This May be Triggering....

 Today I want to talk about something that may be triggering to some people. If it is, I understand if you click away after you find out I want to talk about suicidal thoughts and the role they've played in my life the last few years...

Ok....

Honestly, the first time I had any sort of thoughts about not wanting to be here anymore was as a teenager.. My parents would call me useless, then in the next breath ask me to do stuff.. There were days I'd bury my face in a pillow.. Obviously, trying to suffocate yourself that way doesn't work.. I was pretty decent after that.

After a while of just plowing through everything just to survive, I got married and divorced. I finally found a job again after being unemployed for four years. 

Then one day while I was driving my school bus route, it happened.. I was sitting at a corner, making sure it was clear for me to go when I had a very vivid image in my head. Almost movie like... It was of me finishing my route, going home, and grabbing a steak knife from the drawer and slitting my wrists. 

I told the dispatcher when I got back, because it scared me. We talked for a while and I just said that all I felt was either anger or sadness. I got into counseling and was taken off the road for a bit. 

Then COVID hit.. And then my legs got cellulitis again.. And just kept getting worse.. As mentioned before, I was told I was 12 hours from death when I went into emerg.. I found out later the homecare nurse was debating not coming to my house that day. 

While I was in the hospital, I wanted to die. I was in so much pain. I didn't see myself getting better. I did though. And while I did deal with a few times of wanting to either wrap the call bell cord around my neck or use the incredibly dull scissors to cut myself, I didn't.. 

Most recently, while I was taking the pills I take at night before I go to bed, I had another mental flash. This one was taking a bottle of either my heart medication, or my blood thinner, and just downing the entire bottle. 

I don't know what the heart med would do.. But I do know that if my blood gets too thin, it doesn't carry oxygen. I also know that a stiff breeze would cause me to bleed and likely bleed out. 

I'm mentioning all this because I want you to know that thoughts don't have to turn into actions. Also, you're not alone. It may feel like it, but you're not. 

Motivation

 Or lack thereof...

After being sick for a few days I'm feeling better in that respect, but I got zero sleep last night. I laid in bed and just thought.. Browsed a few things. Played a game of baseball on the Switch.. But generally laid there and did nothing....

And this morning I didn't want to get out of bed. Not because I was finally getting sleep.. No.. I didn't want to get out of bed because it was too much effort.. 

Many things take effort.. In some respects, I feel I put more effort into something than I get in reward.

In a month that already sucks for my mental health overall, I have things running through my head that just remind me exactly where I am..

Where am I, you ask? Those who know me know that I'm divorced. I was hospitalized for a year and a half and was basically on my deathbed going into the hospital. I came out of the hospital with new friends and optimism... A new place to live....

Then life slapped reality into me hard.. 

Month after month after month of being unable to afford basic things like food halfway through the month, being in a place where, if I'm being honest, I wouldn't associate with most of the people if I wasn't living in the same general vicinity.. Everyone warning me about everyone else leads me to believe nobody is worth trusting here, aside from the one person I know from before.. 

As a result, I barely leave my apartment.. That, coupled with the lack of money and lack of accessible resources, I have no reason to leave the apartment. That feeds into my loneliness and depression.  

I hear you asking "Why don't you reach out to friends?"

Ahh.. You think I haven't? I have a friend who I text every so often to say hi and see how they're doing and I might get a response 3-4 days later.. If at all.. Other friends that were reliable to get ahold of I haven't been able to reach in two months.. I have friends who say they'll keep in touch and completely flake out. 

It's one thing to reach out. It's another thing to feel ignored and forgotten by those who you reach out to, because the communication tends to go one direction.  

Then of course... Christmas.. 

Now.. I've always gotten depressed around this time of year.. Even as a kid. I couldn't explain it then, but I think I can articulate it better now. The end of the year no matter how arbitrary certain Twitter scientists like to remind us the year and the calendar is.... Has a sense of "finality" to it. You just finished writing a book of 365 chapters. One for every day of your year. It's hard to look back and feel like you're treading water, then.. When looking back at the same point next year, being in the same spot, now you feel in a rut, but you have no clue how to get yourself out of that rut..... It becomes depressing. And I mean when you're young, there's little real thought or control you have.. You pass a grade in school. You learned new things. Had new experiences, etc.. 

But then you get older.. The mundane routine of life keeps you stuck in that rut by wearing you down to the point where you can't escape because you don't have the energy.. The story's the same, the only thing changing is the length of time on the planet. It's hard to break out of that.. Today, for example, it took all my energy to simply get out of bed... I went to the bathroom, stood up after doing my business.. And Just stood there like I was frozen. I had zero drive to do a single thing, really at that point, not even existing. Now obviously, doing anything to cease my existence would (A) Cause this blog post to not be written and (B) Be too much effort to expend. But I digress...

The point about Christmas time I was trying to make was this: Everyone wants the Hallmark Christmas. Most people end up with the Griswold Christmas. Some people end up with December 25 because nobody notices or seems to care about their existence. It took being hospitalized to actually feel like someone gave a shit about me at Christmas.  This year I'll be back to being alone, unable to afford anything because after rent, Internet, phone, and groceries.... I'm still left with two weeks of the month and no money.

This boils down to disability being unable to meet basic needs, nevermind provide anything else. Now, I'm not saying I want to be able to have enough to pay my bills and then say, go out and get an XBox Series X and 3 games.. I'm saying I want to have enough that say... If I need to say... I dunno.. Buy a shirt because every single one I have has holes in them, I can do it without thinking about how many days I have to have water as a meal.. I want to be able to replace underwear that is so holy it could run for Papacy if need be. I want to be able to actually afford a Goddamned Bus Pass without thinking how many days I need to skip meals in order to do it.. 

NOBODY SHOULD LIVE LIKE THIS.. 

But we do.. And it's worse at Christmas. This is the time of year where we feel completely invisible.. 

If you have a friend who you haven't heard from in a while, say hi.. If you know someone who is struggling.. Reach out to them.. If you can spare a couple cans of food or a couple boxes of KD or whatever. 

You  never know.. That slight action might just save a life..