A New Direction

I think with the way my head has been the last couple months, I might start using this space again as a stream of consciousness style thing.. 

Maybe just to get people to understand where my head is on certain days. 

I've had a near constant anxiety attack now for a week.. It started at our Halloween potluck for work. 

The trigger? Asking a coworker I have a crush on to take a picture with me. In the picture and for the rest of the party, my face is beet red. 

When I was younger, that used to happen whenever I was around someone I liked. I hadn't had that problem in over 20 years. Until then... 

Different things kept giving me anxiety, including a lot of thoughts about asking said coworker to dinner sometime. 

I ended up asking on Friday. I didn't get a yes, but I didn't get a no.. When I said it doesn't have to be a date, but as friends, she said maybe, and gave perfectly reasonable explanations on the considerations. 

However, the irrational part of my head latched onto this (and it would have regardless of the answer) and said "Maybe isn't a yes... There's still time for this to go bad.. etc etc etc.."

Now I should also mention why my head goes this direction regardless... When I was younger, I was the butt of jokes when it came to anything, really. I was generally a loner. I spent time with 5 people and that was about it. Rarely left the house aside for school or to see one of those 5 people. I would have people write saying they wanted to meet me but never show, or write someone else's name on it, stuff like that. 

So that's what my brain latches onto. 

Now, if she said a definite yes, my thoughts would have been something along the lines of "I'll believe it when she's sitting across from me" and if it was a definite no, I would have basically expected that and been done with it. 

Afterward, I started questioning why I asked. Was it a smart move? Why did I put myself through that? Did I just make things weird between us? 

I talked to her again Monday.. After scraing the crap out of her because she didn't expect me to be standing behind her.. (I move quietly for a man my size) and she said to me "I know it's easier said than done, but relax!!" 

I've been trying... My brain won't shut off.. 

Fast forward to today.. I should mention.. I'm a driver for a living. Between my times driving, I'm generally around the office. Well, today, I was helping deal with some stuff that came up as part of an event we're planning for the company. I started getting an anxiety attack.. To the point where I had to go hide in my vehicle. 

I can't deal with this much longer. I'm on a waiting list for counseling. I also have another appointment with my health care professional at the end of the month. But I don't know if I can do it much more right now. 

So yeah... That's what's on in my head right now. It's not a very fun place to be..