46

 This coming April 1, I will be turning 46 years old.

I have been battling deeper depression and suicidal thoughts since I turned 40. 

I know at this point things generally start to change anyway. 

There were times I wanted to no longer be on the planet as early as my teenage years. Those times were usually born out of emotion and frustration.I was upset with my parents for calling me useless.. My mom fired me from a job because I got annoyed with a french fry that wouldn't stop going into the drain.. (long story) 

As I entered my 20s, my depression and anxiety laid rather dormant. It only kicked up when I worked in a call centre. That is where I found out I can't deal with phones all day. I also found out that if I'm going to be in a position where I'm going to be abused by customers, I'd rather it be done to my face than over the phone. 

My mom passed in 2006.. I got married.. Divorced... That sums up my 30s.. 

I would say there was a fair bit of verbal abuse from my ex wife. It was really in that marriage where I started feeling like I wasn't good enough for anyone. 

I'd have people criticize me for my weight. For my hygiene.. For whatever they could. I think it was there where I really felt like I wasn't worthy of love. Where I wasn't good enough for anyone. How the only thing anyone ever saw was my body rather than the person inside. Where the resentment of people close to me really started. 

It's also where my habit of pre-rejection started. Where I started saying "I reject myself so you don't have to" 

I've only ever had one relationship. That was with my ex wife. I've been rejected, ridiculed, and joked about since high school. I'm working on my self-esteem and self-worth. Not being able to work like I used to has destroyed whatever self-worth I did have. 

When I hit 40, that's when the suicidal thoughts and visions really started hitting again. The first one that really scared me was  while I was driving my school bus route.. With kids.. I told my dispatcher and got myself off the road. Got into councilling.. Since I've been also having phantom sensations.. I'll feel a noose around my neck, or like someone's choking me. When I was hospitalized for the Septic Shock due to cellulitis, part of me wanted to die. The fact that I recovered and am still recovering shows I have some stubborn will to live. 

I've been on disability supports. They are woefully inadequate. Halfway through the month I'm out of money. I take care of my monthly bills but am left short for groceries. So each month I either have to beg for help or starve. Since I am at risk for diabetes, a starve/feed cycle really wouldn't be the best for me. I also don't get a chance to take part in hobbies. I'm a baseball card collector. I like to trade with other people, but I can't afford postage most months. 

So here we are today. 10 days before my birthday. I still feel like most days I'm better off dead and nobody would notice. I wouldn't be a burden on friends, family and society. I wouldn't have people making me feel like shit for needing help. 

But... That stubborn will to live pops up. Despite the hopelessness. Despite the depression. Despite everything... I'm still here. And unless something stikes me down.... I'll be here for another year.