As you can probably guess from the title, and the fact that I started this at 4:40am, I'm having a night where sleep is but a dream..
While I do have some opinion posts planned, I need to do a little bit of legwork on them before I write. So today, I want to continue my attempt of not being as negative on here with a post of things I'm grateful for.
I'm grateful for my innate stubbornness.. It's a blessing and a curse to be honest. While it did get me through the near death illness and the recovery process to the point of getting out of the hospital, it also got me sick enough that hospitalization was needed.
I know the talk about wanting to die for a while was probably an uncomfortable topic, but it was a stuggle I needed help with. Yes, I was and still am seeing mental health professionals, but sometimes you need friends too.. Someone who isn't paid to say things like "People would miss you"
That talk was a way of asking for assistance through the trying times.
There's also this poster that I have saved on my phone..
So really, those posts are me asking for a stick.. Dear readers, the messages of concern you've sent are those sticks.
So all that sappy stuff tangent said... I'm grateful for you.. Yes, you.. Points to you directly You and points elsewhere you and everyone else.
I'm grateful to be in a housing situation where I can get the help I need.
I'm grateful for my sense of humour. I repeatedly said while recovering in the hospital that if I lost my sense of humour, that was the time to truly worry.. That would be the point where I gave up..
I'm grateful for those who have helped with needs while I'm struggling in poverty.
That's about all I can think of off the top of my head.
Wherever you are, whatever may be going on, remember...
You matter
If I may be so crass.... You're the reason someone masturbates today...
I'm feeling oddly good today.. Though part of it is also feeling antsy. But anyway.
I've been in a deep hole for a while and I know it's been rather negative around here lately. I wanted to do something different today and bring up some of my favourite songs.
Straw Hat and Old Dirty Hank by Barenaked Ladies
I don't know what it is about this song, but I've loved it since I first heard it on Born on a Pirate Ship.
No Man's Land - Billy Joel
This is the opening song of the River of Dreams album. To me it speaks of the isolation in urbanization, if that makes any sense. The River of Dreams album is one of my favourites overall.
Twilight in Hell - Lillian Axe
That opening riff..
Voyager II - Virginia Coalition
I found this group on MySpace (remember THAT place??) years ago.. I have a few favourites from them, though one doesn't seem to have any representation on YouTube..
I love the melodies and the energy their songs have. That and the stories..
Other songs I love of theirs are Spare Change, The River, Green and Grey...
Tell Me Why - Genesis
This is another one I've always just loved the message of. And really... The message in this seems to be timeless...
Never is Enough - Barenaked Ladies
I remember the first time I heard this song. It was still when it was in a demo stage. I got into the song right away.
Walking Through Walls - Escape Club
I don't know what it is.. I just loved this song from the first time I heard it.
The Last Saskatchewan Pirate - Captain Tractor
Now.. There are two groups that originally did this song. The Arrogant Worms, and Captain Tractor. I like both versions, but this one is above the Worms.. This is just a fun song all around.
Shades of Grey - Billy Joel
Another song off the River of Dreams album. This song spoke to me when I was young. The album came out in my Grade 9 year. I think I've always known things aren't black and white.. Sometimes we just don't see, or have the mesans to articulate, the nuances...
Intermittently - Barenaked Ladies
This was off Maybe You Should Drive. MYSD is one of my all time favourite albums. I don't skip songs on it when I listen to it.
These Apples - Barenaked Ladies
Another song off Maybe You Should Drive. I love the guitar and for some reason, the little solo from 2:20-2:30 reminds me of the original Railroad Tycoon.
There were a couple songs I had written down that I couldn't find on YouTube. I mentioned Spare Change by Virginia Coalition earlier. Another one is I Will Not Go Quietly by Don Henley.
Thursdays I get help with housekeeping in my apartment. I'm in an independent living place, but with assistance. I get help with showering three times a week, housekeeping once a week, and other things as needed. For example, I can't put my shoes on by myself, so I need help with them. It's one thing that keeps me from ever really traveling.. Well aside from the complete lack of money.
Well, today was the first time in two weeks I had housekeeping. They were short staffed last week so it was canceled. I was able to do some things like get a bag of garbage out.. I also was able to somewhat keep up on dishes, but this week I was so on edge I'd stand and within a couple minutes I was shaking. So I had a pile this week.
When they come do my housekeeping, they normally sweep/mop my floors, gather garbages, and clean my toilet. Today they did that plus my dishes. Wonderful! But at the same time, I had one of the PSWs complaining about how dirty the seat was. Actually having to move his arm and elbow is more than light housekeeping to him, apparently. Complained about empty boxes being on the floor. Again said "Light housekeeping, this is just laziness, man...."
That set me off... Now.. When I get pissed off, I get really quiet.. I internalize it. My main reason for writing this tonight is to be able to get it out of my head enough to actually be able to sleep tonight.
This PSW that complained today is the only one that complains. I like the guy otherwise, but I think I might need to ask if I can not have him come up here..
As is I've been dealing with loneliness, depression and a general lack of worth. After this interaction, I had a feeling of a noose around my neck for 5 hours. I still feel like I have hands around my neck..
This weekend has been rather odd.. I've been on edgem restless, and generally off all weekend. Right now I feel like every nerve is on alert. I've tried spending time outside since it's been nice. I've watched videos to try to calm myself down. Nothing's working. I can't focus. I can't get back from this edge.
It's rather annoying since I'd like to be able to relax some. I'd like to be able to not have everything feel like I'm ready to crawl out of my skin.
All at once, I want to run around, scream, cry, pull my hair out, and things I haven't been able to even pin down in my head. My shoulder's been sore lately. My wrist has been sore. I feel like I have a noose around my neck.
I've been dealing with wanting to be around people while simultaneously not wanting to be around people. There are things I want to do that involve other people, but those things involve consent and interest by the other person.
It's a very tough place to be in. I imagine I'm not the only one dealing with these sensations and feelings. I just wonder, dear reader, how do you get past it? I've been like this for a few days now and it's driving me insane.
