Thoughts of a Lonely Person

 Greetings

Today I want to scream into the void about something that I've been feeling lately.. 

As anyone who knows me or follows my blogs knows, I suffer from depression and anxiety. Sometimes it's manageable, sometimes it's a struggle to get out of bed.. Winter generally makes it even worse. It's the end of October here and already people are hibernating and generally grumpy. That definitely doesn't help.. 

Many times I've been in a room full of people and still feel completely alone. I don't know what it is, but I feel I'm either just different enough to not fit in with people, or more to the point, aside from one or two people, I don't fit in. I'm 48 years old. I've never actually dated anyone, but I've been married and divorced. My ex wife claimed me in University. It was on and off for a while then we got together and ended up married for 7 years before she decided I didn't put enough effort to change to her ideal version of me. I've been single since. That's been close to 15 years now.. 

Now, here's the thing that I'm coming to the conclusion of, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't fit the normal archetype for the group.. 

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm an incel. An incel, for those who don't know is "involuntarily celibate" 

Generally those people are bitter, angry people who have been rejected throughout their life because of their thoughts and attitudes towards women.

Now, I've been rejected throughout my life. Hell, I reject myself so you don't have to. But I'm not bitter or angry about it. I think there would be more if I get more attention after I go through the bariatric surgery, but that's something I'll deal with at that time. Every rejection I've had over my life has just ended up rolling off my back. 

So my question is this: Are you still an incel if you don't fit the archetype? I'd love some feedback on this, but I doubt I'll get any. 

Also, with Halloween being tomorrow, I have to wonder when it became the big deal it is now.. When I was a kid, it was weird crappy costumes, a pumpkin on the doorstep and trick or treating. 

Now, there's all sorts of decorations rivalling Christmas. It seems that a number of people love the day. I don't get it. I stopped taking part when I was in Grade 5.. Am I missing something? Or is it another thing I don't grasp because I tended to be alone? 

I think that's it for now..