Ch Ch Ch Changes.....

 Greetings, void.. 

I know my personal life isn't as exciting as my baseball card blog, but it's necessary for me to put this out there. 

Changes are coming up in my life and I'm scared shitless.. I'm looking at bariatric surgery to help me lose weight. I know it's not a magic solution. I have work to put in before, during, and after that will be lifelong. 

There are been two times I've lost any decent amount of weight: when I was in high school, I lost 40-50 pounds by walking for 2 hours a night. I hated how I felt afterwards.. I hated myself, I hated people around me, I hated everything. I did not feel myself.. I resented people who wouldn't give me the time of day suddenly talking to me. I resented the idea that I became "acceptable" because I looked a certain way. 

 I gained the weight back.. And some... 

The last time I lost weight, I was over 500 pounds and I got to just under 400. It was while I was hospitalized recovering from septic shock that resulted from cellulitis. Obviously, hospitalization is not a viable weight loss plan. 

I've cut things out, I've worked on changing portions. I've done well with some of it.. I don't drink full sugar pop too often. And when I do it tastes very syrupy. I've cut out, went gung ho on, reduced, and yoyo-ed on chocolate. It's an Achilles Heel of mine. I am working on it though. 

With bariatric surgery, however, before I have the surgery, I need to start working on changing my eating habits and what I eat. More protein. Some fat.. Some carbs.. Fruits and veg... No caffeine.. No alcohol.. No Carbonation. 

A lot of issues I have with eating fruit and vegetables is that, as one person, I rarely can find things that I want to make with vegetables. And I tend not to finish fruit.. So I'm looking at frozen.. Alcohol being cut out is easy since I only drink one week a year, and it's only a few in that span.. Carbonation is going to be the biggest bitch.. I love fizzy water. 

So these changes I have to make, plus post operation needing vitamin supplements for the rest of my life, are kind of scaring me. I think I can do it, but at the same time, I'm doubting myself. I'm doubting whether I'm strong enough. I'm doubting if I'm truly stubborn enough to be able to change my habits that I'm too stubborn to change in order to better my life and stick with it.. 

Even preparing a grocery list is making me anxious now.. I don't know. I know I'll need help and support.. I know I have at least one person helping me.. I just hope it's enough.