Path to ODSP Part 3

 Now we're into part three of the journey I took to my current situation

I was being moved from B4 to B2. One rehab floor to another. B2 is more aggressive and "prep for home" mode than B4 was. Considering I hadn't taken a step yet and was unable to get into and out of bed without help of a lift, I was not feeling I was ready for the move to the more aggressive floor. 

I was moved regardless..

The physiotherapists tried to get me to stand up by using the harness lift, but the issue was the way we were trying it. They were going to get me up directly from the side of the bed with it. When I sat up on the side of the bed, I was too far from the mechanical lift. When they tried using it, My right side went up and I would have basically been horizontal.. Instead, they used the bed to lift me up to a standing position until I was able to do it on my own.. 

I was also dealing with severe muscle tightness in my legs, specifically my right. It was to the point where I had to stand for a few seconds, sit down, and stand again in order to move. It was also around this time they decided that it would be a good time to have me start working on using the commode. 

For those keeping score. I could barely move. It took two people to get me out of my bed to help me stand.. And they were wanting me to use the commode when I needed the bathroom. It was difficult. The Physiotherapist and Occupational Therapist on the floor were always pushing me, wanting me to get better. I appreciated their cheerleading and their motivation, but there were days when my body just would  not cooperate. 

It was also on this floor that I had a Vac machine attached to me to help with my backside wound. It took three separate tries for them to be able to make it work successfully, but it worked. Well, when it wanted to. The machine was very picky. Because of where the wound was (right beside my crack) a seal was difficult to get and keep. 

Anywhere I went I had this machine attached to me. It got very annoying, but at least I wasn't getting 13 feet of iodine soaked gauze stuffed in my ass anymore. Toileting, however, was an issue. 

This may be Too Much Information for some people, but keep in mind, this is what I dealt with and part of what brought me to where I am now. 

I would go to the bathroom. Depending, I would have the Vac beep at me for blockage or whatever else. I was still feeling weak, not having my full strength back to be able to stand and do simple things like wipe myself fully. Coupled with the fact that I had a film on my wound called Tegaderm, and with the placement of the wound again being right beside my crack, the Tegaderm would cover part of my crack. I would go to wipe and I'd hit Tegaderm. I couldn't tell if I was getting myself fully clean.. I didn't feel like I was getting fully clean. I was in the hospital due to septic shock in the first place. I had a couple times where the nurses thought I went septic again.. I was not willing to take a chance of fecal matter getting into a gaping wound... So naturally, I would get panic attacks when I needed to go to the bathroom. 

Now.. I will say this again. All the nurses at the PRHC are awesome. Going through the pandemic and other bullshit they do on a daily basis they don't get the credit they deserve. However, the ones I had on B2 could have used empathy training. 

See, B2 was the rehab floor to "get you prepared for home" however... Home wouldn't have me sitting in a large boxed room going to the bathroom. My bathroom at the time was a cramped little space where a water pipe was against my leg and the shower frame was right across from me for help to get up. Home would also mean I wouldn't have Tegaderm covering half of my ass. Their great refrain was always "What are you going to do when you get home?" Finally I said to one "Hopefully, when I go home I won't have Tegaderm covering half of my ass" their reply was to sigh and huff "Fine.. I'll wipe."

I had another nurse tell me they didn't buy the fact I was having a panic attack.. 

In there I did have a spot where I went into Atrial Fibrillation and was moved to A4, where they deal with cardiac patients. The room I was in there was weirdly shaped. Kind of like the L piece in Tetris. The bathroom was in the long part of the "L" The sink was in the short part.. The bed went parallel to the short wall of the "L" I had a vac and an IV in me. I had a heart monitor on me.. And the nurses were confused as to why I wasn't trying to use the commode.. I was so wrapped up in wires that went everywhere but somewhere that made sense that I didn't even want to move for fear of something being knocked out of place. 

After a week in A4 I was moved back to B2. This was where the panic attacks for the bathroom set in mostly.. I was here until the end of June, 2021 When I was discharged. 

The fun that was leading up to the discharge and what followed will be next time..

Path to ODSP Part 2

 Today I'll continue my journey.

So I was in Intensive Care. They soon talked about moving me to one of the rehab floors. I didn't feel ready for that. But they insisted. So I was moved to another floor. My first room had a mechanical lift I didn't feel comfortable or safe in. They wanted me to sit in a wheelchair but I was in no shape to do so. My legs were still pins and needles, I barely ate, and my head was lolling all over the place. I was ready to go back to bed after 20 minutes. I was in the chair for two hours. 

After a few days I was moved to a different room with a better mechanical lift.  It was here I met one of the nicest people. She was the custodian for my room. We would talk, sometimes about how I was doing, sometimes about what I did before I was in the hospital. There were some nurses that were amazing on that floor as well. 

Physio was tough. my red blood cell count was low, which caused me to feel light headed when I sat up. Almost every time I sat in the wheelchair they had for me I was either feeling like I was going to pass out, or I was in pain because I ended up having a pressure ulcer on my backside. 

My body was getting less stiff and sore as time went on, but I needed to re-learn how to walk. I needed to be able to stand.. The physio guys were awesome. There were more than a few days I was cursing their names.. They stuck with me. I needed to be lifted out of the bed and into the chair. Just before they moved me down to a different rehab floor, I was just starting to be able to stand up with the help of another harness. 

While I was on this floor, I had the ulcer looked at on my backside. They ended up having to clear it out. It was a rather large area. And deep... I joked I had the Grand Canyon on my ass. In order to help it heal, I was packed with iodine soaked gauze twice a day. I will say it hurt. 

I'll end it here and continue next post. 

My Path to ODSP

I'm on ODSP, which is Ontario Disability Support Program. It's designed to assist those who have physical limitations to receive income. Unfortunately, it's not nearly enough to survive on, never mind live. 

People on Disability and other income support programs are the poorest of the poor with no hope of getting out. Yes, if you're on welfare and capable of working, you get assistance looking for a job. You can even get help with programs like Second Career to train for a new career path. Disability allows those who can work to work, however, those who are on ODSP and unable to work are left behind. Same with seniors who rely on their government run pension to survive. 

Two years ago I took a leave from my job working as a bus driver due to Cellulitis that refused to get better. By January I had a leg that was draining heavily, parts of my toes were getting a black crust on them. At the same time I was dealing with stretches of not eating and not going to the bathroom. 

I finally went to the hospital when I couldn't move because I was so sore and so weak. 

As I laid on the stretcher in the Ambulance garage in the emergency department while being swarmed by nurses and a doctor, I had IVs put in both arms, them checking vital signs, and other assessments. I heard the doctor say "Septic shock due to cellulitis, acute renal failure. Possible necrotizing fascitis. If it is, we may need to amputate." They cut into my leg in two spots to test for it (it was negative) and found my intestinal bleed later. The only pain I felt was them trying to put a catheter in.. 

They brought me into the emergency room and I remember nothing until I was being wheeled to Intensive Care. They originally thought I could be in and out.. Then they found the extent of the damage.. 

In Intensive Care, I was in pain all the time. My whole body ached. My legs felt like they were being stabbed by porcupines. I was on a morphine drip for a few days. I needed dialysis. I am lucky enough to say my kidney function returned, so dialysis wasn't permanent. I did not have necrotizing fascitis in my leg. I couldn't eat because my mouth was bumpy and had black spots in it. To be changed, I needed four nurses to roll me in the bed. Two to push, two to pull because I had no strength to do it or to help. 

I'll break it off here, the next part will be up soon.  

I'm Tired.....

 I'm tired.. 

Tired of feeling like I'm worthless. Feeling like I'm not good enough. Feeling like I deserve all the shit I deal with on a daily basis. Feeling like I deserve the spot in life where I can't afford the basic fucking necessities to live. 

I'm still recovering both physically and mentally from a near death experience due to illness. I'm physically unable to return to my previous job that I really loved. I worry about looking for a new job, because of my current limitations. I can't stand for hours on end like I used to. I can't walk fast or run if need be. Some days I need my walker. Some days I may need my wheelchair. I still deal with the possibility of infections in my legs. This will be a condition I'll deal with likely for the rest of my life. I worry about going into a job interview, them seeing my walker/chair and immediately deciding against hiring me. 

I'm tired of needing to beg and borrow money from friends just to survive the month. Services like food banks aren't accessible to people with mobility issues here in Peterborough. In order for me to actually be able to use the services, I'd need someone to go for me. That is one of the many supports I need that fall out of the range of the PSWs in the building I live in. 

We're coming up to winter. I need a new winter coat because my old one is gone. I don't know where it is. Even if I did know where it is, the zipper has been broken on it for three years now. I'm not even sure if my foot will fit my boots. 

I'm tired of worrying so much about how I'm going to feed/clothe/keep myself with basic needs that I can't do anything fun for myself. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of feeling like I'm forgotten. I'm tired of worrying about if my friends think I'm only contacting them when I need something. 

I'm tired of the bullshit going on in the world. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of being stuck. I'm to the point that I'm beginning to wonder if I'm such a horrible person nobody wants to be around me. I'm beginning to wonder if that's why I'm always the one reaching out to friends, rather than them being busy. They just don't want to deal with me.. 

I'm just tired... Tired of living the way I am. Because this sure as fuck isn't living... 

A Post About Me

This is a little odd, probably. 

I mean, if you're reading this, you either know me from somewhere already or I've sent it to people with the intent on it getting read by people I want it to.. 

But this is a little different. 

I had a mini emotional shutdown. And in that time, I admit there was a fair bit of anger.. 

But in that anger was some clarity. 

We're all unique in some way. We all have something to bring to the table, yet we always downplay that. 

I mean, think about a job interview. When they ask you about yourself, they want to know what skills/etc you bring to the company. How do you benefit them better than the 300 other applicants..

And we usually spout off the same phrases. 

Same with dating apps, really.. 

I think it's a case of we're either afraid to show our "real" selves to the world. Either that, or we think the "real" us is boring as Hell.. But at the same time, given enough thought, and maybe even enough preparation, we can do our own Hulk Hogan or Ric Flair style promo about ourselves, though I know that's a little out there for me.. I'll say it in my mind, but I won't put it out there 

(see what I mean??)

Anyway... This is going to be about me.. What about me?? Well, as with anything else I write in this thing, it's stream of consciousness.. 

If it makes sense, great.. If it puts you to sleep, well.. I hope you had a good nap :P

So...

ABOUT ME:

The boring normal stuff first: 

I was born in Thunder Bay Ontario, and currently live in Peterborough Ontario. 

I drive a school bus for employment. It can be rather stressful, but I enjoy the job. 

I have been married and divorced. 

I deal with anxiety and depression and have been for a while. Probably the better part of 25 years now.. 

Ok.. Still awake? Cool..

I used to draw a lot. I also used to write poetry, but I stopped that years ago. I have written a couple recently, but very rusty.

I think I have a little perfectionism in me. If only because I'll do something, then decide there's a better way to do it and restart it.. (My baseball card sorting is the biggest example of that right now) 

I don't fit neatly into a category.. 

What I mean by that is this: I play games but I'm not a "gamer" anymore. I usually just play baseball on my PS4 or Civilization 5 on my computer. Or Out of the Park Baseball. There are others I play on the computer, but I don't play them often.

I like some sci-fi, but I'm not crazy about it.. I'm not a fan of either Star Trek or Star Wars, but I enjoy reading the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. (Always know where your towel is) 

I generally don't enjoy talking with a lot of people. I've always had problems relating with people my own age.

Babies scare me.. Very awkward around them.. 

Speaking of the very young (and very old) Yes... I'm overweight. You might even say obese.. I am aware of this fact.. You don't need to point it out. 

I have a healthy (unhealthy) dose of cynicism due to working for over a decade in a convenience store. You don't know the level of stupid until then... 

Phones give me anxiety. I had to leave a job due to the nature of the work. (call centres) 

I miss my hometown of Terrace Bay, even though I know there's absolutely nothing there for me. 

When I'm depressed, I listen to depressing music to make me feel better.. When I was younger, it was actually a Type O Negative CD that helped me turn around my depression. 

I do have suicidal thoughts from time to time, but they don't progress to attempts.

My go to method of getting over something now seems to be an emotional shut down for a while. I recognize it's self destructive, but It's what I've done for a while now.. 

*poke poke* 

Still there?

If you made it to here.. What would your "About Me" look like?

Weekend of Relaxation

Well, this weekend I did a whole lot of nothing.. Partially because I was tired from the week. A couple days being awake from 2AM will do that, and partially because I woke up with a bad headache today. 

I did plan on going out one of the two days for either Chinese Food or just to Chapters to read for a while, but I didn't get out at all.. I was even thinking about checking out the second hand store here in town for used PS4 games. 

But I did none of that....

I generally take one day of the weekend to sleep, since work generally becomes tiring.. 

I slept Saturday. I woke up today with a bad headache, so I decided to sleep today too.. 

It was nice.. After a week of steady anxiety attacks, I needed to relax and reset somewhat. 

But at the same time, I know that I can't do that every weekend. I'm in a rut. And trying to get out of that rut is rather hard, especially since the only one really pulling me out of it is myself.. So when you would rather sit at home, with no external pressure, you tend to stay home. 

It doesn't help when everyone I want to spend time with is busy with their own lives. 

I've always said I don't meet people well, but I think it's more along the lines of I don't really give myself much of a chance to get to know people. 

Part of it is I tend to think I'm boring, or just uninteresting. I generally hide in crowds. After a while I just can't handle crowds. 

I don't really know where I'm going with this today. I just felt the need to write something out today because I haven't done a thing anywhere for a week. 

So I guess I will leave this off with a question.. 

What do you do to get out of a rut, when you're the one that needs to prod yourself out of it?

A New Direction

I think with the way my head has been the last couple months, I might start using this space again as a stream of consciousness style thing.. 

Maybe just to get people to understand where my head is on certain days. 

I've had a near constant anxiety attack now for a week.. It started at our Halloween potluck for work. 

The trigger? Asking a coworker I have a crush on to take a picture with me. In the picture and for the rest of the party, my face is beet red. 

When I was younger, that used to happen whenever I was around someone I liked. I hadn't had that problem in over 20 years. Until then... 

Different things kept giving me anxiety, including a lot of thoughts about asking said coworker to dinner sometime. 

I ended up asking on Friday. I didn't get a yes, but I didn't get a no.. When I said it doesn't have to be a date, but as friends, she said maybe, and gave perfectly reasonable explanations on the considerations. 

However, the irrational part of my head latched onto this (and it would have regardless of the answer) and said "Maybe isn't a yes... There's still time for this to go bad.. etc etc etc.."

Now I should also mention why my head goes this direction regardless... When I was younger, I was the butt of jokes when it came to anything, really. I was generally a loner. I spent time with 5 people and that was about it. Rarely left the house aside for school or to see one of those 5 people. I would have people write saying they wanted to meet me but never show, or write someone else's name on it, stuff like that. 

So that's what my brain latches onto. 

Now, if she said a definite yes, my thoughts would have been something along the lines of "I'll believe it when she's sitting across from me" and if it was a definite no, I would have basically expected that and been done with it. 

Afterward, I started questioning why I asked. Was it a smart move? Why did I put myself through that? Did I just make things weird between us? 

I talked to her again Monday.. After scraing the crap out of her because she didn't expect me to be standing behind her.. (I move quietly for a man my size) and she said to me "I know it's easier said than done, but relax!!" 

I've been trying... My brain won't shut off.. 

Fast forward to today.. I should mention.. I'm a driver for a living. Between my times driving, I'm generally around the office. Well, today, I was helping deal with some stuff that came up as part of an event we're planning for the company. I started getting an anxiety attack.. To the point where I had to go hide in my vehicle. 

I can't deal with this much longer. I'm on a waiting list for counseling. I also have another appointment with my health care professional at the end of the month. But I don't know if I can do it much more right now. 

So yeah... That's what's on in my head right now. It's not a very fun place to be..