Christmas Eve

 It;'s Christmas Eve. 

I'm sitting alone in my undecorated apartment feeling lonely and generally forgotten. 

The holidays used to have a magic about them. For mem even while being depressed between Christmas and New Years, it still felt a little magical. I love the feeling of warmth a lit Christmas tree gives in a dark room. 

I miss spending time with family and seeing friends. Since my mom passed away, my dad's moved and is now in a long term care facility. My uncles barely speak to me. My cousins are scattered all over the west, My aunts aside from my dad's sister are dead. 

I tolerated going to my in-laws when I was married, even though I felt constantly and deeply judged. Judged for the amount of food I ate, judged for what I did or didn't do. Judged for just existing. The final time before we got divorced I stayed home. To me staying home was better than spending almost two weeks in a place I felt uncomfortable. 

It's hard today because it doesn't feel like Christmas. It feels like Wednesday. I know people will be spending time with their families and friends, while people like me who have nobody will be alone. 

That loneliness is made even worse when you're craving the touch of someone. A hug. A cuddle.. The funny thing is, I kind of understand why some people look at and go down the escort route. Now, I don't have the money to even think of doing that. If I had that kind of money I can think of a few other uses for it. 

Dating apps suck. I hate putting myself out there in random places, especially since one of the considerations for me is whether or not the place is actually accessible. 

So as I said in my card blog.. Check on your friends. Check on the ones who are alone. This is a stressful time of year at the best of times, but severely depressing and otherwise hard to get through. 

I battle with the whole idea of "would anyone really miss me if I was gone?" at the best of times. When it comes to Christmas time, I almost wish something like "It's a Wonderful Life" could actually happen to show how people's lives would be impacted or completely unchanged if I was not here. 

So again, Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays, Joyeux Noel, blah blah blah.