Thoughts of a Lonely Person

 Greetings

Today I want to scream into the void about something that I've been feeling lately.. 

As anyone who knows me or follows my blogs knows, I suffer from depression and anxiety. Sometimes it's manageable, sometimes it's a struggle to get out of bed.. Winter generally makes it even worse. It's the end of October here and already people are hibernating and generally grumpy. That definitely doesn't help.. 

Many times I've been in a room full of people and still feel completely alone. I don't know what it is, but I feel I'm either just different enough to not fit in with people, or more to the point, aside from one or two people, I don't fit in. I'm 48 years old. I've never actually dated anyone, but I've been married and divorced. My ex wife claimed me in University. It was on and off for a while then we got together and ended up married for 7 years before she decided I didn't put enough effort to change to her ideal version of me. I've been single since. That's been close to 15 years now.. 

Now, here's the thing that I'm coming to the conclusion of, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't fit the normal archetype for the group.. 

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm an incel. An incel, for those who don't know is "involuntarily celibate" 

Generally those people are bitter, angry people who have been rejected throughout their life because of their thoughts and attitudes towards women.

Now, I've been rejected throughout my life. Hell, I reject myself so you don't have to. But I'm not bitter or angry about it. I think there would be more if I get more attention after I go through the bariatric surgery, but that's something I'll deal with at that time. Every rejection I've had over my life has just ended up rolling off my back. 

So my question is this: Are you still an incel if you don't fit the archetype? I'd love some feedback on this, but I doubt I'll get any. 

Also, with Halloween being tomorrow, I have to wonder when it became the big deal it is now.. When I was a kid, it was weird crappy costumes, a pumpkin on the doorstep and trick or treating. 

Now, there's all sorts of decorations rivalling Christmas. It seems that a number of people love the day. I don't get it. I stopped taking part when I was in Grade 5.. Am I missing something? Or is it another thing I don't grasp because I tended to be alone? 

I think that's it for now.. 

Ch Ch Ch Changes.....

 Greetings, void.. 

I know my personal life isn't as exciting as my baseball card blog, but it's necessary for me to put this out there. 

Changes are coming up in my life and I'm scared shitless.. I'm looking at bariatric surgery to help me lose weight. I know it's not a magic solution. I have work to put in before, during, and after that will be lifelong. 

There are been two times I've lost any decent amount of weight: when I was in high school, I lost 40-50 pounds by walking for 2 hours a night. I hated how I felt afterwards.. I hated myself, I hated people around me, I hated everything. I did not feel myself.. I resented people who wouldn't give me the time of day suddenly talking to me. I resented the idea that I became "acceptable" because I looked a certain way. 

 I gained the weight back.. And some... 

The last time I lost weight, I was over 500 pounds and I got to just under 400. It was while I was hospitalized recovering from septic shock that resulted from cellulitis. Obviously, hospitalization is not a viable weight loss plan. 

I've cut things out, I've worked on changing portions. I've done well with some of it.. I don't drink full sugar pop too often. And when I do it tastes very syrupy. I've cut out, went gung ho on, reduced, and yoyo-ed on chocolate. It's an Achilles Heel of mine. I am working on it though. 

With bariatric surgery, however, before I have the surgery, I need to start working on changing my eating habits and what I eat. More protein. Some fat.. Some carbs.. Fruits and veg... No caffeine.. No alcohol.. No Carbonation. 

A lot of issues I have with eating fruit and vegetables is that, as one person, I rarely can find things that I want to make with vegetables. And I tend not to finish fruit.. So I'm looking at frozen.. Alcohol being cut out is easy since I only drink one week a year, and it's only a few in that span.. Carbonation is going to be the biggest bitch.. I love fizzy water. 

So these changes I have to make, plus post operation needing vitamin supplements for the rest of my life, are kind of scaring me. I think I can do it, but at the same time, I'm doubting myself. I'm doubting whether I'm strong enough. I'm doubting if I'm truly stubborn enough to be able to change my habits that I'm too stubborn to change in order to better my life and stick with it.. 

Even preparing a grocery list is making me anxious now.. I don't know. I know I'll need help and support.. I know I have at least one person helping me.. I just hope it's enough. 

Trying to Articulate....

 Hello

I have had a lot going through my head lately. I'm actually amazed at how maddening it is trying to articulate what's going on and what I'm feeling. But I'm going to try... 

For most of my life I've never felt like I was good enough. I've always felt like an outsider or that when people talk to me they're just doing so to be nice. I don't know if it's from not being part of the "in group" or what, but it's been almost impossible to get over that feeling of never fitting in. 

I did notice though, that some people who would make fun of me while in the presence of their friends would be nice to me when they're on their own. So I don't know if it was a performance for the friends, or if it was a performance for me.. 

I went through high school without having a date, without kissing a girl, and generally continuing the path of not fitting in. I did have interest in some people, but those people were not interested in me. I was never their type. Or if I did get something that looked like interest, it was a prank. I even had someone phone me to moan into their phone like they were either pleasuring themselves, or was in the act.. 

Because of that, I got real good at rejecting myself. Why would anyone want to be with me?? I was awkward, I was more comfortable spending time at home playing video games than going out and getting drunk. So that was fine.. I left my hometown and went to university..

There I finally had my first kiss.. Other firsts as well.. My only relationship that wasn't online. And even that wasn't "normal" I was claimed.. And they moved into my dorm room. 

I eventually got married. My now ex wife at different times would get on me about my weight. Telling me that all she saw sometimes when she looked at me was fat. How I lied to her about wanting kids (my weight eventually made intercourse impossible) and how she had this idealized view of me in her head that I wasn't fulfilling. 

Since then.. 

I've been alone. I've been interested in people, but either I reject myself so they don't need to, or the interest wasn't mutual.. Anyone who has been interested in me has been either online or a scambot.. 

It's been something like 10 years since I've been kissed. I very rarely get hugs from anyone. I'm a tactile person.. I need contact.. There are things I miss.. There's also things I can't see myself ever doing again. 

Of course, the feeling of not being enough is still there, and maybe even stronger now that I'm on Disability, not really able to work, and for the most part use a wheelchair for mobility. I do walk, but I have issues with balance. 

The craving for touch is strong and constant.. I seriously understand why people go the route of prostitutes or escorts for companionship. Of course, that's too rich for my blood too.. 

I hope this makes sense.. I've been trying to articulate this for close to a year now... 

Deep Thoughts

 Hello reader

I've had some things on my mind on a wide range of topics.. I'm just going to throw them out there so I can get them out of my head.. 

I wonder who the first person was to see the mouth as a viable place to stick their dick in.. I mean if the person wants to, they could bite pretty hard onto it in that position.. 

I mean, yes I've enjoyed it a few times, but it's always in the back of my mind.. 

It is society, or remnants of our survival instinct that causes us to look down on and minimize the poor and disabled? 

I mean before civilization and the increasing comforts felt over time, we were in a constant state of survival.. Diabled people were a larger burden to the whole then.. Now, disabled people still get told to get a job, or find a way of supporting yourself, but there are a number who can't work. 

And those who can, tend to not fit into the asthetics a company wants to project.. I use a wheelchair for mobility. My balance isn't very good anymore since I lost most of the feeling in my right foot. I couldn't stand for hours on end. I also can't bend and lift like I used to. So while it's illegal to discriminate against disabled people, it still happens, but filed under logistics.. 

Poverty is a whole other kettle.. Since we started congregating in cities, poor people have always been around. They've always been looked down on by those with money. Yet, they're also the reason a lot of those with money HAVE money.. 

I see people throwing around words like communist and socialist when discussing government leaders a lot recently. I've heard that our Prime Minister (the last two, anyway) is a tyrannical dictator who constantly lies and is trying to turn us into globalist communists.. Yet, these same people would be jumping all over themselves in joy if the US took us over. 

So they don't want our government to seek other trading partners because our longest standing friendship and trading partner is currently being lead by a psychotic pathological liar.. I don't get it. I'd like to see the governments on both sides of the border get completely overhauled. Throw them all out, get new people in. 

I know this blog gets almost zero readership or engagement, but it's nice to maybe have these things seen by one or two people (and however many bots) 

End of Season

 Greetings!

Wednesday is the last concert for the 39th season of Musicfest. Tonight, before the show, we had a volunteer appreciation thing where we had pizza and each one of us got prizes as a thank you. 

It got me thinking though. From the first day to now, the group of volunteers went from a group of people to almost a group of friends. I've worked with one consistently over the summer, and he was cool. Others were easy to talk to. Some I struggle with.. But that's the same in any group, right? 

I'm saying all this because the end of something always hits me hard. I mean when it's going on there's a lot of relief when the show's over and I get to come home to decompress, even though I also get hit with the lonely feelings as well, but Wednesday is the last show till next summer. 

I don't know why it affects me the way it does. It just does.. I think because I know some of these people I'll never see again. A lot of the volunteers are high school kids getting their volunteer hours to graduate. A few might come back without the weight of getting the hours needed, but you never know.. 

The end of something is always the beginning of something new, but what it is, I don't know. It could be the return to me sitting in my apartment lonely and missing interaction.. It could end up being I find another volunteer opportunity.. Who knows? 

Maybe I'm just sentimental.. Maybe I don't like the ins and outs that come with meeting people just to move on again.. I don't know.. 

A Little More About Me

 Greetings!

I've done some "about Me" posts here before. This is, of course, my non-baseball and therefore, not really cared about topics, blog. 

Recently on a Facebook group I saw a photo of an area in Peterborough that had rail lines in the 70s.. The street is currently a bicycle thoroughfare with limited vehicle access (people do live on the street) 

Human Geography fascinates me.. Human Geography, by the way, is the migration and settlement patterns of people. I find it interesting how a city grows. How the services and the stores change over time. And yes, how public transportation evolved over the years. 

 I first moved to Peterborough in 1998 to go to University and moved permanently in 2002.. When I was first here, we had regular bus service up to a point, then it became "Dial a Bus" where you had to call and let them know where you were to get picked up and where you were going. The routes were basically improv as a result. Then they changed to regular service throughout the evening. As the city grew, they tinkered with timing and routes to improve service and service times. Currently, we have a model that generally works in cities larger than Peterborough, or in cities that are more spread out, like Thunder Bay. 

I'd love to be able to see route maps through the years to see how transit changed in Peterborough. I'd also love to see where commuter rail traveled through the city. I know we used to have Via Rail here, but I was told it stopped in the early 90s. Lack of ridership. That left Greyhound as the way to Toronto, unless you drove to somewhere along the GO Train line. 

Finally about 5-10 years ago we got GO buses serving our area, connecting to the Rail at Oshawa. Now they're talking about high speed rail, (realistically they've been yammering about it for probably 10-15 years) coming through the city, but there's a lot of people pulling the NIMBY card through the planned route for the line. 

That photo stuck in my mind for most of last night.. 

These are the photos I saw that got me thinking (obsessing) about this last night. 

So if anyone sees/reads/cares, what quirky thing fascinates you? 

Almost August Thoughts

 Greetings and salutations. 

I have a few things rattling around in the ol' dome that I want to get out.. 

First, Musicfest has been fun to volunteer at this summer. We still have shows to come until August 19, but it's been fun. I've enjoyed being around people again, even if it sometimes becomes overwhelming. The music hasn't been half bad either. The two I'm really looking forward to are coming up, so we'll see how they are. 

One downside to the volunteering though is it accentuates my loneliness. While I enjoy coming home and decompressing after a shift, it's also hard to come home and see the same four walls I took the volunteering position to excape for a while. 

That leads me to my second point.. There are different levels to loneliness and how we handle those feelings. This bout of loneliness I've been really struggling because it's a loneliness that craves touch.. I don't have anyone that I can ask to cuddle.. Not to mention some of the things that I'm fighting with are a little deeper than that.. The funny thing is, these are the days I get why people spend $1000s on escorts. 

The problem is though, I get irritated easily during these times. I can't handle stupidity at the best of times, but when this is happening even a sideways glance can set me off.. And I don't want to do that. I think that might have been what hit me on Saturday at Musicfest.. I was just so irritated and it bottled up to the point where I just got hit with a ton of bricks and needed to go.. The problem is, I don't know what caused the irritation. 

I've also hit a creative dead end.. I think that's adding to my irritation. I want to do something. I want to do something that, even if it reaches a couple people, reaches someone.. (I mean, yes I technically do this with my blogs, but... It's not the same.. ) The problem is.. I don't know how to start... I don't know what exactly I want to do or how to do it.. I've spent a lot of my time sleeping when I'm not at appointments or volunteering. I just don't know. 

Well, these are my screams into the void. May it reach eyeballls..