Hello!
I've been sitting on this for a while, mainly trying to articulate it aside from *flails wildly*
Things have been happening for me lately. I feel that it's good for the most part, but it's still an unfamiliar feeling. I'm looking into bariatric surgery. Just waiting for my appointment for bloodwork and an EKG..
I'm volunteering twice a week at a free concert series here in Peterborough called Peterborough Musicfest. So far we've had Gowan, The Good Lovelies, Lighthouse, and Sass Jordan perform. We got rained out on Canada Day. It's nice seeing different people and feeling somewhat useful again, even for a couple hours.
Recently we had Karaoke as an activity in our building. I sang a few songs without hesitating. That's not normal for me. I'm generally shy..
So now, I'm sitting here after the Lighthouse show, winding down after being around people for 5 hours and I'm feeling a mix of emotions. One is relief. I made it through another shift, another show.. One is sadness. I kind of want to see some of the people I volunteer with but don't get the chance to. I also start thinking on the way home about coming home and wanting to sleep for the next day.
The other thing that I've been feeling lately is honestly, one of either waiting for the other shoe to drop or that something big is going to happen. What it is, I don't know.
Anyone who has dealt with a lifetime of anxiety and depression knows the first feeling well. As for the shoe dropping feeling, we tend to anticipate something going sideways.. "Things are going *too* well right now..."
As for the feeling of something big.. I don't know. It could be something comes out of my volunteering where I can maybe get work. Or maybe they ask me to come back next summer. Or it could be something completely different that affects me but isn't directly on me..
I have ideas of things I'd love to do, but honestly, I don't know the first thing about going about any of it. So I write. So I stagnate. So I try to get out of the rut I've been in for a decade but can't get out regardless of what steps I do take. But I know this isn't the rest of my life. I know I have talents. I know I can be valuable in the right conditions. It's finding and unlocking that's the issue..
