December

 It's December once again. Many people are ramping up their Christmas related activities.. Shopping, parties, decorating, etc.. 

As usual, I'm not partaking in any of it this year. I'll go to the Christmas party thing that Thrive is putting on.. Thrive is the company that I have housing supports under here in Peterborough. 

Aside from that, no decoration, no other parties, no shopping aside from groceries. 

Why? Aside from the obvious "I can't afford it" there is the fact that, as a single adult, Christmas has no real meaning to me. It brings back memories of things past, things lost, things never to return... 

I miss the times where having a dimly lit room with the Christmas tree decorated and lights on to make the room look cozy. I miss the time spent with family. But I've always hated this time of year, even when I was younger. Starting around 12, I would get depressed at Christmas until after New Years. Thinking about the passage of time. Thinking about things that happened. Events that were so vivid at one point, now doomed to be lost to the ether. 

I know I'm not the only one who struggles this time of year. There tends to be a spike in calls to crisis lines during this time of year. Some don't even make that call. Some feel so alone and uncared for that they just end it. 

In the last 10 years, I think the only time I ever felt I was thought of was the year I ended up being in the hospital at Christmas. I got some gifts and got a chance to talk to a couple nurses for more than 10 seconds. 

Before that, it was at home when I would visit my family before 2006.. When I got married I always felt judged by my in laws. I never felt like I fit in there. There are a lot of times I just don't feel like I fit in period. 

I know some people will say that this emptiness and whatever other words used to describe this feeling is from not having children to share the magic of Christmas with.. I've never been able to mask my sadness.. I don't think it would change the feeling I get this time of year. A feeling I've gotten since I was a kid myself. 

Anyway, for those who have families, enjoy the time you have with them. If you know anyone who is alone, check in on them. Make sure they're ok.