This May be Triggering....

 Today I want to talk about something that may be triggering to some people. If it is, I understand if you click away after you find out I want to talk about suicidal thoughts and the role they've played in my life the last few years...

Ok....

Honestly, the first time I had any sort of thoughts about not wanting to be here anymore was as a teenager.. My parents would call me useless, then in the next breath ask me to do stuff.. There were days I'd bury my face in a pillow.. Obviously, trying to suffocate yourself that way doesn't work.. I was pretty decent after that.

After a while of just plowing through everything just to survive, I got married and divorced. I finally found a job again after being unemployed for four years. 

Then one day while I was driving my school bus route, it happened.. I was sitting at a corner, making sure it was clear for me to go when I had a very vivid image in my head. Almost movie like... It was of me finishing my route, going home, and grabbing a steak knife from the drawer and slitting my wrists. 

I told the dispatcher when I got back, because it scared me. We talked for a while and I just said that all I felt was either anger or sadness. I got into counseling and was taken off the road for a bit. 

Then COVID hit.. And then my legs got cellulitis again.. And just kept getting worse.. As mentioned before, I was told I was 12 hours from death when I went into emerg.. I found out later the homecare nurse was debating not coming to my house that day. 

While I was in the hospital, I wanted to die. I was in so much pain. I didn't see myself getting better. I did though. And while I did deal with a few times of wanting to either wrap the call bell cord around my neck or use the incredibly dull scissors to cut myself, I didn't.. 

Most recently, while I was taking the pills I take at night before I go to bed, I had another mental flash. This one was taking a bottle of either my heart medication, or my blood thinner, and just downing the entire bottle. 

I don't know what the heart med would do.. But I do know that if my blood gets too thin, it doesn't carry oxygen. I also know that a stiff breeze would cause me to bleed and likely bleed out. 

I'm mentioning all this because I want you to know that thoughts don't have to turn into actions. Also, you're not alone. It may feel like it, but you're not.