Thoughts of a Lonely Person

 Greetings

Today I want to scream into the void about something that I've been feeling lately.. 

As anyone who knows me or follows my blogs knows, I suffer from depression and anxiety. Sometimes it's manageable, sometimes it's a struggle to get out of bed.. Winter generally makes it even worse. It's the end of October here and already people are hibernating and generally grumpy. That definitely doesn't help.. 

Many times I've been in a room full of people and still feel completely alone. I don't know what it is, but I feel I'm either just different enough to not fit in with people, or more to the point, aside from one or two people, I don't fit in. I'm 48 years old. I've never actually dated anyone, but I've been married and divorced. My ex wife claimed me in University. It was on and off for a while then we got together and ended up married for 7 years before she decided I didn't put enough effort to change to her ideal version of me. I've been single since. That's been close to 15 years now.. 

Now, here's the thing that I'm coming to the conclusion of, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't fit the normal archetype for the group.. 

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm an incel. An incel, for those who don't know is "involuntarily celibate" 

Generally those people are bitter, angry people who have been rejected throughout their life because of their thoughts and attitudes towards women.

Now, I've been rejected throughout my life. Hell, I reject myself so you don't have to. But I'm not bitter or angry about it. I think there would be more if I get more attention after I go through the bariatric surgery, but that's something I'll deal with at that time. Every rejection I've had over my life has just ended up rolling off my back. 

So my question is this: Are you still an incel if you don't fit the archetype? I'd love some feedback on this, but I doubt I'll get any. 

Also, with Halloween being tomorrow, I have to wonder when it became the big deal it is now.. When I was a kid, it was weird crappy costumes, a pumpkin on the doorstep and trick or treating. 

Now, there's all sorts of decorations rivalling Christmas. It seems that a number of people love the day. I don't get it. I stopped taking part when I was in Grade 5.. Am I missing something? Or is it another thing I don't grasp because I tended to be alone? 

I think that's it for now.. 

Ch Ch Ch Changes.....

 Greetings, void.. 

I know my personal life isn't as exciting as my baseball card blog, but it's necessary for me to put this out there. 

Changes are coming up in my life and I'm scared shitless.. I'm looking at bariatric surgery to help me lose weight. I know it's not a magic solution. I have work to put in before, during, and after that will be lifelong. 

There are been two times I've lost any decent amount of weight: when I was in high school, I lost 40-50 pounds by walking for 2 hours a night. I hated how I felt afterwards.. I hated myself, I hated people around me, I hated everything. I did not feel myself.. I resented people who wouldn't give me the time of day suddenly talking to me. I resented the idea that I became "acceptable" because I looked a certain way. 

 I gained the weight back.. And some... 

The last time I lost weight, I was over 500 pounds and I got to just under 400. It was while I was hospitalized recovering from septic shock that resulted from cellulitis. Obviously, hospitalization is not a viable weight loss plan. 

I've cut things out, I've worked on changing portions. I've done well with some of it.. I don't drink full sugar pop too often. And when I do it tastes very syrupy. I've cut out, went gung ho on, reduced, and yoyo-ed on chocolate. It's an Achilles Heel of mine. I am working on it though. 

With bariatric surgery, however, before I have the surgery, I need to start working on changing my eating habits and what I eat. More protein. Some fat.. Some carbs.. Fruits and veg... No caffeine.. No alcohol.. No Carbonation. 

A lot of issues I have with eating fruit and vegetables is that, as one person, I rarely can find things that I want to make with vegetables. And I tend not to finish fruit.. So I'm looking at frozen.. Alcohol being cut out is easy since I only drink one week a year, and it's only a few in that span.. Carbonation is going to be the biggest bitch.. I love fizzy water. 

So these changes I have to make, plus post operation needing vitamin supplements for the rest of my life, are kind of scaring me. I think I can do it, but at the same time, I'm doubting myself. I'm doubting whether I'm strong enough. I'm doubting if I'm truly stubborn enough to be able to change my habits that I'm too stubborn to change in order to better my life and stick with it.. 

Even preparing a grocery list is making me anxious now.. I don't know. I know I'll need help and support.. I know I have at least one person helping me.. I just hope it's enough.