Thoughts

 Lately my thoughts have been getting the better of me. I listened to the Oldies station in town and Lovers in a Dangerous Time by Barenaked Ladies came on. I'm not ready for that to be called an Oldie! Coupled with watching gamephay footage of an old PS1 game, WCW vs the World.. I would honestly get a PS1 just for that game again..  Then it got me thinking.. Thinking about the things I miss.. 

I miss the house we lived in until my mom passed away.. I hate the fact that the person who bought the house after us gutted the thing completely. I miss some of the TV shows that were on at the time. 

Air Farce, WCW.. Night Stand with Dick Dietrich. Duckman. I miss some of the chocolate that we had back then. Some of the drinks that were available.. 

I miss all this stuff and I know it's in the past and never coming back. I don't know if this is how a midlife crisis feels, but I can't shake it. Just a constant feeling of frustration. That, coupled with how the world is now I get increasingly frustrated.. I never felt like I belonged. I feel that moreso now. 

Those who have follwed on here for a while, or even had more than a small interaction with me knows about my issues with mobility, illness, and depression. I'm seriously fighting the "What's the point" thought lately. 

I don't give myself a chance with people. I feel they've rejected me before interacting with me. So I reject myself. I mean, I miss interacting with people. I miss things like hugs or kisses.. I have been working on it for a while but it's tough to shake. When you treat yourself like dirt for years, it's hard to stop that thinking. 

There are even times I wonder why I bother writing my blogs. I wonder if actual people read them or if it's random bots. 

There are days I'd love to turn my head off.. Just have nothing running through my head, just running on autopilot. 

Don't worry, dear reader.. I do not plan on harming myself. My thoughts are simply in the realm of disappearing.. But I'm too stubborn to do that..