As you can probably guess from the title, and the fact that I started this at 4:40am, I'm having a night where sleep is but a dream..
While I do have some opinion posts planned, I need to do a little bit of legwork on them before I write. So today, I want to continue my attempt of not being as negative on here with a post of things I'm grateful for.
I'm grateful for my innate stubbornness.. It's a blessing and a curse to be honest. While it did get me through the near death illness and the recovery process to the point of getting out of the hospital, it also got me sick enough that hospitalization was needed.
I know the talk about wanting to die for a while was probably an uncomfortable topic, but it was a stuggle I needed help with. Yes, I was and still am seeing mental health professionals, but sometimes you need friends too.. Someone who isn't paid to say things like "People would miss you"
That talk was a way of asking for assistance through the trying times.
There's also this poster that I have saved on my phone..
So really, those posts are me asking for a stick.. Dear readers, the messages of concern you've sent are those sticks.
So all that sappy stuff tangent said... I'm grateful for you.. Yes, you.. Points to you directly You and points elsewhere you and everyone else.
I'm grateful to be in a housing situation where I can get the help I need.
I'm grateful for my sense of humour. I repeatedly said while recovering in the hospital that if I lost my sense of humour, that was the time to truly worry.. That would be the point where I gave up..
I'm grateful for those who have helped with needs while I'm struggling in poverty.
That's about all I can think of off the top of my head.
Wherever you are, whatever may be going on, remember...
You matter
If I may be so crass.... You're the reason someone masturbates today...
I'm feeling oddly good today.. Though part of it is also feeling antsy. But anyway.
I've been in a deep hole for a while and I know it's been rather negative around here lately. I wanted to do something different today and bring up some of my favourite songs.
Straw Hat and Old Dirty Hank by Barenaked Ladies
I don't know what it is about this song, but I've loved it since I first heard it on Born on a Pirate Ship.
No Man's Land - Billy Joel
This is the opening song of the River of Dreams album. To me it speaks of the isolation in urbanization, if that makes any sense. The River of Dreams album is one of my favourites overall.
Twilight in Hell - Lillian Axe
That opening riff..
Voyager II - Virginia Coalition
I found this group on MySpace (remember THAT place??) years ago.. I have a few favourites from them, though one doesn't seem to have any representation on YouTube..
I love the melodies and the energy their songs have. That and the stories..
Other songs I love of theirs are Spare Change, The River, Green and Grey...
Tell Me Why - Genesis
This is another one I've always just loved the message of. And really... The message in this seems to be timeless...
Never is Enough - Barenaked Ladies
I remember the first time I heard this song. It was still when it was in a demo stage. I got into the song right away.
Walking Through Walls - Escape Club
I don't know what it is.. I just loved this song from the first time I heard it.
The Last Saskatchewan Pirate - Captain Tractor
Now.. There are two groups that originally did this song. The Arrogant Worms, and Captain Tractor. I like both versions, but this one is above the Worms.. This is just a fun song all around.
Shades of Grey - Billy Joel
Another song off the River of Dreams album. This song spoke to me when I was young. The album came out in my Grade 9 year. I think I've always known things aren't black and white.. Sometimes we just don't see, or have the mesans to articulate, the nuances...
Intermittently - Barenaked Ladies
This was off Maybe You Should Drive. MYSD is one of my all time favourite albums. I don't skip songs on it when I listen to it.
These Apples - Barenaked Ladies
Another song off Maybe You Should Drive. I love the guitar and for some reason, the little solo from 2:20-2:30 reminds me of the original Railroad Tycoon.
There were a couple songs I had written down that I couldn't find on YouTube. I mentioned Spare Change by Virginia Coalition earlier. Another one is I Will Not Go Quietly by Don Henley.
Thursdays I get help with housekeeping in my apartment. I'm in an independent living place, but with assistance. I get help with showering three times a week, housekeeping once a week, and other things as needed. For example, I can't put my shoes on by myself, so I need help with them. It's one thing that keeps me from ever really traveling.. Well aside from the complete lack of money.
Well, today was the first time in two weeks I had housekeeping. They were short staffed last week so it was canceled. I was able to do some things like get a bag of garbage out.. I also was able to somewhat keep up on dishes, but this week I was so on edge I'd stand and within a couple minutes I was shaking. So I had a pile this week.
When they come do my housekeeping, they normally sweep/mop my floors, gather garbages, and clean my toilet. Today they did that plus my dishes. Wonderful! But at the same time, I had one of the PSWs complaining about how dirty the seat was. Actually having to move his arm and elbow is more than light housekeeping to him, apparently. Complained about empty boxes being on the floor. Again said "Light housekeeping, this is just laziness, man...."
That set me off... Now.. When I get pissed off, I get really quiet.. I internalize it. My main reason for writing this tonight is to be able to get it out of my head enough to actually be able to sleep tonight.
This PSW that complained today is the only one that complains. I like the guy otherwise, but I think I might need to ask if I can not have him come up here..
As is I've been dealing with loneliness, depression and a general lack of worth. After this interaction, I had a feeling of a noose around my neck for 5 hours. I still feel like I have hands around my neck..
This weekend has been rather odd.. I've been on edgem restless, and generally off all weekend. Right now I feel like every nerve is on alert. I've tried spending time outside since it's been nice. I've watched videos to try to calm myself down. Nothing's working. I can't focus. I can't get back from this edge.
It's rather annoying since I'd like to be able to relax some. I'd like to be able to not have everything feel like I'm ready to crawl out of my skin.
All at once, I want to run around, scream, cry, pull my hair out, and things I haven't been able to even pin down in my head. My shoulder's been sore lately. My wrist has been sore. I feel like I have a noose around my neck.
I've been dealing with wanting to be around people while simultaneously not wanting to be around people. There are things I want to do that involve other people, but those things involve consent and interest by the other person.
It's a very tough place to be in. I imagine I'm not the only one dealing with these sensations and feelings. I just wonder, dear reader, how do you get past it? I've been like this for a few days now and it's driving me insane.
I don't want to use the same greeting I use on my card blog, so....
I'll use the made up word I've used to greet my best friend Luke..
Merflargen!
It's the end of the month. It's been somewhat eventful, but at the same time, not too exciting.I'm switching internet providers. It kicks in April 9. I still have to call to cancel the current net. I figure I'll call Tuesday (since tomorrow is a holiday) and just see the process. If I can "Pre-cancel" I'll set it up for that date. I mean, I figured saving $30 a month is a good thing..
The internet company I'm with now is good.. They're just more expensive than I can afford.. And if I want to add Disney+, Prime Video, and Netflix, I can with the company I'm going with for $15/month. So overall it's still $59 compared to $76.
I've been given another antidepressant to add to the one I'm already on. The new one is also supposed to help me sleep. Many nights I don't end up falling asleep until 4 or 5am...
Because my birthday is tomorrow, I had some people in a card group I'm in on Discord do some really neat things for me. One sent me a few grocery items.. One sent me some baseball cards. And one sent a pack of card pages and a Philips OneBlade since the one I had before I was hospitalized in 2021 vanished.
I have been fighting some loneliness. Talking to people online (Discord's great, Twitter is a cesspool. Facebook is kept because family and former coworkers) is much different from seeing people face to face. Really, though there are some things I really miss.. Conversation.. Hugs.. It's been so long since I've been kissed I forget how to do it..
I am getting better at drowning the negative thoughts again. I don't automatically say to myself "I want to go to bed and never wake up" as much as I have the last couple months. At the same time, I just don't know how much I can take. I am stubborn.. I think it's teamed with my will to live since I was hospitalized in 2021.. Because really.. If I was going to go, that was the time.
Anyway. I hope you wonderful people had a Good Easter. I hope April is well for you. And if you're a baseball fan, hopefully your team doesn't shit the bed too much this year.
This coming April 1, I will be turning 46 years old.
I have been battling deeper depression and suicidal thoughts since I turned 40.
I know at this point things generally start to change anyway.
There were times I wanted to no longer be on the planet as early as my teenage years. Those times were usually born out of emotion and frustration.I was upset with my parents for calling me useless.. My mom fired me from a job because I got annoyed with a french fry that wouldn't stop going into the drain.. (long story)
As I entered my 20s, my depression and anxiety laid rather dormant. It only kicked up when I worked in a call centre. That is where I found out I can't deal with phones all day. I also found out that if I'm going to be in a position where I'm going to be abused by customers, I'd rather it be done to my face than over the phone.
My mom passed in 2006.. I got married.. Divorced... That sums up my 30s..
I would say there was a fair bit of verbal abuse from my ex wife. It was really in that marriage where I started feeling like I wasn't good enough for anyone.
I'd have people criticize me for my weight. For my hygiene.. For whatever they could. I think it was there where I really felt like I wasn't worthy of love. Where I wasn't good enough for anyone. How the only thing anyone ever saw was my body rather than the person inside. Where the resentment of people close to me really started.
It's also where my habit of pre-rejection started. Where I started saying "I reject myself so you don't have to"
I've only ever had one relationship. That was with my ex wife. I've been rejected, ridiculed, and joked about since high school. I'm working on my self-esteem and self-worth. Not being able to work like I used to has destroyed whatever self-worth I did have.
When I hit 40, that's when the suicidal thoughts and visions really started hitting again. The first one that really scared me was while I was driving my school bus route.. With kids.. I told my dispatcher and got myself off the road. Got into councilling.. Since I've been also having phantom sensations.. I'll feel a noose around my neck, or like someone's choking me. When I was hospitalized for the Septic Shock due to cellulitis, part of me wanted to die. The fact that I recovered and am still recovering shows I have some stubborn will to live.
I've been on disability supports. They are woefully inadequate. Halfway through the month I'm out of money. I take care of my monthly bills but am left short for groceries. So each month I either have to beg for help or starve. Since I am at risk for diabetes, a starve/feed cycle really wouldn't be the best for me. I also don't get a chance to take part in hobbies. I'm a baseball card collector. I like to trade with other people, but I can't afford postage most months.
So here we are today. 10 days before my birthday. I still feel like most days I'm better off dead and nobody would notice. I wouldn't be a burden on friends, family and society. I wouldn't have people making me feel like shit for needing help.
But... That stubborn will to live pops up. Despite the hopelessness. Despite the depression. Despite everything... I'm still here. And unless something stikes me down.... I'll be here for another year.
I had a dream last night that won't leave my head, so I need to write it down and get it out there.
I was walking to work. Funnily enough, where I was walking was the last street I lived on back home, and the place I worked was a weird configuration of the Mac's I worked at here in Peterborough. On my way to work, I get shot. No blood or anything, I have chunks taken out of me, like I was made of rubber.. Kind of like the old LJN WWF wrestlers from the 80s.
I get to the store, go through trying to work my shift, but it's not working. Finally I mention what happened.. Suddenly I'm outside the store, the store is completely walled in and random things are happening.
1. A delivery is being prepped for the store
2. Someone calls an ambulance for me.
3. I remember just looking at the chunks taken out of me and just staring.
4. A transport sized tour bus of rescued dogs FLIES by in one direction, then slowly goes by in the other..
5. The Ambulance arrives at some point, but right then a hail storm bad enough to cause a white out happens..
At this point, the store has been reopened.. The storm is still happening and I'm outside on the ground. Just as suddenly as the storm started, it stops. By this time, I'm looking at a third-person viewpoint of myself on the ground, struggling to move while everything around me is still and silent.
I don't know how it ends. I don't know if it ends. I did find it odd that this dream came to me while I'm still dealing with where I fit in. IF I fit in. If I'm better off not being here. I don't like being a burden. I hate the fact I need to ask for help just to do simple things like be able to feed myself over the course of the month (I do cook for myself, but I don't always have the food to cook.. Most of my asking is hoping some kind stranger will give me $150 to get some groceries for the last half of the month.. Usually I hope for multiple kind strangers, but will gladly take any help I get)
Maybe this dream was my subconscious mind fighting back against these feelings, despite the fact that's where these feelings usually start. Maybe it was a sign that maybe I do matter, that I may not be whole right now and the struggle at the end was not knowing what direction to take to become whole again.
Maybe I'm just reading way too much into this and it was just a fucked up dream from a fucked up mind.. Who knows?
