February

 It's now February. A month where it's usually the gloomiest and longest feeling month of the year, while being the shortest in actual days. 

So far, though, this month has been an improvement over the last two. I was in such a deep depression in December and January that it was a struggle to do anything. There were days I didn't eat because it was tooo much energy to cook. There were a number of days where I didn't want to wake up. Just go to sleep and never wake up again. 

It was during this time however, that I also realized I have unconsciously created a failsafe if I get to the point of wanting to take action on the thoughts sometime.. 

As you may or may not know, I live in an assisted living building that is based around independent living, but supports when needed. Some people need help with showering and housekeeping (me) others need help with everything, it all depends on the person and the level of support they need.. 

Well, one of the things they do is.. If the client needs to go to the hospital via ambulance, they will wait with the client until the paramedics arrive. 

In my head, I've created a plan for if I create a plan for self harm. When I feel those thoughts getting overwhelming, I would call the staff to get someone to sit with me until paramedics or a crisis line can be reached. This way I have someone here to help me through the time, and to ensure I don't follow through with the action. 

Being an analytical person, I guess it shouldn't be too surprising to have the plan to stop any plans.. 

I realize this blog and the topics can be a little dark or heavy. I do appreciate those who read it and those who leave messages. It does make me feel less like I'm screaming into the void. It does help me process the thoughts rather than having them bounce around in my head. Also, I'm hoping that by throwing this out into the ether, that it may one time reach someone who needs it. Even if it's to validate their feelings and let them know they're not alone in them.. 

I know.. Lofty goals and all that.. I've had the thought of being a speaker or something since I recovered from the septic shock but my own insecurities stop me from really putting myself out there to speak on those experiences because at the same time I have the little voice saying in my head "Would anyone care? What makes your story so important?"