Trying to Articulate....

 Hello

I have had a lot going through my head lately. I'm actually amazed at how maddening it is trying to articulate what's going on and what I'm feeling. But I'm going to try... 

For most of my life I've never felt like I was good enough. I've always felt like an outsider or that when people talk to me they're just doing so to be nice. I don't know if it's from not being part of the "in group" or what, but it's been almost impossible to get over that feeling of never fitting in. 

I did notice though, that some people who would make fun of me while in the presence of their friends would be nice to me when they're on their own. So I don't know if it was a performance for the friends, or if it was a performance for me.. 

I went through high school without having a date, without kissing a girl, and generally continuing the path of not fitting in. I did have interest in some people, but those people were not interested in me. I was never their type. Or if I did get something that looked like interest, it was a prank. I even had someone phone me to moan into their phone like they were either pleasuring themselves, or was in the act.. 

Because of that, I got real good at rejecting myself. Why would anyone want to be with me?? I was awkward, I was more comfortable spending time at home playing video games than going out and getting drunk. So that was fine.. I left my hometown and went to university..

There I finally had my first kiss.. Other firsts as well.. My only relationship that wasn't online. And even that wasn't "normal" I was claimed.. And they moved into my dorm room. 

I eventually got married. My now ex wife at different times would get on me about my weight. Telling me that all she saw sometimes when she looked at me was fat. How I lied to her about wanting kids (my weight eventually made intercourse impossible) and how she had this idealized view of me in her head that I wasn't fulfilling. 

Since then.. 

I've been alone. I've been interested in people, but either I reject myself so they don't need to, or the interest wasn't mutual.. Anyone who has been interested in me has been either online or a scambot.. 

It's been something like 10 years since I've been kissed. I very rarely get hugs from anyone. I'm a tactile person.. I need contact.. There are things I miss.. There's also things I can't see myself ever doing again. 

Of course, the feeling of not being enough is still there, and maybe even stronger now that I'm on Disability, not really able to work, and for the most part use a wheelchair for mobility. I do walk, but I have issues with balance. 

The craving for touch is strong and constant.. I seriously understand why people go the route of prostitutes or escorts for companionship. Of course, that's too rich for my blood too.. 

I hope this makes sense.. I've been trying to articulate this for close to a year now... 

Deep Thoughts

 Hello reader

I've had some things on my mind on a wide range of topics.. I'm just going to throw them out there so I can get them out of my head.. 

I wonder who the first person was to see the mouth as a viable place to stick their dick in.. I mean if the person wants to, they could bite pretty hard onto it in that position.. 

I mean, yes I've enjoyed it a few times, but it's always in the back of my mind.. 

It is society, or remnants of our survival instinct that causes us to look down on and minimize the poor and disabled? 

I mean before civilization and the increasing comforts felt over time, we were in a constant state of survival.. Diabled people were a larger burden to the whole then.. Now, disabled people still get told to get a job, or find a way of supporting yourself, but there are a number who can't work. 

And those who can, tend to not fit into the asthetics a company wants to project.. I use a wheelchair for mobility. My balance isn't very good anymore since I lost most of the feeling in my right foot. I couldn't stand for hours on end. I also can't bend and lift like I used to. So while it's illegal to discriminate against disabled people, it still happens, but filed under logistics.. 

Poverty is a whole other kettle.. Since we started congregating in cities, poor people have always been around. They've always been looked down on by those with money. Yet, they're also the reason a lot of those with money HAVE money.. 

I see people throwing around words like communist and socialist when discussing government leaders a lot recently. I've heard that our Prime Minister (the last two, anyway) is a tyrannical dictator who constantly lies and is trying to turn us into globalist communists.. Yet, these same people would be jumping all over themselves in joy if the US took us over. 

So they don't want our government to seek other trading partners because our longest standing friendship and trading partner is currently being lead by a psychotic pathological liar.. I don't get it. I'd like to see the governments on both sides of the border get completely overhauled. Throw them all out, get new people in. 

I know this blog gets almost zero readership or engagement, but it's nice to maybe have these things seen by one or two people (and however many bots) 

End of Season

 Greetings!

Wednesday is the last concert for the 39th season of Musicfest. Tonight, before the show, we had a volunteer appreciation thing where we had pizza and each one of us got prizes as a thank you. 

It got me thinking though. From the first day to now, the group of volunteers went from a group of people to almost a group of friends. I've worked with one consistently over the summer, and he was cool. Others were easy to talk to. Some I struggle with.. But that's the same in any group, right? 

I'm saying all this because the end of something always hits me hard. I mean when it's going on there's a lot of relief when the show's over and I get to come home to decompress, even though I also get hit with the lonely feelings as well, but Wednesday is the last show till next summer. 

I don't know why it affects me the way it does. It just does.. I think because I know some of these people I'll never see again. A lot of the volunteers are high school kids getting their volunteer hours to graduate. A few might come back without the weight of getting the hours needed, but you never know.. 

The end of something is always the beginning of something new, but what it is, I don't know. It could be the return to me sitting in my apartment lonely and missing interaction.. It could end up being I find another volunteer opportunity.. Who knows? 

Maybe I'm just sentimental.. Maybe I don't like the ins and outs that come with meeting people just to move on again.. I don't know.. 

A Little More About Me

 Greetings!

I've done some "about Me" posts here before. This is, of course, my non-baseball and therefore, not really cared about topics, blog. 

Recently on a Facebook group I saw a photo of an area in Peterborough that had rail lines in the 70s.. The street is currently a bicycle thoroughfare with limited vehicle access (people do live on the street) 

Human Geography fascinates me.. Human Geography, by the way, is the migration and settlement patterns of people. I find it interesting how a city grows. How the services and the stores change over time. And yes, how public transportation evolved over the years. 

 I first moved to Peterborough in 1998 to go to University and moved permanently in 2002.. When I was first here, we had regular bus service up to a point, then it became "Dial a Bus" where you had to call and let them know where you were to get picked up and where you were going. The routes were basically improv as a result. Then they changed to regular service throughout the evening. As the city grew, they tinkered with timing and routes to improve service and service times. Currently, we have a model that generally works in cities larger than Peterborough, or in cities that are more spread out, like Thunder Bay. 

I'd love to be able to see route maps through the years to see how transit changed in Peterborough. I'd also love to see where commuter rail traveled through the city. I know we used to have Via Rail here, but I was told it stopped in the early 90s. Lack of ridership. That left Greyhound as the way to Toronto, unless you drove to somewhere along the GO Train line. 

Finally about 5-10 years ago we got GO buses serving our area, connecting to the Rail at Oshawa. Now they're talking about high speed rail, (realistically they've been yammering about it for probably 10-15 years) coming through the city, but there's a lot of people pulling the NIMBY card through the planned route for the line. 

That photo stuck in my mind for most of last night.. 

These are the photos I saw that got me thinking (obsessing) about this last night. 

So if anyone sees/reads/cares, what quirky thing fascinates you? 

Almost August Thoughts

 Greetings and salutations. 

I have a few things rattling around in the ol' dome that I want to get out.. 

First, Musicfest has been fun to volunteer at this summer. We still have shows to come until August 19, but it's been fun. I've enjoyed being around people again, even if it sometimes becomes overwhelming. The music hasn't been half bad either. The two I'm really looking forward to are coming up, so we'll see how they are. 

One downside to the volunteering though is it accentuates my loneliness. While I enjoy coming home and decompressing after a shift, it's also hard to come home and see the same four walls I took the volunteering position to excape for a while. 

That leads me to my second point.. There are different levels to loneliness and how we handle those feelings. This bout of loneliness I've been really struggling because it's a loneliness that craves touch.. I don't have anyone that I can ask to cuddle.. Not to mention some of the things that I'm fighting with are a little deeper than that.. The funny thing is, these are the days I get why people spend $1000s on escorts. 

The problem is though, I get irritated easily during these times. I can't handle stupidity at the best of times, but when this is happening even a sideways glance can set me off.. And I don't want to do that. I think that might have been what hit me on Saturday at Musicfest.. I was just so irritated and it bottled up to the point where I just got hit with a ton of bricks and needed to go.. The problem is, I don't know what caused the irritation. 

I've also hit a creative dead end.. I think that's adding to my irritation. I want to do something. I want to do something that, even if it reaches a couple people, reaches someone.. (I mean, yes I technically do this with my blogs, but... It's not the same.. ) The problem is.. I don't know how to start... I don't know what exactly I want to do or how to do it.. I've spent a lot of my time sleeping when I'm not at appointments or volunteering. I just don't know. 

Well, these are my screams into the void. May it reach eyeballls.. 

Summer Thoughts

 Hello!

I've been sitting on this for a while, mainly trying to articulate it aside from *flails wildly* 

Things have been happening for me lately. I feel that it's good for the most part, but it's still an unfamiliar feeling. I'm looking into bariatric surgery. Just waiting for my appointment for bloodwork and an EKG.. 

I'm volunteering twice a week at a free concert series here in Peterborough called Peterborough Musicfest. So far we've had Gowan, The Good Lovelies, Lighthouse, and Sass Jordan perform. We got rained out on Canada Day. It's nice seeing different people and feeling somewhat useful again, even for a couple hours. 

Recently we had Karaoke as an activity in our building. I sang a few songs without hesitating. That's not normal for me. I'm generally shy.. 

So now, I'm sitting here after the Lighthouse show, winding down after being around people for 5 hours and I'm feeling a mix of emotions. One is relief. I made it through another shift, another show.. One is sadness. I kind of want to see some of the people I volunteer with but don't get the chance to. I also start thinking on the way home about coming home and wanting to sleep for the next day. 

The other thing that I've been feeling lately is honestly, one of either waiting for the other shoe to drop or that something big is going to happen. What it is, I don't know. 

Anyone who has dealt with a lifetime of anxiety and depression knows the first feeling well. As for the shoe dropping feeling, we tend to anticipate something going sideways.. "Things are going *too* well right now..."

As for the feeling of something big.. I don't know. It could be something comes out of my volunteering where I can maybe get work. Or maybe they ask me to come back next summer. Or it could be something completely different that affects me but isn't directly on me.. 

I have ideas of things I'd love to do, but honestly, I don't know the first thing about going about any of it. So I write. So I stagnate. So I try to get out of the rut I've been in for a decade but can't get out regardless of what steps I do take. But I know this isn't the rest of my life. I know I have talents. I know I can be valuable in the right conditions. It's finding and unlocking that's the issue.. 

Work and Thoughts On It

 Hello!

As you may or may not know, I've been unemployed and on disability since 2021. I had a near death illness, that being septic shock. The trauma from the sepsis destroyed the nerves in my ankle. I have some mobility in it, but I don't have feeling or much strength in it. I used to drive a school bus. Because it's my right ankle, I would no longer pass the physical to return. 

All this is a little preamble to what I want to discuss here today.. 

That no matter the work you do, whatever profession, you ultimately sell your body.

I mention this because I see it a fair bit when people try to shame sex workers. How they're just selling their bodies and to get a real job.. 

Well, here's the thing.. Every job is selling your body to some extent. Physical labour positions are the easiest to explain, since you're actually using your body to create whatever project your boss told you to. You put your body on the line daily. 

Service jobs also sell their bodies. Ensuring a store is running smoothly, moving product around, processing customers, etc. 

Authors. Selling their mind. Their creativity and thoughts.

Athletes. Performing in their sport of choice. Yes, they do make a lot of money, but when their career cycle is so comparatively short to regular people, it's a little tiny bit better..

In any job, you are a product used by the company you work for in order to make the company money. You do your job for money. Therefore, you are selling your body, just like the sex workers that phrase is usually aimed at.. 

You may agree.. You may disagree... I don't really care. It's a different way of looking at life and the roles we play in it.