Trying to Articulate....

 Hello

I have had a lot going through my head lately. I'm actually amazed at how maddening it is trying to articulate what's going on and what I'm feeling. But I'm going to try... 

For most of my life I've never felt like I was good enough. I've always felt like an outsider or that when people talk to me they're just doing so to be nice. I don't know if it's from not being part of the "in group" or what, but it's been almost impossible to get over that feeling of never fitting in. 

I did notice though, that some people who would make fun of me while in the presence of their friends would be nice to me when they're on their own. So I don't know if it was a performance for the friends, or if it was a performance for me.. 

I went through high school without having a date, without kissing a girl, and generally continuing the path of not fitting in. I did have interest in some people, but those people were not interested in me. I was never their type. Or if I did get something that looked like interest, it was a prank. I even had someone phone me to moan into their phone like they were either pleasuring themselves, or was in the act.. 

Because of that, I got real good at rejecting myself. Why would anyone want to be with me?? I was awkward, I was more comfortable spending time at home playing video games than going out and getting drunk. So that was fine.. I left my hometown and went to university..

There I finally had my first kiss.. Other firsts as well.. My only relationship that wasn't online. And even that wasn't "normal" I was claimed.. And they moved into my dorm room. 

I eventually got married. My now ex wife at different times would get on me about my weight. Telling me that all she saw sometimes when she looked at me was fat. How I lied to her about wanting kids (my weight eventually made intercourse impossible) and how she had this idealized view of me in her head that I wasn't fulfilling. 

Since then.. 

I've been alone. I've been interested in people, but either I reject myself so they don't need to, or the interest wasn't mutual.. Anyone who has been interested in me has been either online or a scambot.. 

It's been something like 10 years since I've been kissed. I very rarely get hugs from anyone. I'm a tactile person.. I need contact.. There are things I miss.. There's also things I can't see myself ever doing again. 

Of course, the feeling of not being enough is still there, and maybe even stronger now that I'm on Disability, not really able to work, and for the most part use a wheelchair for mobility. I do walk, but I have issues with balance. 

The craving for touch is strong and constant.. I seriously understand why people go the route of prostitutes or escorts for companionship. Of course, that's too rich for my blood too.. 

I hope this makes sense.. I've been trying to articulate this for close to a year now...