Hospital Thoughts

 Hello all

I'm in the hospital again. My PICC line got infected and started to come out. 

I'm currently fine. Waiting for whatever course of action they want (aside from a catheter.. Big Hell No)

11 and hungry. Not sure about ordering something since I doubt I'd get it. I don't have my chair to go to Tim's. So I guess I wait.

I've been having issues with anxiety where I am in the hospital. I don't understand why.

I may know some factors.. I'm in a bed not rated for my weight. I'm over the limit for the bed. Nobody seems to care. It's tough for me to get out of this bed and I hear the hydraulics struggle.. 

The torture chair has returned. Back in 2021 I was in with my septic shock etc.. There was a chair for larger people they put me in. Well before I was ready to be put in it. I couldn't sit up. They left me in the chair for an hour. 

Once I got the pressure ulcer on my rear end it made sitting in that chair worse. It actively pressed against the wound. 

The other thing is: one antibiotic I'm on reacts with my antidepressants so I haven't had them. 

So I don't know. 

Mid Month Update

 It's the middle of April. We have power back after the outages. Had it since the first. Our elevator works in theory but in practice sounds like it wants to quit at any time. I'm not chancing it till it's fixed. There are others like that here too.. 

But I want to talk about something else. Maybe this is part of my depression, I don't know.. But most of this week so far I have not had the want to eat. I'll be hungry, but it won't ignite that "Hey, maybe I should make/get/eat Food" instinct that comes with the territory. For a couple days I was very dizzy, short of breath and alternating between cold and hot. I know it's not a bug unless it's something that is transmitted by not being around many people. 

Really since Sunday I've eaten spaghetti, a couple chocolate bars, a couple burgers, and fries and popcorn chicken. Supper was two bottles of Ensure. I have some meatballs in the oven because I'm hungry and forcing myself to eat. 

Drinking has been even more difficult. I don't have that thirst that comes normally right now. I almost have to consciously remind myself to drink something. 

Now, the reason I wonder if this is part of my depression is this: For the last few weeks I've been feeling completely and utterly stuck. Frustrated. I can't articulate the feeling, but it's just feeling like it's bubbling closer to the surface and I'd explode. Explode as what I don't know. Anger? Crying? Wanting to harm myself? I don't know. And that scares me, dear reader.. 

Now, I know this blog doesn't see nearly the eyes of my main blog, but my hope is that someone who might have an idea can maybe let me know. 

Also, use this as a reminder to check in on your friends. I know our lives are busy. It takes 5 seconds to text "Hey.. You ok?" 

Power Outages

 Over the past weekend most of Ontario was hit with an ice storm and lost power. I found something interesting. 

Storms can bring people together to help out but they can also get people at each others' throats. I have a theory on that. 

For the helping, in circumstances like losing power for multiple days, you find people checking in on others and trying to help each other meet basic needs (food, water, etc) On the flip side, the stress from the outage and the major disruption to routine has people getting agitated, making them more likely to argue or just get angry with others. 

I think we're a naturally social creature and in times of emergency (My city was under a state of emergency) we seek out community and help where we can.. The stress of the situation also causes people to be more agitated or just unable to deal with things that normally wouldn't be a problem. In those times, we're more sensitive of what others say or do. 

I feel that a lot of this is just random thought. I hope it makes sense. 

I Feel Like the Asshole

 Hello

The title of the post refers to all those Reddit "Am I The Asshole?" posts.. 

I feel I'm justified, but at the same time, I also feel like I'm not.. 

So enough beating around the bush.. 

I've been feeling lonely, forgotten, and generally unappreciated by my friends for a long time. I understand they have lives of their own, things going on etc etc etc.. I friend's post on FB irked me when they complained about people and her wanting to spend time with her granddaughter.

I didn't reply directly but I did post something saying how I feel I'm done with people. I reach out to everyone and either get zero response, or I'll get a couple token responses then back to the Forgotten Realm for me.. 

Part of this is why I feel I wouldn't be missed if I was gone. Why I feel people wouldn't notice. I'm not noticed now, how the fuck would they know or care that I was gone when they don't care now??

It pisses me off because it really only takes a couple seconds to send a text or a message saying "Hey.. How are ya?" or "Thinking about you" (even if you haven't had me cross your mind in 5 years) I put that energy out, I reach and try to get engagement, but I get nothing.. 

I would hate to be in a situation where I feel I have no reason to live, believe the world would be better off without me, and have a plan to rid the world of me, hoping that even one person would reach out to me and hear complete silence. 

So yes, I feel like the Asshole here. I feel I'm making demands or even requests that people can't keep.. But at the same time, I feel like the wrestling heel who, when explaining his dastardly actions, feels completely justified in his actions to the point of making the crowd believe it.. (Drew McIntyre and Kevin Owens are masters of this) 

So I'll scream this into the void. If people read it, great.. If people reply, great.. If it's ignored, it's par for the course.  

More of the Same

 On Thursday we had an election in Ontario. It was a snap election called a month ago by our Premier Doug Ford.

People were hoping for change. People were hoping people were fed up enough to go speak with their votes.. 

It didn't happen... 

Doug Ford won... Again... Third Majority Government in a row.. 

The guy who's spent the last two terms fighting healthcare and cutting it past the bare bones, schools, teachers, school bus operators, people with disabilities, and really anyone who isn't a rich guy or developer buddy of his was voted in for a third term. 

It's frustrating.. Especially since he was given his mandate by 42% of the 5,023,587 people who voted. There are 11,065,813 registered voters in Ontario. (more than just the main parties got votes)

Province-Wide Unofficial Election Results

8,073 of 8,079 polls reporting

Political Party	Number of Seats Won or Leading	Number of votes	Percentage of votes
PC Party of Ontario	80	2,158,452	42.97%
Ontario NDP/NPD	27	931,796	18.55%
Ontario Liberal Party	14	1,504,688	29.95%
Green Party of Ontario GPO	2	242,822	4.83%
INDEPENDENT	1	54,278	1.08%
New Blue Party	0	80,245	1.60%
Ontario Party	0	26,262	0.52%
Libertarian	0	7,684	0.15%
None of the Above Direct Democracy Party	0	4,731	0.09%
Communist	0	2,294	0.05%
Ontario Moderate Party	0	2,181	0.04%
CPO	0	1,610	0.03%
Freedom Party of Ontario	0	1,379	0.03%
Stop the New Sex-Ed Agenda	0	1,353	0.03%
Populist Ontario	0	706	0.01%
Alliance	0	648	0.01%
Northern Ontario Party	0	641	0.01%
Progress Party Ontario	0	598	0.01%
CCP	0	582	0.01%
Party for People with Special Needs	0	397	0.01%
Electoral Reform Party	0	240	0.00%

Sorry for the change in fonts here.. 

Anyway, as you can see, these were all the parties who got votes in the election. The voter numbers are all there.. 

Ultimately, 67% of the people decided to sit this election out. Now, it does state these are still unofficial numbers. Things may change slightly. But really, not enough to matter..

It's frustrating because there are many groups who feel invisible. Some of the party leaders were stating their intent to help people with disabilities and other issues that slip through.. Of course, we wouldn't hold our breath regardless of winner.. 

I think part of it is voter apathy and part is voter stupidity.. For some reason, I feel like I heard someone asking if this was the election to get rid of Trudeau... Others apparently were going to try to vote for Trump.. 

I just know that nothing's going to change.. We're apparently going to get a tunnel nobody needs or wants under the 401.. (That'll be fun when there's flooding in Toronto....) At least we got cheap booze and the ability to buy it at the convenience store.. *eyeroll* 

I don't know.. I just don't know... 

Video Games and Thoughts

 I wanted to get something different out there today. Just for the fact that I'm in a dark place mentally. Halfway through the month and I'm putting a call out for help with groceries. I hate to do so, but the alternative is to not eat, since trying to get outside with a wheelchair is less than ideal right now. 

Anyway, I've been thinking about video games and a couple ideas I'd love to see revisited, hopefully with improvements. 

The first idea would be an update/reboot of the Legends of Wrestling series from the PS2 era. Now, I know Ack! Lame! (Acclaim) is no longer publishing, so we might luck out and get someone useful. Hell, I'd even be happy with 2K doing it. 

Basically, you'd see legends that aren't always covered in games. If it's put out by WWE, since they own the catalogues for so many places, you might be able to draw from a number of places. (we'll still never see Owen Hart in a WWE game) 

Drawing guys like Sammartino, Warrior, Demolition, LOD, Maybe the Midnight Express.. Slaughter, Zbyszko, Hall, Nash, Bundy, Andre, Piper, Orton, etc.. Have arenas and TV presentation from the 80s style. Have a create a wrestler so you can create your own legend, or create legends we know we'll never see.. I think it'd be a cool idea. 

The other idea is similar to an idea from a game I played in the NES era. Legends of the Diamond had 30 playable batters and 6 pitchers. 

Just think with the current technology you could have full teams of legends (I know they would need to license the individual players once retired unless they're in the HOF) 

I mean for example, for the Jays you could have 

Devon White or Lloyd Moseby in CF

Carlos Delgado or John Olerud or Willie Upshaw at 1B

Pat Borders or Ernie Whitt at C

My first thought for second may be a tough one based on his... Extracurricular activities that caused him to have his number unretired by the Jays.. 

Tony Fernandez or Alex Gonzalez at SS

etc..

Pitching: 
Dave Stieb

Jim Clancy

Jimmy Key

Roy Halladay

Ton Henke

...

Now I know some teams would be harder to fill out cough cough Marlins... Rockies cough cough..

but I feel the idea is really cool. Classic stadiums.. For once actually see Exhibition Stadium rendered in a game... lol

Some teams that had stays in multiple cities might even have multiple teams. I don't know. Have a Philadelphia A's team, a KC A's team and an Oakland A's team.. Same with the Braves. Might be fun. Might be impossible to do.. I don't know. 

Anyway..

I have a lot on my mind and I'm hoping that being able to write some of it out will get rid of it. These game idas have been bouncing around for a while. 

I mentioned about worrying about groceries. It's a constant thing. Disability support sucks. And the thing that sucks worse is the morons who just say "Well, you could just work" Have you thought there might be a reason the person is on disability?? I know two people in my building with Cerebral Palsy. Neither of them can do much of anything with their hands.. What work would they be able to do? There's a difference between the people who are on Welfare and the people on Disability. 

I got my tax information in. Last year I received $16K for the year. Doesn't that sound like easy street?? sarcasm

I'm getting now the same amount I made 10-15 years ago working full time. 

Anyway, I hope this finds everyone well. Have a wonderful rest of the month.