A Post About Me

This is a little odd, probably. 

I mean, if you're reading this, you either know me from somewhere already or I've sent it to people with the intent on it getting read by people I want it to.. 

But this is a little different. 

I had a mini emotional shutdown. And in that time, I admit there was a fair bit of anger.. 

But in that anger was some clarity. 

We're all unique in some way. We all have something to bring to the table, yet we always downplay that. 

I mean, think about a job interview. When they ask you about yourself, they want to know what skills/etc you bring to the company. How do you benefit them better than the 300 other applicants..

And we usually spout off the same phrases. 

Same with dating apps, really.. 

I think it's a case of we're either afraid to show our "real" selves to the world. Either that, or we think the "real" us is boring as Hell.. But at the same time, given enough thought, and maybe even enough preparation, we can do our own Hulk Hogan or Ric Flair style promo about ourselves, though I know that's a little out there for me.. I'll say it in my mind, but I won't put it out there 

(see what I mean??)

Anyway... This is going to be about me.. What about me?? Well, as with anything else I write in this thing, it's stream of consciousness.. 

If it makes sense, great.. If it puts you to sleep, well.. I hope you had a good nap :P

So...

ABOUT ME:

The boring normal stuff first: 

I was born in Thunder Bay Ontario, and currently live in Peterborough Ontario. 

I drive a school bus for employment. It can be rather stressful, but I enjoy the job. 

I have been married and divorced. 

I deal with anxiety and depression and have been for a while. Probably the better part of 25 years now.. 

Ok.. Still awake? Cool..

I used to draw a lot. I also used to write poetry, but I stopped that years ago. I have written a couple recently, but very rusty.

I think I have a little perfectionism in me. If only because I'll do something, then decide there's a better way to do it and restart it.. (My baseball card sorting is the biggest example of that right now) 

I don't fit neatly into a category.. 

What I mean by that is this: I play games but I'm not a "gamer" anymore. I usually just play baseball on my PS4 or Civilization 5 on my computer. Or Out of the Park Baseball. There are others I play on the computer, but I don't play them often.

I like some sci-fi, but I'm not crazy about it.. I'm not a fan of either Star Trek or Star Wars, but I enjoy reading the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. (Always know where your towel is) 

I generally don't enjoy talking with a lot of people. I've always had problems relating with people my own age.

Babies scare me.. Very awkward around them.. 

Speaking of the very young (and very old) Yes... I'm overweight. You might even say obese.. I am aware of this fact.. You don't need to point it out. 

I have a healthy (unhealthy) dose of cynicism due to working for over a decade in a convenience store. You don't know the level of stupid until then... 

Phones give me anxiety. I had to leave a job due to the nature of the work. (call centres) 

I miss my hometown of Terrace Bay, even though I know there's absolutely nothing there for me. 

When I'm depressed, I listen to depressing music to make me feel better.. When I was younger, it was actually a Type O Negative CD that helped me turn around my depression. 

I do have suicidal thoughts from time to time, but they don't progress to attempts.

My go to method of getting over something now seems to be an emotional shut down for a while. I recognize it's self destructive, but It's what I've done for a while now.. 

*poke poke* 

Still there?

If you made it to here.. What would your "About Me" look like?

Weekend of Relaxation

Well, this weekend I did a whole lot of nothing.. Partially because I was tired from the week. A couple days being awake from 2AM will do that, and partially because I woke up with a bad headache today. 

I did plan on going out one of the two days for either Chinese Food or just to Chapters to read for a while, but I didn't get out at all.. I was even thinking about checking out the second hand store here in town for used PS4 games. 

But I did none of that....

I generally take one day of the weekend to sleep, since work generally becomes tiring.. 

I slept Saturday. I woke up today with a bad headache, so I decided to sleep today too.. 

It was nice.. After a week of steady anxiety attacks, I needed to relax and reset somewhat. 

But at the same time, I know that I can't do that every weekend. I'm in a rut. And trying to get out of that rut is rather hard, especially since the only one really pulling me out of it is myself.. So when you would rather sit at home, with no external pressure, you tend to stay home. 

It doesn't help when everyone I want to spend time with is busy with their own lives. 

I've always said I don't meet people well, but I think it's more along the lines of I don't really give myself much of a chance to get to know people. 

Part of it is I tend to think I'm boring, or just uninteresting. I generally hide in crowds. After a while I just can't handle crowds. 

I don't really know where I'm going with this today. I just felt the need to write something out today because I haven't done a thing anywhere for a week. 

So I guess I will leave this off with a question.. 

What do you do to get out of a rut, when you're the one that needs to prod yourself out of it?

A New Direction

I think with the way my head has been the last couple months, I might start using this space again as a stream of consciousness style thing.. 

Maybe just to get people to understand where my head is on certain days. 

I've had a near constant anxiety attack now for a week.. It started at our Halloween potluck for work. 

The trigger? Asking a coworker I have a crush on to take a picture with me. In the picture and for the rest of the party, my face is beet red. 

When I was younger, that used to happen whenever I was around someone I liked. I hadn't had that problem in over 20 years. Until then... 

Different things kept giving me anxiety, including a lot of thoughts about asking said coworker to dinner sometime. 

I ended up asking on Friday. I didn't get a yes, but I didn't get a no.. When I said it doesn't have to be a date, but as friends, she said maybe, and gave perfectly reasonable explanations on the considerations. 

However, the irrational part of my head latched onto this (and it would have regardless of the answer) and said "Maybe isn't a yes... There's still time for this to go bad.. etc etc etc.."

Now I should also mention why my head goes this direction regardless... When I was younger, I was the butt of jokes when it came to anything, really. I was generally a loner. I spent time with 5 people and that was about it. Rarely left the house aside for school or to see one of those 5 people. I would have people write saying they wanted to meet me but never show, or write someone else's name on it, stuff like that. 

So that's what my brain latches onto. 

Now, if she said a definite yes, my thoughts would have been something along the lines of "I'll believe it when she's sitting across from me" and if it was a definite no, I would have basically expected that and been done with it. 

Afterward, I started questioning why I asked. Was it a smart move? Why did I put myself through that? Did I just make things weird between us? 

I talked to her again Monday.. After scraing the crap out of her because she didn't expect me to be standing behind her.. (I move quietly for a man my size) and she said to me "I know it's easier said than done, but relax!!" 

I've been trying... My brain won't shut off.. 

Fast forward to today.. I should mention.. I'm a driver for a living. Between my times driving, I'm generally around the office. Well, today, I was helping deal with some stuff that came up as part of an event we're planning for the company. I started getting an anxiety attack.. To the point where I had to go hide in my vehicle. 

I can't deal with this much longer. I'm on a waiting list for counseling. I also have another appointment with my health care professional at the end of the month. But I don't know if I can do it much more right now. 

So yeah... That's what's on in my head right now. It's not a very fun place to be..