Path to ODSP Part 2

 Today I'll continue my journey.

So I was in Intensive Care. They soon talked about moving me to one of the rehab floors. I didn't feel ready for that. But they insisted. So I was moved to another floor. My first room had a mechanical lift I didn't feel comfortable or safe in. They wanted me to sit in a wheelchair but I was in no shape to do so. My legs were still pins and needles, I barely ate, and my head was lolling all over the place. I was ready to go back to bed after 20 minutes. I was in the chair for two hours. 

After a few days I was moved to a different room with a better mechanical lift.  It was here I met one of the nicest people. She was the custodian for my room. We would talk, sometimes about how I was doing, sometimes about what I did before I was in the hospital. There were some nurses that were amazing on that floor as well. 

Physio was tough. my red blood cell count was low, which caused me to feel light headed when I sat up. Almost every time I sat in the wheelchair they had for me I was either feeling like I was going to pass out, or I was in pain because I ended up having a pressure ulcer on my backside. 

My body was getting less stiff and sore as time went on, but I needed to re-learn how to walk. I needed to be able to stand.. The physio guys were awesome. There were more than a few days I was cursing their names.. They stuck with me. I needed to be lifted out of the bed and into the chair. Just before they moved me down to a different rehab floor, I was just starting to be able to stand up with the help of another harness. 

While I was on this floor, I had the ulcer looked at on my backside. They ended up having to clear it out. It was a rather large area. And deep... I joked I had the Grand Canyon on my ass. In order to help it heal, I was packed with iodine soaked gauze twice a day. I will say it hurt. 

I'll end it here and continue next post. 

My Path to ODSP

I'm on ODSP, which is Ontario Disability Support Program. It's designed to assist those who have physical limitations to receive income. Unfortunately, it's not nearly enough to survive on, never mind live. 

People on Disability and other income support programs are the poorest of the poor with no hope of getting out. Yes, if you're on welfare and capable of working, you get assistance looking for a job. You can even get help with programs like Second Career to train for a new career path. Disability allows those who can work to work, however, those who are on ODSP and unable to work are left behind. Same with seniors who rely on their government run pension to survive. 

Two years ago I took a leave from my job working as a bus driver due to Cellulitis that refused to get better. By January I had a leg that was draining heavily, parts of my toes were getting a black crust on them. At the same time I was dealing with stretches of not eating and not going to the bathroom. 

I finally went to the hospital when I couldn't move because I was so sore and so weak. 

As I laid on the stretcher in the Ambulance garage in the emergency department while being swarmed by nurses and a doctor, I had IVs put in both arms, them checking vital signs, and other assessments. I heard the doctor say "Septic shock due to cellulitis, acute renal failure. Possible necrotizing fascitis. If it is, we may need to amputate." They cut into my leg in two spots to test for it (it was negative) and found my intestinal bleed later. The only pain I felt was them trying to put a catheter in.. 

They brought me into the emergency room and I remember nothing until I was being wheeled to Intensive Care. They originally thought I could be in and out.. Then they found the extent of the damage.. 

In Intensive Care, I was in pain all the time. My whole body ached. My legs felt like they were being stabbed by porcupines. I was on a morphine drip for a few days. I needed dialysis. I am lucky enough to say my kidney function returned, so dialysis wasn't permanent. I did not have necrotizing fascitis in my leg. I couldn't eat because my mouth was bumpy and had black spots in it. To be changed, I needed four nurses to roll me in the bed. Two to push, two to pull because I had no strength to do it or to help. 

I'll break it off here, the next part will be up soon.  

I'm Tired.....

 I'm tired.. 

Tired of feeling like I'm worthless. Feeling like I'm not good enough. Feeling like I deserve all the shit I deal with on a daily basis. Feeling like I deserve the spot in life where I can't afford the basic fucking necessities to live. 

I'm still recovering both physically and mentally from a near death experience due to illness. I'm physically unable to return to my previous job that I really loved. I worry about looking for a new job, because of my current limitations. I can't stand for hours on end like I used to. I can't walk fast or run if need be. Some days I need my walker. Some days I may need my wheelchair. I still deal with the possibility of infections in my legs. This will be a condition I'll deal with likely for the rest of my life. I worry about going into a job interview, them seeing my walker/chair and immediately deciding against hiring me. 

I'm tired of needing to beg and borrow money from friends just to survive the month. Services like food banks aren't accessible to people with mobility issues here in Peterborough. In order for me to actually be able to use the services, I'd need someone to go for me. That is one of the many supports I need that fall out of the range of the PSWs in the building I live in. 

We're coming up to winter. I need a new winter coat because my old one is gone. I don't know where it is. Even if I did know where it is, the zipper has been broken on it for three years now. I'm not even sure if my foot will fit my boots. 

I'm tired of worrying so much about how I'm going to feed/clothe/keep myself with basic needs that I can't do anything fun for myself. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of feeling like I'm forgotten. I'm tired of worrying about if my friends think I'm only contacting them when I need something. 

I'm tired of the bullshit going on in the world. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of being stuck. I'm to the point that I'm beginning to wonder if I'm such a horrible person nobody wants to be around me. I'm beginning to wonder if that's why I'm always the one reaching out to friends, rather than them being busy. They just don't want to deal with me.. 

I'm just tired... Tired of living the way I am. Because this sure as fuck isn't living...