 

In my head, I've created a plan for if I create a plan for self harm. When I feel those thoughts getting overwhelming, I would call the staff to get someone to sit with me until paramedics or a crisis line can be reached. This way I have someone here to help me through the time, and to ensure I don't follow through with the action. 

Being an analytical person, I guess it shouldn't be too surprising to have the plan to stop any plans.. 


I realize this blog and the topics can be a little dark or heavy. I do appreciate those who read it and those who leave messages. It does make me feel less like I'm screaming into the void. It does help me process the thoughts rather than having them bounce around in my head. Also, I'm hoping that by throwing this out into the ether, that it may one time reach someone who needs it. Even if it's to validate their feelings and let them know they're not alone in them.. 


I know.. Lofty goals and all that.. I've had the thought of being a speaker or something since I recovered from the septic shock but my own insecurities stop me from really putting myself out there to speak on those experiences because at the same time I have the little voice saying in my head "Would anyone care? What makes your story so important?"

Wednesday, January 17, 2024

Thoughts

 Lately my thoughts have been getting the better of me. I listened to the Oldies station in town and Lovers in a Dangerous Time by Barenaked Ladies came on. I'm not ready for that to be called an Oldie! Coupled with watching gamephay footage of an old PS1 game, WCW vs the World.. I would honestly get a PS1 just for that game again..  Then it got me thinking.. Thinking about the things I miss.. 

I miss the house we lived in until my mom passed away.. I hate the fact that the person who bought the house after us gutted the thing completely. I miss some of the TV shows that were on at the time. 

Air Farce, WCW.. Night Stand with Dick Dietrich. Duckman. I miss some of the chocolate that we had back then. Some of the drinks that were available.. 

I miss all this stuff and I know it's in the past and never coming back. I don't know if this is how a midlife crisis feels, but I can't shake it. Just a constant feeling of frustration. That, coupled with how the world is now I get increasingly frustrated.. I never felt like I belonged. I feel that moreso now. 

Those who have follwed on here for a while, or even had more than a small interaction with me knows about my issues with mobility, illness, and depression. I'm seriously fighting the "What's the point" thought lately. 

I don't give myself a chance with people. I feel they've rejected me before interacting with me. So I reject myself. I mean, I miss interacting with people. I miss things like hugs or kisses.. I have been working on it for a while but it's tough to shake. When you treat yourself like dirt for years, it's hard to stop that thinking. 

There are even times I wonder why I bother writing my blogs. I wonder if actual people read them or if it's random bots. 

There are days I'd love to turn my head off.. Just have nothing running through my head, just running on autopilot. 

Don't worry, dear reader.. I do not plan on harming myself. My thoughts are simply in the realm of disappearing.. But I'm too stubborn to do that..

Wednesday, January 10, 2024

Yesterday vs Today

 This is a topic that's been percolating in my head for a while. It's gotten to the point where I can't sleep at night, so I figure I should get it out...

As my friends know, I'm on disability. Disability rates are horrible, and have been for 30 years now. There is a lot of negativity towards people with disabilities online, especially when it comes to asking/trying to get help surviving the month. 

It's exhausting for everyone involved to constantly need to beg for money to just get by. None of the people asking for money on Twitter under the #MutualAid hashtag are rolling in the dough. We're trying to feed ourselves. Keep a roof over our head. Try to keep a phone connected so we can make/keep appointments that are needed for our health. 

We're not asking for money to go out drinking.. We're not using the money for drugs. (Unless it's a prescription not covered by the Drug Benefit program) Definitely not getting high end tvs and video game systems.. 

We get pushback. We get troll comments. We get "Prove your need before I give you money" then "Show me the receipts for what you spent it on" We get called lazy. We get told to get a job. (Trust me, dear reader, if I could go back to driving a school bus, I'd be there in a heartbeat) 

They call us Communist/Socialist/Freeloaders, amongst other things. 

These people fail to understand that things aren't like they were in our Grandparents' day, or even our parents' day when all you needed to do was pull yourself up by your bootstraps, show a can do attitude and you'll find a job lickety-split. 

Back in their day, you could find a job walking down the street.. You could buy a house and live comfortably on one income. 

Now? Well, now everything is online. Applications etc are all done by computers and scored before you get a call... IF you get a call.. You go in with a resume they look at you funny and tell you to apply online. I had this argument with my ex wife in the 2010s when I was unemployed. Because I wasn't going out and getting in peoples' faces, I wasn't trying hard enough... Or I just wasn't trying. 

The old thinking is still pervasive in our thinking, but the old ways are obsolete. If you don't follow the instructions on how to apply, they throw your resume out without looking. (Also, people who think we're lazy.. Think about this for a second... In the old days, people helped each other out in times of need.. It's funny how this thinking flew away what seems to be 40 years ago, but the old "Pull yourself up and you can do it!" is still around)

Right now, Canada is in a perfect storm of crisis due to inaction. Slow building on housing, particularly affordable housing (thanks, NIMBYS... How do you like the tent cities instead?) and increased immigration means more and more people are being priced out of the market, both ownership and rental. Lack of funding in healthcare means we have long wait times, people who need rooms/beds hanging out in hallways, and just a general inability to get the system to the point it needs to be in order to be effective.

Disability rates were frozen in the 1990s. They have not increased to be anywhere close to even breaking even with poverty. We're 50% below the poverty line. We're forgotten by the Governments, and really, they would rather have us use MAiD to get rid of us than to fund healthcare and the programs needed to give us some dignity. 

People online punch down at us all the time. I think it's easy for them to do it because in the end, nobody cares about us. It makes them feel better about their own tenuous hold on the life they want, hoping to ignore the fact that an injury or missed paycheck puts them in the same position we're in. 

I made the joke before. I can't remember if it was here or just on the X-Twit... I have an Amazon wishlist. I updated it to cover things I need and things I want. I refuse to share it though because there are some things people would consider frivolous. And we all know people with disabilities aren't allowed to have hobbies or fun! 

What are the solutions? That's the million dollar question.. I mean the obvious are put funds into healthcare and housing. Get housing built. Tell NIMBYs to Sit and Rotate.. Increase the rates for Disability.. (People HATE this idea for some reason. Something about their money paying for lazy people blah blah blah... They already pay for the lazy clowns in Ottawa, Toronto, and other Provincial Capitals.. Why aren't they bitching about them??) Based on the amount the taxpayer actually pays towards a PWD is 0.00003 cents.... Their opinion is valued as such...

The other thing that ruffles feathers is Universal Basic Income.. Lot of people are thinking it'll cause people to quit work and sit at home rather than work.. Then there's the bleats of Communism/Socialism/Marxism... There was a  pilot project done in a couple cities in Ontario before Doug the Slug got in.. More people were able to work, including some PWDs. Crime went down in some areas.. But no, because isms and 15 minute cities, great reset, WEF blah blah blah....

So again... What do we do? We can't go this route stupidly thinking it's going to course correct. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if things turn toward more automation, more use of AI, and less human employment.. Then what?

I don't know...  

Thursday, December 28, 2023

A Bit of a Rant

 The last few days I've been having trouble falling asleep because my head won't stop going a mile a minute. 

There's been talk about Universal Basic Income coming to Canada. There have been small scale trials previously. The latest one being a few years ago in a couple areas in Ontario. Lindsay, Ontario and Thunder Bay, Ontario being two of the places doing a trial run. 

Well, cue the loud dissenters.. 

"Oh this is the last step to communism! If this goes in, I'm leaving Canada! I don't want to pay for lazy bums to sit at home and collect MY hard earned money"

"It'll only cause people to sit at home.. People will quit their jobs and collect and do nothing."

And the always popular

"If you're poor, here's an idea: Get. A. Job."

etc etc etc


I'm on the fence about it, honestly. I'd need to see how they would implement it. How they would work and clawbacks for income levels, and other logistical things. One of the big things would be that in order for it to work properly, it would need to replace Welfare, Disability, and Employment Insurance. I'm sure there's others in there as well. 

If they do it as a trial run, they would need to have a mechanism in place to restore the services prior to the implementation of UBI. 

But really there are two things that burn my ass about this.. 

1. People with disabilities who would love to be able to work that are unable to due to physical issues or chronic illness are being lumped into these "Lazy bums"

2. The people who are loudly voicing their opposition don't realize that in the trial runs they had, people ended up working more. (What a concept... A person on Welfare or Disability can afford *good* food for once is in a better place health wise to actually work) and in some areas, crime went down. 

Oh.. I should also mention that services for the poor, including healthcare visits, etc, total between 70-80 Billion dollars.. A year... 

Now, I take the possible implementation with a grain of salt and a healthy dose of cynicism.. I'll believe it when I see it, and hope it doesn't come out quarter baked like the Canada Disability Benefit that the government's promised for years now and still have no fucking clue what to do.. 


Now.. Those who know me know I used to be a school bus driver before I lost the full usage of my right foot due to septic shock. Those who know me know I'm lucky to be alive. They also know that I would LOVE to go back to driving a school bus because I loved the work.. Hell, even when I hated the work environment, I did the best I could, and in some cases, became the best damned employee they had.. 

There are limitations to my mobility as a result of the trauma from septic shock. Stairs are a bitch for me.. I can't run, walk fast, kneel, or sit on the floor.. Call centres spike my anxiety. SO tell me, dear reader, what kind of job can I get with those restrictions in place, also remembering that I have a chronic illness that can knock me out anywhere from a week to a couple months... Now.. Would you hire me?? 


I don't think so.. 

However, according to these clowns, I'm a lazy ass who doesn't  want to work and, from what I can tell, would rather see me and others like me die than see us be able to live with some dignity. 


I can see some people calling me a Liberal or, as they so love to say, Libtard... For my view on this.. Fact is.. None of the major parties in Canada really align with my views. I don't even really know how to define my views.. I just know that the Conservative Saviour Pierre Poilievre isn't the saviour they think he is.. The whole lot of them need to be thrown away and replaced. 

But that's a rant for another time. 

I even joked around Christmas on Twitter that I had done up a wishlist on Amazon, but I didn't publish it because there's things on there that can be considered frivolous... And we all know people with disabilities aren't allowed to have hobbies or fun... lol

Friday, December 15, 2023

It's That Time of Year Again..

 It's December, meaning we're getting close to both Christmas and the end of another year. 

This year has been a rough one for me, as it has been for many. I spent time in and out of the hospital. A rather ugly knee wound. Being increasingly out of touch with friends and family. All adding up to a month where I'm honestly feeling very down. 


Of course the biggest and constant issue is money. I do get my "January" ODSP cheque on the 20th of December. That however, has to last until the end of January. Aside from that, I need groceries. I'd like to get myself something small for Christmas as a "You survived the year!" gift, but I can't afford it. That gift, by the way, would be the Mario RPG remake. 

The last two weeks I've gotten to this time of evening, around suppertime, and just felt like going to bed. Tonight I feel like breaking down crying then maybe going to bed.. I can't though because I need a shower. Today is a shower day for me. 

One thing I came to grips with yesterday with my CMHA worker was that things aren't what they used to be. Even when I felt like I was out of place at my ex in-laws' house, it was still family. It was still spending time with others. 

I haven't put up a tree or any decorations because it makes me think of time past. I also know that whatever I put up won't match the image I have in my head. That image being a darkened living room illuminated by the glow of the tree lights, giving it a warmth you don't get any other time of year..

I don't know what to do. I can't go on sleeping 12-16  hours a day. 


Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season. I appreciate each and every one of you that has come and read my ramblings and rantings both here and on my Card Blog.