Almost August Thoughts

 Greetings and salutations. 

I have a few things rattling around in the ol' dome that I want to get out.. 

First, Musicfest has been fun to volunteer at this summer. We still have shows to come until August 19, but it's been fun. I've enjoyed being around people again, even if it sometimes becomes overwhelming. The music hasn't been half bad either. The two I'm really looking forward to are coming up, so we'll see how they are. 

One downside to the volunteering though is it accentuates my loneliness. While I enjoy coming home and decompressing after a shift, it's also hard to come home and see the same four walls I took the volunteering position to excape for a while. 

That leads me to my second point.. There are different levels to loneliness and how we handle those feelings. This bout of loneliness I've been really struggling because it's a loneliness that craves touch.. I don't have anyone that I can ask to cuddle.. Not to mention some of the things that I'm fighting with are a little deeper than that.. The funny thing is, these are the days I get why people spend $1000s on escorts. 

The problem is though, I get irritated easily during these times. I can't handle stupidity at the best of times, but when this is happening even a sideways glance can set me off.. And I don't want to do that. I think that might have been what hit me on Saturday at Musicfest.. I was just so irritated and it bottled up to the point where I just got hit with a ton of bricks and needed to go.. The problem is, I don't know what caused the irritation. 

I've also hit a creative dead end.. I think that's adding to my irritation. I want to do something. I want to do something that, even if it reaches a couple people, reaches someone.. (I mean, yes I technically do this with my blogs, but... It's not the same.. ) The problem is.. I don't know how to start... I don't know what exactly I want to do or how to do it.. I've spent a lot of my time sleeping when I'm not at appointments or volunteering. I just don't know. 

Well, these are my screams into the void. May it reach eyeballls.. 

Summer Thoughts

 Hello!

I've been sitting on this for a while, mainly trying to articulate it aside from *flails wildly* 

Things have been happening for me lately. I feel that it's good for the most part, but it's still an unfamiliar feeling. I'm looking into bariatric surgery. Just waiting for my appointment for bloodwork and an EKG.. 

I'm volunteering twice a week at a free concert series here in Peterborough called Peterborough Musicfest. So far we've had Gowan, The Good Lovelies, Lighthouse, and Sass Jordan perform. We got rained out on Canada Day. It's nice seeing different people and feeling somewhat useful again, even for a couple hours. 

Recently we had Karaoke as an activity in our building. I sang a few songs without hesitating. That's not normal for me. I'm generally shy.. 

So now, I'm sitting here after the Lighthouse show, winding down after being around people for 5 hours and I'm feeling a mix of emotions. One is relief. I made it through another shift, another show.. One is sadness. I kind of want to see some of the people I volunteer with but don't get the chance to. I also start thinking on the way home about coming home and wanting to sleep for the next day. 

The other thing that I've been feeling lately is honestly, one of either waiting for the other shoe to drop or that something big is going to happen. What it is, I don't know. 

Anyone who has dealt with a lifetime of anxiety and depression knows the first feeling well. As for the shoe dropping feeling, we tend to anticipate something going sideways.. "Things are going *too* well right now..."

As for the feeling of something big.. I don't know. It could be something comes out of my volunteering where I can maybe get work. Or maybe they ask me to come back next summer. Or it could be something completely different that affects me but isn't directly on me.. 

I have ideas of things I'd love to do, but honestly, I don't know the first thing about going about any of it. So I write. So I stagnate. So I try to get out of the rut I've been in for a decade but can't get out regardless of what steps I do take. But I know this isn't the rest of my life. I know I have talents. I know I can be valuable in the right conditions. It's finding and unlocking that's the issue.. 

Work and Thoughts On It

 Hello!

As you may or may not know, I've been unemployed and on disability since 2021. I had a near death illness, that being septic shock. The trauma from the sepsis destroyed the nerves in my ankle. I have some mobility in it, but I don't have feeling or much strength in it. I used to drive a school bus. Because it's my right ankle, I would no longer pass the physical to return. 

All this is a little preamble to what I want to discuss here today.. 

That no matter the work you do, whatever profession, you ultimately sell your body.

I mention this because I see it a fair bit when people try to shame sex workers. How they're just selling their bodies and to get a real job.. 

Well, here's the thing.. Every job is selling your body to some extent. Physical labour positions are the easiest to explain, since you're actually using your body to create whatever project your boss told you to. You put your body on the line daily. 

Service jobs also sell their bodies. Ensuring a store is running smoothly, moving product around, processing customers, etc. 

Authors. Selling their mind. Their creativity and thoughts.

Athletes. Performing in their sport of choice. Yes, they do make a lot of money, but when their career cycle is so comparatively short to regular people, it's a little tiny bit better..

In any job, you are a product used by the company you work for in order to make the company money. You do your job for money. Therefore, you are selling your body, just like the sex workers that phrase is usually aimed at.. 

You may agree.. You may disagree... I don't really care. It's a different way of looking at life and the roles we play in it. 

Possibly a Minefield

 Well, far be it for me to either start or engage in minefield topics. I guess the last one was about... 10 years ago? Maybe? I don't know.. 

Anyway, while I was out a couple days ago, I was asked by one of two male teenagers sitting at the corner of George and Simcoe streets in Peterborough about my thoughts on abortion. 

Two thoughts immediately came to mind that had nothing to do with the topic.. First, was how come these teenagers are out here doing this instead of being in school? Second, was if this was some way of getting their volunteer hours, it's pretty crappy of the organizers to throw kids out there on such a... Polarizing and charged subject. Around the other kid was a number of the pamphlets they were handing out ripped up and tossed on the ground. I can just imagine some of the more.. Colourful.. Language too.. 

So after some consideration, I'm kind of going to answer with a bit of a copout, but also my thoughts as is they mean more than a cup of loon spit. 

My thoughts are that I'm not equipped with the proper plumbing to make any real decisions on abortion. I am a guy. I can't get pregnant. The only time I may even have a sliver of input is if I was with someone who was considering the procedure. And when I say a sliver, I mean a sliver.. Of the decision, I'd say maybe 1% of my thoughts really count to the decision. 

Now.. That alone is probably enough to froth some mouths.. 

However.. I feel if we follow the lead of the US and try to criminalize abortions, we just run the risk of more injury and death when people go through grey or black market means. My other view is that for every person who believes abortion should be illegal they should immediately adopt someone that's in the system that would result from this. 

There are reasons beyond the main talking point of "just get knocked up, get rid of the fetus and move on like nothing happened" 

Cases like rape, or other forced pregnancies. Pregancies where, if carried to term, could irreparably harm either the mother or the resulting baby.. 

The decision is almost never taken lightly. It comes from an act that regardless has a lifelong impact. There would be lifelong impacts regardless of the decision. 

I may be looking at this the wrong way, or maybe not deep enough into the bigger picture, but really unless you're in that situation, all you're dealing with is hypotheticals that can be completely unknown to the average person. 

But that's my thoughts on it.. Take it for the gigantic pinch of salt it's worth. 

Rememberings

 As we all spin on this giant blue-green ball of chaos called Earth, I'm left with time to think. 

I just turned 48 at the beginning of the month. As much as I'd like to say middle age, I'm realistically on the downslope of the hill of life. 

I was born in 1978. The changes and events that have happened both worldwide and to myself personally are things that may never really be experienced again.. I guess until the next technological breakthrough that leads to Star Trek style holodecks and replicators, anyway... 

The old cliche of kids being the parents' remote was true. It was also a time where wood panelling was The wall pattern of choice. I believe it was around the age of 4 my parents picked up an Atari 2600. They played more than I did. Obviously as a toddler/pre-schooler my attention span was sometimes that of an overcaffienated squirrel. I did learn to play some of the games on it and our second console, the ColecoVision. Donkey Kong. Zaxxon (though I sucked at it) River Raid, Pitfall.. Ladybug.. Mousetrap... Carnival... Some of these games I'd love to see make a return. 

I remember when channels would sign off for the night with playing the national anthem. Even to this day, I get an odd feeling when I hear the Canadian Anthem played orchestra style. Wind blowing in the face. Maybe it's part of the imagination I've had but seem to have lost being able to tap into. I remember the first time I saw the opening for Dr Who in the 80s and having the shit scared out of me. The music haunted me. The acid trip style visual in the opening freaked me out. Keep in mind, I was in Kindergarten at the time. I also remember that being the night I randomly stayed up with my mom waiting for my dad to return from his overnight shift. I don't recall why we were up. But we were. 

I remember watching the Challenger explosion. I also remember watching the Calgary Olympics in school. Some of the kids tv shows were weird when we were kids. In Canada, we had things like Polka Dot Door, Today's Special, Telefrancais. In later years Canada had its own version of Seasame Street with Louie the Otter. Now, we're so connected to everything that the only thing we've disconnected from is each other. Sure, we still talk to other people. But... Unless it's part of your job in a service industry, how many willingly talk in person rather than by some electronic means? 

I think I miss the fact that we didn't have to have the world's information at our fingertips. Moreso, the fact that, in getting the world's information, we're also getting information overload. We get a lot of garbage information. And I think it's only going to get worse if we rely on AI too much in the future. 

I remember being a bit of a nomad in my hometown. My parents and I moved 8 times in our small community. I mean the town was 3000 people at its height, so it's not like I had to switch schools or anything. If I did it would just be to go to the Catholic Board rather than the Public Board. I only remember the reason for us moving two times. we moved from a two bedroom bungalow to a larger house when my sister came into the family when my dad got custody of her. We moved to another house because my uncle didn't want to lose the place. They were moving to Thunder Bay for a couple years and it was a rent geared to income place. Well, when they were moving back, we went into an apartment. The other times it just seemed like either my mom or dad found and issue with the house that became unacceptable and we moved. 

I never had a lot of friends when I was younger, but I always had long-term friends. I kept the same three friends from elementary to high school. Two others I met partway through elementary school and still talk to them from time to time. Even now, my best friend who calls me his brother has known me since 1998. In two years it'll be 30 years of friendship. Yes, there were other friends in there.. And people who I didn't consider friends or outright antagonists who ended up being friendly to me as adults. 

That said. In late elementary school and through high school, I was the butt of many jokes. I did have a hairtrigger temper when I was younger. I've since been able to control it to the point where it takes a lot for me to blow up. I'm not sure that's much better, but.. Anyway.. Throughout high school I would get anonymous love notes that were written as jokes. I'd get people calling inviting me for coffee and not showing up. I even had one person call me and, when I picked up, started moaning like they were either fingering themselves or getting fucked.. I hung up the phone. So I guess this would be the foundation of my belief that nobody really wants me. Now, it seems the only people who are interested in me are people far away, or those I pay to be interested.. 

I was in high school from the fall of 1992 until 1998. The 90s in general were a much different beast from the 80s. Music changed, lots of upheaval from the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989.. TV changed. We got a lot of classic shows in the 90s. The 90s was also the start of the major technological shift we had to get to the point we are today. The Internet became part of the public. And while it was indeed a great invention for compiling and dostributing information, it was just as big for porn. I mean, is there a medium porn hasn't been in? 

The one big thing I remember happening was while I was in Sault Ste Marie for High School for one semester. It was around the time Quebec was holding its referendum on whether it would stay or separate from Canada. The vote narrowly lost, but my geography teacher prepared a map with Quebec cut out of the Map of Canada just in case. 

Now, we feel as helpless trying to do some things on the internet that the younger generations find second nature. Kind of like how our parents felt with VCRs. 

In my life so far, we've gone in multiple directions. I think the only thing constant is change. The other constant is that at some point, we feel like the world left us behind. 

St Patrick's Day Musings

 I spent a lot of time awake last night because my mind wouldn't shut off. 

The main thing I was thinking about was A: If God and heaven were real, do dogs go to heaven? 

and B: If I was trying to prove the existence of God, I'd use dogs as the example.. 

Now, I'm not religious. I believe there's something beyond our perception of reality but we're not meant to see it while we live. That being said, if I were trying to argue the existence of God, I'd use dogs as an example. 

Dogs are the purest form of love we have on this planet. They love everyone (except those who abuse them) and trust. If you're their human, the love has the power of 1000 suns. Because of how concentrated and intense their love is, their time on our planet is short. 

How many people have lost a dog and still remember mannerisms or looks years later? 

Honestly, Heaven would not be Heaven without our furry companions waiting for us.. 

We're getting closer to the baseball season. While a fair portion of the country (Canada) is still under snow, the season starts in 10 days. Good thing for domed stadiums. 

Aside from that, nothing else is rattling around in the ol' dome.. 

Snow Days and Bus Cancellations

 Greetings!

This is a topic that shows up every year like clockwork. 

People getting upset when school buses are cancelled and either there wasn't much snow that hit or they don't feel the weather is "dangerous enough" because Canada. 

Now, I took the bus in the 90s when I was in high school. We had a dual campus where I was. They were 14KM apart, so they had buses going in the morning, at lunch, and after school. The lunch bus was due to the possibility of having your classes split between both. (Morning at one, afternoon at the other) 

When I was in school, there weren't many snow days. There were, however, partial snow days in which kids from further out of town wouldn't have their buses running. 

Now, just to explain. 

This is the area that the High Scool I went to covered from Terrace Bay to Pays Plat. So for example, if the roads were closed between Schreiber and Rossport, the kids in Rossport and Pays Plat would have a snow day, but we wouldn't. If the whole road was closed, we'd all be off. 

Now, I can only speak for the bus consortium I drove in, but where I currently live, the span is much larger. Peterborough County. Many back roads, many secondary roads. 

Are they quicker to cancel buses now than when we were kids? Yes.. However... There's things you need to consider that go into those cancellations. Again, I'll use where I drove, Peterborough.. Peterborough City might be ok, but Apsley and the area surrounding could be icy and heavy snowfall. Going towards Lake Ontario could have its own little snow belt that's wreaking havoc. In those areas, there's many dirt roads that are the absolute last priority. 

We just saw recently in Ontario, two instances this week of a bus sliding off the road into the ditch. There were injuries on one of the buses. I'm not sure of the other. 

Now. What's changed? There are many factors, but I'll cover a few of them.. 

One: The way the roads were cleared and the criteria to send out the plows has changed. I'm trying to recall, but I believe the Province was responsible for the removal of snow on the highways. They would be out fairly quickly. Then it got moved to the municipalities, who already did removal for their town/city. Because some of the highway plowing was privatized, the plows are slower to get out. 

Two: Accidents. Now, the 90s being the 90s and the earlier eras being as they were, bus crashes weren't as exposed as they are now with the internet and social media. It doesn't mean accidents didn't happen. I'm sure there were. But to avoid accidents, the consortiums began looking more into forecasts. And while forecasts can be as predictable as a toddler throwing a tantrum, they are better than thinking it's a great day only to be snowed in by noon. 

Third: Everybody is Sue-Happy. I can almost guarantee those parents and people who complain about the number of snow days now will be the first to scream about suing should little Johnny or Tina get injured or worse because of a crash from road conditions. 

Honestly, if your kid was in an accident on the bus that could have been prevented, would you shrug and say "Oh well.. It's Canada" like you snarkily say when the buses are cancelled?