Rememberings

 As we all spin on this giant blue-green ball of chaos called Earth, I'm left with time to think. 

I just turned 48 at the beginning of the month. As much as I'd like to say middle age, I'm realistically on the downslope of the hill of life. 

I was born in 1978. The changes and events that have happened both worldwide and to myself personally are things that may never really be experienced again.. I guess until the next technological breakthrough that leads to Star Trek style holodecks and replicators, anyway... 

The old cliche of kids being the parents' remote was true. It was also a time where wood panelling was The wall pattern of choice. I believe it was around the age of 4 my parents picked up an Atari 2600. They played more than I did. Obviously as a toddler/pre-schooler my attention span was sometimes that of an overcaffienated squirrel. I did learn to play some of the games on it and our second console, the ColecoVision. Donkey Kong. Zaxxon (though I sucked at it) River Raid, Pitfall.. Ladybug.. Mousetrap... Carnival... Some of these games I'd love to see make a return. 

I remember when channels would sign off for the night with playing the national anthem. Even to this day, I get an odd feeling when I hear the Canadian Anthem played orchestra style. Wind blowing in the face. Maybe it's part of the imagination I've had but seem to have lost being able to tap into. I remember the first time I saw the opening for Dr Who in the 80s and having the shit scared out of me. The music haunted me. The acid trip style visual in the opening freaked me out. Keep in mind, I was in Kindergarten at the time. I also remember that being the night I randomly stayed up with my mom waiting for my dad to return from his overnight shift. I don't recall why we were up. But we were. 

I remember watching the Challenger explosion. I also remember watching the Calgary Olympics in school. Some of the kids tv shows were weird when we were kids. In Canada, we had things like Polka Dot Door, Today's Special, Telefrancais. In later years Canada had its own version of Seasame Street with Louie the Otter. Now, we're so connected to everything that the only thing we've disconnected from is each other. Sure, we still talk to other people. But... Unless it's part of your job in a service industry, how many willingly talk in person rather than by some electronic means? 

I think I miss the fact that we didn't have to have the world's information at our fingertips. Moreso, the fact that, in getting the world's information, we're also getting information overload. We get a lot of garbage information. And I think it's only going to get worse if we rely on AI too much in the future. 

I remember being a bit of a nomad in my hometown. My parents and I moved 8 times in our small community. I mean the town was 3000 people at its height, so it's not like I had to switch schools or anything. If I did it would just be to go to the Catholic Board rather than the Public Board. I only remember the reason for us moving two times. we moved from a two bedroom bungalow to a larger house when my sister came into the family when my dad got custody of her. We moved to another house because my uncle didn't want to lose the place. They were moving to Thunder Bay for a couple years and it was a rent geared to income place. Well, when they were moving back, we went into an apartment. The other times it just seemed like either my mom or dad found and issue with the house that became unacceptable and we moved. 

I never had a lot of friends when I was younger, but I always had long-term friends. I kept the same three friends from elementary to high school. Two others I met partway through elementary school and still talk to them from time to time. Even now, my best friend who calls me his brother has known me since 1998. In two years it'll be 30 years of friendship. Yes, there were other friends in there.. And people who I didn't consider friends or outright antagonists who ended up being friendly to me as adults. 

That said. In late elementary school and through high school, I was the butt of many jokes. I did have a hairtrigger temper when I was younger. I've since been able to control it to the point where it takes a lot for me to blow up. I'm not sure that's much better, but.. Anyway.. Throughout high school I would get anonymous love notes that were written as jokes. I'd get people calling inviting me for coffee and not showing up. I even had one person call me and, when I picked up, started moaning like they were either fingering themselves or getting fucked.. I hung up the phone. So I guess this would be the foundation of my belief that nobody really wants me. Now, it seems the only people who are interested in me are people far away, or those I pay to be interested.. 

I was in high school from the fall of 1992 until 1998. The 90s in general were a much different beast from the 80s. Music changed, lots of upheaval from the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989.. TV changed. We got a lot of classic shows in the 90s. The 90s was also the start of the major technological shift we had to get to the point we are today. The Internet became part of the public. And while it was indeed a great invention for compiling and dostributing information, it was just as big for porn. I mean, is there a medium porn hasn't been in? 

The one big thing I remember happening was while I was in Sault Ste Marie for High School for one semester. It was around the time Quebec was holding its referendum on whether it would stay or separate from Canada. The vote narrowly lost, but my geography teacher prepared a map with Quebec cut out of the Map of Canada just in case. 

Now, we feel as helpless trying to do some things on the internet that the younger generations find second nature. Kind of like how our parents felt with VCRs. 

In my life so far, we've gone in multiple directions. I think the only thing constant is change. The other constant is that at some point, we feel like the world left us behind. 

St Patrick's Day Musings

 I spent a lot of time awake last night because my mind wouldn't shut off. 

The main thing I was thinking about was A: If God and heaven were real, do dogs go to heaven? 

and B: If I was trying to prove the existence of God, I'd use dogs as the example.. 

Now, I'm not religious. I believe there's something beyond our perception of reality but we're not meant to see it while we live. That being said, if I were trying to argue the existence of God, I'd use dogs as an example. 

Dogs are the purest form of love we have on this planet. They love everyone (except those who abuse them) and trust. If you're their human, the love has the power of 1000 suns. Because of how concentrated and intense their love is, their time on our planet is short. 

How many people have lost a dog and still remember mannerisms or looks years later? 

Honestly, Heaven would not be Heaven without our furry companions waiting for us.. 

We're getting closer to the baseball season. While a fair portion of the country (Canada) is still under snow, the season starts in 10 days. Good thing for domed stadiums. 

Aside from that, nothing else is rattling around in the ol' dome.. 

Snow Days and Bus Cancellations

 Greetings!

This is a topic that shows up every year like clockwork. 

People getting upset when school buses are cancelled and either there wasn't much snow that hit or they don't feel the weather is "dangerous enough" because Canada. 

Now, I took the bus in the 90s when I was in high school. We had a dual campus where I was. They were 14KM apart, so they had buses going in the morning, at lunch, and after school. The lunch bus was due to the possibility of having your classes split between both. (Morning at one, afternoon at the other) 

When I was in school, there weren't many snow days. There were, however, partial snow days in which kids from further out of town wouldn't have their buses running. 

Now, just to explain. 

This is the area that the High Scool I went to covered from Terrace Bay to Pays Plat. So for example, if the roads were closed between Schreiber and Rossport, the kids in Rossport and Pays Plat would have a snow day, but we wouldn't. If the whole road was closed, we'd all be off. 

Now, I can only speak for the bus consortium I drove in, but where I currently live, the span is much larger. Peterborough County. Many back roads, many secondary roads. 

Are they quicker to cancel buses now than when we were kids? Yes.. However... There's things you need to consider that go into those cancellations. Again, I'll use where I drove, Peterborough.. Peterborough City might be ok, but Apsley and the area surrounding could be icy and heavy snowfall. Going towards Lake Ontario could have its own little snow belt that's wreaking havoc. In those areas, there's many dirt roads that are the absolute last priority. 

We just saw recently in Ontario, two instances this week of a bus sliding off the road into the ditch. There were injuries on one of the buses. I'm not sure of the other. 

Now. What's changed? There are many factors, but I'll cover a few of them.. 

One: The way the roads were cleared and the criteria to send out the plows has changed. I'm trying to recall, but I believe the Province was responsible for the removal of snow on the highways. They would be out fairly quickly. Then it got moved to the municipalities, who already did removal for their town/city. Because some of the highway plowing was privatized, the plows are slower to get out. 

Two: Accidents. Now, the 90s being the 90s and the earlier eras being as they were, bus crashes weren't as exposed as they are now with the internet and social media. It doesn't mean accidents didn't happen. I'm sure there were. But to avoid accidents, the consortiums began looking more into forecasts. And while forecasts can be as predictable as a toddler throwing a tantrum, they are better than thinking it's a great day only to be snowed in by noon. 

Third: Everybody is Sue-Happy. I can almost guarantee those parents and people who complain about the number of snow days now will be the first to scream about suing should little Johnny or Tina get injured or worse because of a crash from road conditions. 

Honestly, if your kid was in an accident on the bus that could have been prevented, would you shrug and say "Oh well.. It's Canada" like you snarkily say when the buses are cancelled? 

Songs That Speak To Me

 This topic has been percolating in my brain for a little bit now. I'm not sure how many songs will be here, but for each one, I'll try to explain what it is that gets me. 

War On Drugs - Barenaked Ladies

The first song is one that helped me a lot through my recovery from illness, honestly.. I didn't have an issue with drugs. But some of the other themes in there were prominent. 

They say Jesus and mental health

are just for those who can help themselves. 

What good is that when you live in hell on earth?

For the very fear that makes you want to die

is just the same as what keeps you alive.

It's way more trouble than some suicide is worth

It was a dark time for me. I was laid up in the hospital with an illness that almost killed me. Recovery from that was difficult. There were days I wanted to end it all.. I'm too stubborn to though...

St. Elmo's Fire - John Parr

This song was helpful in the recovery process. After listening to it, I hope you can see why. 

The song helped me push through those days where all I wanted to do is lay in bed and mope. Those days where I didn't want to tackle the stairs or walk the same stretch of hallway yet again.. 

Plus, the man this song was written for, Rick Hansen, used his wheelchair to cross multiple countries to raise awareness for accessibility for disabled persons. Starting in 1985, he went through 34 countries on his tour including wheeling up to the Great Wall of China. 

Better Than You - Moist

I first heard this song and album in University. I really enjoy most of the album, but this one catches me. 

I've had an issue with self-worth and self-esteem for most of my life. Doesn't help being called useless and having multiple jokes played on you in high school. It also doesn't help that the only thing I really know is rejection aside from a couple cases. So the line "everyone is better than you" hits me more than it should. 

I know the perspective is the singer saying this to someone else, but it hits me hard.. 

Better Version - Shinedown

This one gets me because of one point in my life. While I was married, my ex wife seemed to love the ideal version she had of me in her head rather than the human in front of her. More than once, she said to me "When I look at you, all I see is fat" 

So this song, to me, is both a sarcastic reponse to complaints about the person and things they can't really control. 

What I don't need is to concede because I won't be someone else

I am not perfect and I don't claim to be

And if that's what you wanted

Well then I'm so sorry

How about a better version of the way that I am?

How about a better version that makes me understand?

How about a better version of the way that I am?

The way I look, The way I speak,

How about a better version of me?

Shades of Grey - Billy Joel

I've liked this song since I first got the album. This and No Man's Land were my favourites after River of Dreams. 

Now, I've always been a little different. When it comes to social issues or other issues along those lines, I've never been a Black and White person. 

I'm seeing more Black and White thinking nowadays than I ever remember seeing before. You're either with us or against us seems to be the prevailing mentallity now. 

Having the ability to see multiple angles of an issue is tiring and honestly very annoying. I consider all the angles, all the evidence before me and comment. In many cases, what I say will piss someone off. 

Now with the wisdom of years
I try to reason things out
And the only people I fear
Are those who never have doubts
Save us all from arrogant men
And all the causes they're for
I won't be righteous again
I'm not that sure anymore

Some things were perfectly clear
Seen with the vision of youth
No doubts and nothing to fear
I claimed the corner on truth
These days it's harder to say
"I know what I'm fighting for"
My faith is falling away
I'm not that sure anymore

To me, there are many issues now that come to the forefront that are divisive. What was once called compassion and empathy is now called "Woke" Seeing people at each other's throats for reasons like who they vote for, whether or not they got vaccinated, if you don't agree with the idea of "Round 'em all up and send 'em away. If we get some actual citizens in there, OOops" 

To me, I'm the singer's POV. Looking around at chaos and while others see Black and White, I see shades of grey. 

So, the few people who lurk on this blog, what say you? What songs speak to you? 

Christmas Eve

 It;'s Christmas Eve. 

I'm sitting alone in my undecorated apartment feeling lonely and generally forgotten. 

The holidays used to have a magic about them. For mem even while being depressed between Christmas and New Years, it still felt a little magical. I love the feeling of warmth a lit Christmas tree gives in a dark room. 

I miss spending time with family and seeing friends. Since my mom passed away, my dad's moved and is now in a long term care facility. My uncles barely speak to me. My cousins are scattered all over the west, My aunts aside from my dad's sister are dead. 

I tolerated going to my in-laws when I was married, even though I felt constantly and deeply judged. Judged for the amount of food I ate, judged for what I did or didn't do. Judged for just existing. The final time before we got divorced I stayed home. To me staying home was better than spending almost two weeks in a place I felt uncomfortable. 

It's hard today because it doesn't feel like Christmas. It feels like Wednesday. I know people will be spending time with their families and friends, while people like me who have nobody will be alone. 

That loneliness is made even worse when you're craving the touch of someone. A hug. A cuddle.. The funny thing is, I kind of understand why some people look at and go down the escort route. Now, I don't have the money to even think of doing that. If I had that kind of money I can think of a few other uses for it. 

Dating apps suck. I hate putting myself out there in random places, especially since one of the considerations for me is whether or not the place is actually accessible. 

So as I said in my card blog.. Check on your friends. Check on the ones who are alone. This is a stressful time of year at the best of times, but severely depressing and otherwise hard to get through. 

I battle with the whole idea of "would anyone really miss me if I was gone?" at the best of times. When it comes to Christmas time, I almost wish something like "It's a Wonderful Life" could actually happen to show how people's lives would be impacted or completely unchanged if I was not here. 

So again, Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays, Joyeux Noel, blah blah blah. 

December

Greetings and salutations. 

December.. Generally a not that great month for me. Sometimes downright horrid. This year it's middle of the road so far. A lot of stress, a lot of trying to figure things out, but oddly enough a greater feeling of creativity and wanting to do something other than doomscrolling and sleeping. 

So those who know me know I have issues with December and Christmas-New Years. I have for a long time, but it got worse after my mom passed away and later, my divorce. 

When I was younger, I always hated the "Year in Review" shows that would play basically everywhere for everything. It was a yearly reminder that time is moving on. Those moments are now only memories that will fade over time. New Years Eve was always an odd time for me as well. In my teens, my mom would have friends over to play Rummoli. I would either stay in the basement after getting some goodies and watch TV or have a couple friends over and watch something. Later on, I once volunteered as a DD at a Legion dance to make sure people got home safe.. The Police even set up a RIDE check (for those not in Ontario, it's basically the police setting up stations on the road to stop and ensure people aren't driving drunk) 

I will admit it's weird when one of the people you drive home that night is someone you had a secret crush on but never said anything because you felt so out of their league. 

My mom passed away December 20, 2006.. I got the call the morning of the 20th that my mom was being taken off life support. I immediately called into work saying I couldn't work that day. My boss understood. Just so I wasn't going stir crazy at home, my then-fiance and I went to the book store and around noon, I felt the need to check our messages. Got the call my mom passed. 

That year was also the first year Mac's decided they needed to stay open 24 hours. Prior to that, Christmas Day they would open typically from 9-6, then go back to 24 hours Boxing Day. I ended up having to work overnights both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. That was not fun. 

Other years while I was married, I spent time with my wife's family. I always felt out of place and judged. They would complain about the amount of food I ate and other really stupid complaints. For example: I'm in an area I don't know and they complain I'm following my wife like a lost puppy. So, the last year we were married, she went to her parents' place by herself. I stayed home. Being alone was better than being so completely uncomfortable that I couldn't function properly. 

Now, don't get me wrong.. There have been some good things to happen around Christmas for me. The year my mom died, one of the customers near the store brought in a tin of cookies and other squares for me. It solidified a friendship that has kind of fallen to the wayside now. Another two times were while I was working at Century Transportation. We had Christmas parties two years while I was there. Both times I was the music provider. 

The first year, I stuck around right to the end. A coworker that I had a crush on gave me a hug and stood in front of me smiling. I wanted to kiss her so badly, but I held off because she was drunk and I was completely sober. I sometimes kick myself for that but I also didn't want to be accused of taking advantage. A DD brought the group home to their individual houses. I was the first dropped off.

The other time I had something good happen was I suppose the manager decided that one of the employees should have something nice done for them. That year it seemed to be me. One of the dispatchers brought me a whole turkey dinner feast she made for me. I was floored.  

Really the only other time I felt almost cared for or even seen was while I was recovering from my battle with cellulitis that went septic. The time I was in the hospital for a year and a half. I got some gifts there. 

Since I've been out of the hospital, I've been living alone. I don't see many people. I don't do anything. Winter is horrible for people in wheelchairs (I am ambulatory, but balance is an issue for me) I want to meet someone. However, between my wheelchair use, my being on disability, my being overweight, and my feeling that I'm just a few levels below dirt, I'm overlooked and invisible. 

So really, I don't know what I can do to make things different for me. I don't have space or the want to do things like put up a tree or decorate. I can only keep interacting on things like Facebook dating and hope someone decides to answer. Otherwise, I don't see much change in the future for me. I know some of the issue is my opinion of myself. I don't feel I'm worthy of love. But the big thing fuelling my depression and feelings of low self is that major void. I miss being hugged. I miss being cuddled. I miss being kissed and kissing. I've never cared much for sex, so I don't really miss that. It's hard to explain I think. 

Today is another night where I could not sleep at all. It's 5am. I've been up since noon.. I've had things running through my head all night, so I hope writing this will at least make some of the stuff go away. 

National Anthem Stupidity

 Tonight, being Halloween, and also Game 6 of the World Series between the Blue Jays and Dodgers has people here in Canada riled up and talking about how horrible the anthem performances were in Los Angeles. 

I didn't really catch much of them, honestly. I did catch Rufus Wainright sounding like he was just mumbling the French portion. (Hint: If you're not sure of those words, don't sing 'em) 

Others complained about the "our home on Native Land" line. The actual line is Home and Native Land. 

And thirdly, and something that people have been bitching about since it happened, was returning the line "in all of us command" to the anthem, replacing "in all thy sons command" 

A little History:

The original lyrics for O Canada came up in 1880. The song was a result of being commissioned to write a song for a Royal Visit. 

The original English Lyrics came to be in 1908. They are not a direct translation of the French Lyrics. 

English lyrics by Robert Stanley Weir

O Canada! Our home and native land!
True patriot love thou dost in us command.
We see thee rising fair, dear land,
The True North, strong and free;
And stand on guard, O Canada,
We stand on guard for thee.


(Refrain)
O Canada! O Canada!
O Canada! We stand on guard for thee,
O Canada! We stand on guard for thee.


O Canada! Where pines and maples grow,
Great prairies spread and lordly rivers flow,
How dear to us thy broad domain,
From East to Western sea!
Thou land of hope for all who toil!
Thou True North, strong and free!


(Refrain)


O Canada! Beneath thy shining skies
May stalwart sons and gentle maidens rise,
To keep thee steadfast through the years
From East to Western sea,
Our own beloved native land,
Our True North, strong and free!


(Refrain)


Ruler Supreme, Who hearest humble prayer,
Hold our dominion within Thy loving care.
Help us to find, O God, in Thee
A lasting, rich reward,
As waiting for the Better Day,
We ever stand on guard.


(Refrain)

Now of course, we only sing the first line for the anthem. Can you imagine how long it'd drag out to do the whole thing? 

French lyrics by Sir Adolphe-Basile Routhier

O Canada! Terre de nos aïeux,
Ton front est ceint de fleurons glorieux!
Car ton bras sait porter l’épée,
Il sait porter la croix!


Ton histoire est une épopée
Des plus brillants exploits.
Et ta valeur, de foi trempée,


Protégera nos foyers et nos droits,
Protégera nos foyers et nos droits.


Sous l’oeil de Dieu, près du fleuve géant,
Le Canadien grandit en espérant.
Il est né d’une race fière,
Béni fut son berceau:
Le ciel a marqué sa carrière
Dans ce monde nouveau.
Toujours guidé par sa lumière,
Il gardera l’honneur de son drapeau,
Il gardera l’honneur de son drapeau.


De son patron, précurseur du vrai Dieu,
Il porte au front l’auréole de feu.
Ennemi de la tyrannie
Mais plein de loyauté.
Il veut garder dans l’harmonie,
Sa fière liberté;
Et par l’effort de son génie,
Sur notre sol asseoir la vérité,
Sur notre sol asseoir la vérité.


Amour sacré du trône et de l’autel,
Remplis nos coeurs de ton souffle immortel!
Parmi les races étrangères,
Notre guide est la loi;
Sachons être un peuple de frères,
Sous le joug de la foi.
Et répétons, comme nos pères,
Le cri vainqueur: “Pour le Christ et le roi,”
Le cri vainqueur: “Pour le Christ et le roi.”

 These are the French Lyrics. I'll post the translation below. 

O Canada! Land of our ancestors,
Your brow is crowned with glorious laurels!
For your arm knows how to wield the sword,
It knows how to bear the cross!


Your history is an epic
Of the most brilliant exploits.
And your valor, tempered by faith,


Will protect our homes and our rights,
Will protect our homes and our rights.


Under God's eye, near the mighty river,
The Canadian grows up in hope.
He is born of a proud race,
Blessed was his cradle:
Heaven has marked his path
In this new world.
Always guided by its light,
He will keep the honor of his flag,
He will keep the honor of his flag.


From his patron, precursor of the true God,
He wears on his brow the halo of fire.
Enemy of tyranny
But full of loyalty.
He wants to keep in harmony,
His proud liberty;
And by the effort of his genius,
To establish truth on our soil,
To establish truth on our soil.


Sacred love of throne and altar,
fill our hearts with your immortal breath!
Among foreign races,
our guide is the law;
let us be a people of brothers,
under the yoke of faith.
And let us repeat, like our fathers,
the victorious cry: “For Christ and the King,”
the victorious cry: “For Christ and the King.”

So, in 1913, the line "True Patriot Love in thou dost us command" was changed to "True Patriot Love in all thy sons command" 

It stayed that way from 1913 until the 2000s, when it was changed to "True patriot love in all of us command" 

Well, this change got people all in a lather. Blaming Justin Trudeau because his government had the audacity to touch the anthem, and they say it was for "woke bullshit purposes" 

They're still angry about Trudeau changing the anthem. Some say it makes us sound less serious as a country. In fact one such person is arguing with me on the Twitmachine. 

I honestly think it's a case of Trudeau Derangement though. Considering he's still calling JT a pussy and blaming him for everything.. Blah blah blah.

Anyway. This has been on my mind and just wanted to get it out.