A Dangerous Rabbit Hole

 Currently one of my main sources of entertainment is YouTube. Well, for some reason, lately I've had the algorithm offering me more content that I'm on the fence about. 

Apparently, I've started falling down the MGTOW rabbit hole and I'm not sure I like it.. It's been described as an anti-woman, misogynistic movement. 

It started when I found a channel that advocates for men's rights. IE: Not losing half their things in a divorce, being driven to poverty/suicide, etc.. Now I'm getting recommended videos on guys laughing at single mothers and women who would cheat on their significant other for no reason other than they can. One that really upset me was a comment about a woman who is in the adult industry that also streams on Twitch broke her back jumping into a badly-made foam pit at Twitchcon.. They felt she deserved this and that it was hilarious.. 

Now.. I agree that in some areas, we are treated as ATMs or are judged on things we can't control. However, I don't agree that a person loses value based on their history or profession. I agree in equal opportunity

The reason this is a dangerous rabbit hole for me is this: I've never had many positive interactions with women. Between being made fun of repeatedly in high school, being claimed in University, a rather toxic marriage, and just generally being awkward and intimidated by women, navigating everything is a major challenge. 

I can say I'm 44 years old, married and divorced, but never had an actual date.. I don't know what to do.. I have no self confidence when it comes to interacting with women on that level because I've never had experience in interacting with women on that level.. 

Anyone who has shown they cared or even pretended to care lives/lived so far away from me it doesn't really help or count. So I find myself thinking that I could very well go into the mindset that I will be alone forever. 

I don't know where I really am trying to go with all this.. I don't want to fall into that rabbit hole too deeply. I feel we all have value. It just might be too late for me to really show my value or gain the confidence to let that value show.. 

An Update

 So I wanted to give an update on my health. I have a rather large spot on my left leg that opened up. It started as a small water blister but the skin kept peeling off. It takes up most of my shin. My leg is rather painful right now. It has been treated with Inadine, an Iodine patch, gauze, and Tubigrip, a stocking. 

Well, the wound seeped through the gauze and Tubigrip. Plus the Inadine would stick to the wound. This means any time I moved, it hurt, and sometimes would cause my leg to bleed.. My leg bled through the Tubigrip at one point. Now, I'm being treated with Bactine, a different product to promote healing, an absorbent pad, and gauze wrapped around the leg. Still using Tubigrip. My leg still throbs.. Sometimes to the point where I can't sleep. 

This of course affects my mental health as well. Between being discouraged about the wound on my leg, plus the pain and lack of sleep, I've been alternatin g between feeling very angry or just completely numb and apathetic. 

Reading about people whining about a War on Christmas because the Eaton Centre isn't putting their one year old tree up due to construction has the mental gymnasts believing it's the beginning of trying to erase Christmas. 

Well.. Here's a few things to consider.. 

1. The Eaton Centre is undergoing renovations, including the roof.. They decided not to put out their brand new tree (that they purchased and used ONCE) because of this. I don't know if it's that they're working where the tree would go, or if the area is being used for things displaced as a result of construction.. But the fact remains they wouldn't pay money for a tree to use once then never again. 

2. There is no "War on Christmas" There are many holidays during the month of December. Retailers, in a bid to appeal to as many shoppers as possible, and to include as many holidays as possible, will use slightly more inclusionary language. However, if you say Merry Christmas to someone, they will likely reply in kind. I know it may be hard to believe, but Christianity isn't the only thing in the world. Hell, Christmas trees and Jesus have nothing to do with each other aside from the Church coopting Pagan festivals in order to convert people.. 

3. And this is the point I can't stress enough.... Why would retailers wage a war on Christmas WHEN THEY DEPEND ON THE CHRISTMAS SEASON TO MAKE MOST OF THEIR PROFITS!!!??? I mean think about it.. Black Friday is called that for a Reason. It's not the deals.. It's because from that point forward, the retailers usually make their profit FOR THE YEAR from then till Christmas. 

Of course, a couple other things are bothering me right now as well. The hopelessness of the situation I find myself in with ODSP, the seeming never-ending battle with my legs, coming to the realization that I push myself when I work because that's the only time I ever feel I belong, evenn when I don't. I have some friends who care about me and have helped me, but I feel I'm either a burden to them or that I will somehow push my luck.. 

I don't know if many people know or remember from back home, but I never felt I belonged anywhere aside from with the little group of Scott, Paul, and Yoan. I was made the butt of jokes by more than a few people. Sending letters to me saying someone was interested in me.. Saying they wanted to meet for coffee only to have it not be true.. I think the icing on the cake was someone pretending to either masturbate or whatever over the phone.. I'm not going to name names on that one... 

One thing it taught me was to be very weary of people. I'll admit the worst part of anything was the time I lost weight and people who wouldn't give me the time of day would start talking to me.. 

It also ended up causing me to be in a rather toxic relationship. Now.. I'm 44 years old, divorced. Still have no clue how to talk to someone, and weary of showing any interest in someone because anyone I show interest in isn't interested in me. Which is fine.. I ask. I get turned down. I leave it alone. Or... I reject myself so you don't have to... 

I think I've rambled enough tonight. It's almost 3am.. Comment if you want.. Or don't.. I dunno... 

ODSP Rates

 As you've read through this series, I'm on ODSP.. It's a struggle. I have a chronic leg condition (cellulitis) my ankle and right foot lack feeling and complete strength and motion, plus I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia. 

As mentioned, I got onto ODSP when I was in the hospital. I was helped with the application by the social worker I was working with. 

Now.. While I was in the hospital, I wasn't paying rent anywhere since I was waiting for an apartment in rent geared to income. I received that in May. Moved in June 1.. 

That left me with $672 for the month. Out of that, I had to pay my phone bill, which is two lines. My friend has the other line and he gives me money for it, except when he was without income while looking after his father. I would usually buy some snacks and have them delivered because really... Hospital food isn't enough to eat.. I would be out of money by the second half of the month. 

Then.... I moved.... 

I'm in an apartment that's rent geared to income and I have a subsidy. I pay the shelter allowance of $497, and the remainder of the $795 I pay is covered by the subsidy. Obviously if I make money things get messed up but that's to be expected. 

More often than not... I'm out of money by mid month. Now that I'm in my own place, I need to pay my phone bill, internet bill, food.. Bank fees... So by the 17th I'm out of money more often than not. 

I'm not proud to say I've had to beg and borrow off friends. I HATE doing that.. I feel like such a burden and I don't want them to get the idea I only talk to them when I want something.. I've also made an Amazon wishlist. Most of it is grocery items like Kraft Dinner (Mac and Cheese for you south of the border) tuna, Fibre 1 bars and peanut butter. I had a follower on Twitter graciously send me a bunch of stuff from it. 

I'm tempted to put a couple things on for Christmas but I doubt anything will come of it. I don't expect anything to.

This is my list...

There has been some debate and other goings on with the Provincial Government to bring awareness to the living conditions. A group of MPPs went on the "Social Assistance Diet" for two weeks to bring awareness to the lack of funding people with disabilities get. 

Just recently, it was brought to motion to double ODSP and OW rates (Ontario Disability Support Program and Ontario Works.. Basically our Welfare) and the motion was predictably shot down by the Conservative Party. You know, while they get $150K-220K a year, we're receiving under $10K 

The Conservative Party has repeatedly shown they don't care about the people unless they can line their pockets or have some benefit from them. This Provincial Government has been fighting Nurses, Teachers, and pretty well any other group looking to get better pay and better conditions for the people they deal with. 

Do I see anything changing with a different Government? Unfortunately no.. The only two parties that have shown any interest in helping are the parties who will never sniff the chair of leadership, nevermind sit in it.. 

It's very discouraging to be in this situation. I'm one of the lucky ones. Under the right circumstances I can get employment.. There are some who can't work. They are left in the cold. 

I know this blog doesn't have much engagement. I know I'm screaming into the void. But sometimes you need to scream into the void in order to keep yourself sane..