I'm tired..
Tired of feeling like I'm worthless. Feeling like I'm not good enough. Feeling like I deserve all the shit I deal with on a daily basis. Feeling like I deserve the spot in life where I can't afford the basic fucking necessities to live.
I'm still recovering both physically and mentally from a near death experience due to illness. I'm physically unable to return to my previous job that I really loved. I worry about looking for a new job, because of my current limitations. I can't stand for hours on end like I used to. I can't walk fast or run if need be. Some days I need my walker. Some days I may need my wheelchair. I still deal with the possibility of infections in my legs. This will be a condition I'll deal with likely for the rest of my life. I worry about going into a job interview, them seeing my walker/chair and immediately deciding against hiring me.
I'm tired of needing to beg and borrow money from friends just to survive the month. Services like food banks aren't accessible to people with mobility issues here in Peterborough. In order for me to actually be able to use the services, I'd need someone to go for me. That is one of the many supports I need that fall out of the range of the PSWs in the building I live in.
We're coming up to winter. I need a new winter coat because my old one is gone. I don't know where it is. Even if I did know where it is, the zipper has been broken on it for three years now. I'm not even sure if my foot will fit my boots.
I'm tired of worrying so much about how I'm going to feed/clothe/keep myself with basic needs that I can't do anything fun for myself. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of feeling like I'm forgotten. I'm tired of worrying about if my friends think I'm only contacting them when I need something.
I'm tired of the bullshit going on in the world. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of being stuck. I'm to the point that I'm beginning to wonder if I'm such a horrible person nobody wants to be around me. I'm beginning to wonder if that's why I'm always the one reaching out to friends, rather than them being busy. They just don't want to deal with me..
I'm just tired... Tired of living the way I am. Because this sure as fuck isn't living...
I don't know how things are in Canada, but here in the States a lot of places have volunteer groups that help people who have issues with mobility; whether it's bringing them things, or driving them places. Even here in rural TN, pretty much every church has members who are willing to help with such things. People always say how liberal Canada is, and if that's the case, one would think that there would be plenty of similar programs there as well? As far as work goes, have you thought about trying to take any online classes (there's lots of free ones out there) to learn a new "trade"? If you have any knowledge of computers, there's obviously lots of options available to folks these days, many of which allow people to stay at home and work. None of this will help with the loneliness though, unfortunately I don't have any solutions for that, if I did, I'd probably try and use them myself. I don't know if it would do any good, but if you ever need a semi-random person to talk to, you can always reach me via the Twitter, or an email.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few community groups that volunteer help, but usually it's things like rides to places. One of the things I would need help with is accessing food banks. Each space uses stairs, creating a mobility barrier.
DeleteRural TN... My dad's in TN. Not sure how rural Cookeville is..
We have a couple parties that like to help people in need. The Liberals and the New Democratic Party. The Conservatives are notorious for cutting funding to education, healthcare, and pretty much any service that would benefit people in need. Starting at the end of this month we get a $50 raise on our ODSP payments.
I've been thinking about going back to school. There are second career options here, but a lot of them are training for trades, which won't really help me much. Since I can't go back to driving a school bus, I might be able to go take accounting to get a degree that actually means something.
Small world. I'm about 45-50 minutes away from downtown Cookeville. Most of that town/city is developed, but the outer skirts would still be considered rural.
DeleteAs for the food banks, I've never heard of, or seen, one that was in a multi-floored building before. I can't imagine that employees or volunteers would enjoy lugging bushels of produce or boxes of canned good up multiple flights of stairs. Are you not allowed to have someone go and act as your agent? If not, they're really limiting who they can and can't help by using such buildings; and that kind of defeats the purpose of even having a food bank.
I'm not sure. And even so the PSWs where I live don't offer that as an option. They'll go grocery shopping for you but not this.
DeleteI agree. The idea should be to be as accessible as possible.