Something Bothering Me

 I've been in an odd mood lately. It's hard to articulate but it's a combination of wanting to cry, wanting to disappear, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and thinking about a thought pattern that I've had for many years now.. 

So the first part.. Those who have followed me on here, talk to me, or have been my friend for a while know I deal with depression and anxiety. I'm going through another time where all I want to do is sleep.. I barely eat.. I do have fluid.. I'm fighting some skin issue that's driving me insane.. I go see my Nurse Practitioner tomorrow. But throughout all this, I've wanted to just break down but I can't.. I've tried.. It just won't come..

Following closely is wanting to disappear. I get this feeling from time to time as well.. I honestly feel that if I vanished tomorrow people wouldn't notice. I know part of that is fed by the depression. I'm lonely and miss touch.. 

Waiting for the other shoe to drop.. I've had this feeling since the news of Charlie Kirk getting shot in Utah. I was no fan of his, but the reaction of the people I've seen border on the more extreme sides of the spectrum. People mourning like they lost a family member or friend, people celebrating his death like it was Hitler or Bin Laden.. It seems his death is being used as a political powder keg that can only end in explosion. So... I'm waiting for that shoe to drop.. I don't see a good ending from the rhetoric and from the fanaticism lately.. 

The final one is something that I'm going to struggle to articulate.. 

I don't want to live a long life. I never expected to live a long life. I'm honestly feeling my expiration date is sometime in my 50s. I've had this thought for years... Like, since I was a teenager.. 

The thoughts of never feeling good enough for someone, the thoughts of wanting to disappear, and just feeling a lot of well.. Everything... Is empty platitudes. 

The funny thing is.. I also kind of want to stick around to see any technological breakthroughs. If we ever get to the point of having something akin to the Holodeck.. If the Blue Jays will win another World Series. 

So since I was a teen I've felt like time is limited. I don't want to be one of those people barely hanging on at 80 or 90. My sweet spot would probably be 60.. Is it odd to have thoughts about when you'd like to die? Am I just some sort of old soul who's had enough of planetary bullshit? Or am I just being negative and needing to find a purpose? 

Please.. Tell me if any of this makes sense.. 

Help is Out There (Not Really)

 I've come across a trend that seems to be fairly common lately. 

You may or may not know, I've been through a lot of health challenges so far this decade. I'm currently on disability as a result. 

Disability doesn't even help cover the necessities. Every month, many people on disability are left to beg, borrow or steal just to survive. Many put out help messages on Social Media sites like Twitter or BlueSky and hope for the best. 

It's no way to live.. 

I bring this up because recently the social services office in Peterborough promoted a program where, if you meet the qualifications, you can get up to $300 towards an air conditioner. 

In general, the criteria was posted by a central office and included respiratory issues, asthma, mental health issues, among other things. 

I need a new air conditioner. I'm borrowing a friend's right now and the workers at the building I live in won't provide housekeeping for his apartment because of the heat. I applied and got denied because in Peterborough, the only conditions they're accepting are respiratory or asthma. 

Doesn't matter that with the a/c in my apartment most of the place is in the mid to high 20s (C) and without it you could add 10 degrees or more. 

Doesn't matter that my antidepressants don't allow me to regulate my body temp properly. 

Now.. There are other agencies out there. But with those, every single one of them ask that you exhaust other avenues first. People on disability may not be able to access other agencies or be able to satisfy their requirements. The main thing that gets me about all this is the "exhaust other avenues first"

For many, your agency might be the first and only avenue they have. If there is another agency they qualify for, they might now know about it, or decide it's not worth the hassle. And of course, many of these agencies are donation run, so they "like to see the person helping out if they can" 

I try to live off $800 a month.. I'm scraping after the halfway point.. There's no chance in Hell of being able to save.. 

It's sad that the prevailing attitude now seems to be for disabled people to either suffer, figure it out on their own, or just die and get it over with. 

Hospital Thoughts

 Hello all

I'm in the hospital again. My PICC line got infected and started to come out. 

I'm currently fine. Waiting for whatever course of action they want (aside from a catheter.. Big Hell No)

11 and hungry. Not sure about ordering something since I doubt I'd get it. I don't have my chair to go to Tim's. So I guess I wait.

I've been having issues with anxiety where I am in the hospital. I don't understand why.

I may know some factors.. I'm in a bed not rated for my weight. I'm over the limit for the bed. Nobody seems to care. It's tough for me to get out of this bed and I hear the hydraulics struggle.. 

The torture chair has returned. Back in 2021 I was in with my septic shock etc.. There was a chair for larger people they put me in. Well before I was ready to be put in it. I couldn't sit up. They left me in the chair for an hour. 

Once I got the pressure ulcer on my rear end it made sitting in that chair worse. It actively pressed against the wound. 

The other thing is: one antibiotic I'm on reacts with my antidepressants so I haven't had them. 

So I don't know. 

Mid Month Update

 It's the middle of April. We have power back after the outages. Had it since the first. Our elevator works in theory but in practice sounds like it wants to quit at any time. I'm not chancing it till it's fixed. There are others like that here too.. 

But I want to talk about something else. Maybe this is part of my depression, I don't know.. But most of this week so far I have not had the want to eat. I'll be hungry, but it won't ignite that "Hey, maybe I should make/get/eat Food" instinct that comes with the territory. For a couple days I was very dizzy, short of breath and alternating between cold and hot. I know it's not a bug unless it's something that is transmitted by not being around many people. 

Really since Sunday I've eaten spaghetti, a couple chocolate bars, a couple burgers, and fries and popcorn chicken. Supper was two bottles of Ensure. I have some meatballs in the oven because I'm hungry and forcing myself to eat. 

Drinking has been even more difficult. I don't have that thirst that comes normally right now. I almost have to consciously remind myself to drink something. 

Now, the reason I wonder if this is part of my depression is this: For the last few weeks I've been feeling completely and utterly stuck. Frustrated. I can't articulate the feeling, but it's just feeling like it's bubbling closer to the surface and I'd explode. Explode as what I don't know. Anger? Crying? Wanting to harm myself? I don't know. And that scares me, dear reader.. 

Now, I know this blog doesn't see nearly the eyes of my main blog, but my hope is that someone who might have an idea can maybe let me know. 

Also, use this as a reminder to check in on your friends. I know our lives are busy. It takes 5 seconds to text "Hey.. You ok?" 

Power Outages

 Over the past weekend most of Ontario was hit with an ice storm and lost power. I found something interesting. 

Storms can bring people together to help out but they can also get people at each others' throats. I have a theory on that. 

For the helping, in circumstances like losing power for multiple days, you find people checking in on others and trying to help each other meet basic needs (food, water, etc) On the flip side, the stress from the outage and the major disruption to routine has people getting agitated, making them more likely to argue or just get angry with others. 

I think we're a naturally social creature and in times of emergency (My city was under a state of emergency) we seek out community and help where we can.. The stress of the situation also causes people to be more agitated or just unable to deal with things that normally wouldn't be a problem. In those times, we're more sensitive of what others say or do. 

I feel that a lot of this is just random thought. I hope it makes sense. 

I Feel Like the Asshole

 Hello

The title of the post refers to all those Reddit "Am I The Asshole?" posts.. 

I feel I'm justified, but at the same time, I also feel like I'm not.. 

So enough beating around the bush.. 

I've been feeling lonely, forgotten, and generally unappreciated by my friends for a long time. I understand they have lives of their own, things going on etc etc etc.. I friend's post on FB irked me when they complained about people and her wanting to spend time with her granddaughter.

I didn't reply directly but I did post something saying how I feel I'm done with people. I reach out to everyone and either get zero response, or I'll get a couple token responses then back to the Forgotten Realm for me.. 

Part of this is why I feel I wouldn't be missed if I was gone. Why I feel people wouldn't notice. I'm not noticed now, how the fuck would they know or care that I was gone when they don't care now??

It pisses me off because it really only takes a couple seconds to send a text or a message saying "Hey.. How are ya?" or "Thinking about you" (even if you haven't had me cross your mind in 5 years) I put that energy out, I reach and try to get engagement, but I get nothing.. 

I would hate to be in a situation where I feel I have no reason to live, believe the world would be better off without me, and have a plan to rid the world of me, hoping that even one person would reach out to me and hear complete silence. 

So yes, I feel like the Asshole here. I feel I'm making demands or even requests that people can't keep.. But at the same time, I feel like the wrestling heel who, when explaining his dastardly actions, feels completely justified in his actions to the point of making the crowd believe it.. (Drew McIntyre and Kevin Owens are masters of this) 

So I'll scream this into the void. If people read it, great.. If people reply, great.. If it's ignored, it's par for the course.  

More of the Same

 On Thursday we had an election in Ontario. It was a snap election called a month ago by our Premier Doug Ford.

People were hoping for change. People were hoping people were fed up enough to go speak with their votes.. 

It didn't happen... 

Doug Ford won... Again... Third Majority Government in a row.. 

The guy who's spent the last two terms fighting healthcare and cutting it past the bare bones, schools, teachers, school bus operators, people with disabilities, and really anyone who isn't a rich guy or developer buddy of his was voted in for a third term. 

It's frustrating.. Especially since he was given his mandate by 42% of the 5,023,587 people who voted. There are 11,065,813 registered voters in Ontario. (more than just the main parties got votes)

Province-Wide Unofficial Election Results

8,073 of 8,079 polls reporting

Political Party	Number of Seats Won or Leading	Number of votes	Percentage of votes
PC Party of Ontario	80	2,158,452	42.97%
Ontario NDP/NPD	27	931,796	18.55%
Ontario Liberal Party	14	1,504,688	29.95%
Green Party of Ontario GPO	2	242,822	4.83%
INDEPENDENT	1	54,278	1.08%
New Blue Party	0	80,245	1.60%
Ontario Party	0	26,262	0.52%
Libertarian	0	7,684	0.15%
None of the Above Direct Democracy Party	0	4,731	0.09%
Communist	0	2,294	0.05%
Ontario Moderate Party	0	2,181	0.04%
CPO	0	1,610	0.03%
Freedom Party of Ontario	0	1,379	0.03%
Stop the New Sex-Ed Agenda	0	1,353	0.03%
Populist Ontario	0	706	0.01%
Alliance	0	648	0.01%
Northern Ontario Party	0	641	0.01%
Progress Party Ontario	0	598	0.01%
CCP	0	582	0.01%
Party for People with Special Needs	0	397	0.01%
Electoral Reform Party	0	240	0.00%

Sorry for the change in fonts here.. 

Anyway, as you can see, these were all the parties who got votes in the election. The voter numbers are all there.. 

Ultimately, 67% of the people decided to sit this election out. Now, it does state these are still unofficial numbers. Things may change slightly. But really, not enough to matter..

It's frustrating because there are many groups who feel invisible. Some of the party leaders were stating their intent to help people with disabilities and other issues that slip through.. Of course, we wouldn't hold our breath regardless of winner.. 

I think part of it is voter apathy and part is voter stupidity.. For some reason, I feel like I heard someone asking if this was the election to get rid of Trudeau... Others apparently were going to try to vote for Trump.. 

I just know that nothing's going to change.. We're apparently going to get a tunnel nobody needs or wants under the 401.. (That'll be fun when there's flooding in Toronto....) At least we got cheap booze and the ability to buy it at the convenience store.. *eyeroll* 

I don't know.. I just don't know...