Christmas Eve

 It;'s Christmas Eve. 

I'm sitting alone in my undecorated apartment feeling lonely and generally forgotten. 

The holidays used to have a magic about them. For mem even while being depressed between Christmas and New Years, it still felt a little magical. I love the feeling of warmth a lit Christmas tree gives in a dark room. 

I miss spending time with family and seeing friends. Since my mom passed away, my dad's moved and is now in a long term care facility. My uncles barely speak to me. My cousins are scattered all over the west, My aunts aside from my dad's sister are dead. 

I tolerated going to my in-laws when I was married, even though I felt constantly and deeply judged. Judged for the amount of food I ate, judged for what I did or didn't do. Judged for just existing. The final time before we got divorced I stayed home. To me staying home was better than spending almost two weeks in a place I felt uncomfortable. 

It's hard today because it doesn't feel like Christmas. It feels like Wednesday. I know people will be spending time with their families and friends, while people like me who have nobody will be alone. 

That loneliness is made even worse when you're craving the touch of someone. A hug. A cuddle.. The funny thing is, I kind of understand why some people look at and go down the escort route. Now, I don't have the money to even think of doing that. If I had that kind of money I can think of a few other uses for it. 

Dating apps suck. I hate putting myself out there in random places, especially since one of the considerations for me is whether or not the place is actually accessible. 

So as I said in my card blog.. Check on your friends. Check on the ones who are alone. This is a stressful time of year at the best of times, but severely depressing and otherwise hard to get through. 

I battle with the whole idea of "would anyone really miss me if I was gone?" at the best of times. When it comes to Christmas time, I almost wish something like "It's a Wonderful Life" could actually happen to show how people's lives would be impacted or completely unchanged if I was not here. 

So again, Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays, Joyeux Noel, blah blah blah. 

December

Greetings and salutations. 

December.. Generally a not that great month for me. Sometimes downright horrid. This year it's middle of the road so far. A lot of stress, a lot of trying to figure things out, but oddly enough a greater feeling of creativity and wanting to do something other than doomscrolling and sleeping. 

So those who know me know I have issues with December and Christmas-New Years. I have for a long time, but it got worse after my mom passed away and later, my divorce. 

When I was younger, I always hated the "Year in Review" shows that would play basically everywhere for everything. It was a yearly reminder that time is moving on. Those moments are now only memories that will fade over time. New Years Eve was always an odd time for me as well. In my teens, my mom would have friends over to play Rummoli. I would either stay in the basement after getting some goodies and watch TV or have a couple friends over and watch something. Later on, I once volunteered as a DD at a Legion dance to make sure people got home safe.. The Police even set up a RIDE check (for those not in Ontario, it's basically the police setting up stations on the road to stop and ensure people aren't driving drunk) 

I will admit it's weird when one of the people you drive home that night is someone you had a secret crush on but never said anything because you felt so out of their league. 

My mom passed away December 20, 2006.. I got the call the morning of the 20th that my mom was being taken off life support. I immediately called into work saying I couldn't work that day. My boss understood. Just so I wasn't going stir crazy at home, my then-fiance and I went to the book store and around noon, I felt the need to check our messages. Got the call my mom passed. 

That year was also the first year Mac's decided they needed to stay open 24 hours. Prior to that, Christmas Day they would open typically from 9-6, then go back to 24 hours Boxing Day. I ended up having to work overnights both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. That was not fun. 

Other years while I was married, I spent time with my wife's family. I always felt out of place and judged. They would complain about the amount of food I ate and other really stupid complaints. For example: I'm in an area I don't know and they complain I'm following my wife like a lost puppy. So, the last year we were married, she went to her parents' place by herself. I stayed home. Being alone was better than being so completely uncomfortable that I couldn't function properly. 

Now, don't get me wrong.. There have been some good things to happen around Christmas for me. The year my mom died, one of the customers near the store brought in a tin of cookies and other squares for me. It solidified a friendship that has kind of fallen to the wayside now. Another two times were while I was working at Century Transportation. We had Christmas parties two years while I was there. Both times I was the music provider. 

The first year, I stuck around right to the end. A coworker that I had a crush on gave me a hug and stood in front of me smiling. I wanted to kiss her so badly, but I held off because she was drunk and I was completely sober. I sometimes kick myself for that but I also didn't want to be accused of taking advantage. A DD brought the group home to their individual houses. I was the first dropped off.

The other time I had something good happen was I suppose the manager decided that one of the employees should have something nice done for them. That year it seemed to be me. One of the dispatchers brought me a whole turkey dinner feast she made for me. I was floored.  

Really the only other time I felt almost cared for or even seen was while I was recovering from my battle with cellulitis that went septic. The time I was in the hospital for a year and a half. I got some gifts there. 

Since I've been out of the hospital, I've been living alone. I don't see many people. I don't do anything. Winter is horrible for people in wheelchairs (I am ambulatory, but balance is an issue for me) I want to meet someone. However, between my wheelchair use, my being on disability, my being overweight, and my feeling that I'm just a few levels below dirt, I'm overlooked and invisible. 

So really, I don't know what I can do to make things different for me. I don't have space or the want to do things like put up a tree or decorate. I can only keep interacting on things like Facebook dating and hope someone decides to answer. Otherwise, I don't see much change in the future for me. I know some of the issue is my opinion of myself. I don't feel I'm worthy of love. But the big thing fuelling my depression and feelings of low self is that major void. I miss being hugged. I miss being cuddled. I miss being kissed and kissing. I've never cared much for sex, so I don't really miss that. It's hard to explain I think. 

Today is another night where I could not sleep at all. It's 5am. I've been up since noon.. I've had things running through my head all night, so I hope writing this will at least make some of the stuff go away.